Comrade Chad

Chad here. A shout-out to all the Obama nation- finally! We did it! Truth to power, baby. Hello to all you Asymmetric morons too. I'll go real slow so that your puny neocon brains can comprehend the truth that I'm puttin' down.

This week, Obama unshackled science from Christianist chains by allowing experimentation on fertilized eggs. Obama did draw the line at cloning. "Why not cloning?" you ask.

Well, how about because he's the smartest person in the world and has too much integrity to succumb to Christianist pressures?

Not good enough? Still fighting off the Republican lie machine, I see.

It so happens that the day before the announcement, I held a truth-in with the kids in my social ecology class. Yes, we discussed how corporations didn't want people to get well because health cuts into their drug profits and the Catholic Church gets the biggest tips during funerals, but we also got a little into cloning. Below's the relevant part (you can find the full transcript at wewantstuffandwewantyoutopayforit.com). Of course, we used only logic- no bronze age myths here:

Me: As long as the clone has the same rights as everybody else, cloning is OK. After all, don't clones deserve to love, marry, go to graduate school, and join the military just like anybody else? Besides, the non-original would add diversity to our conformist society.

Todd: But one of the reasons we need clones is for their medical value. If we don't use their parts, what good are they?

Me: Hmmm. Well, let's see. It's only bad to kill things after they're born, right? What if we consider the clone's cloning dock a sort of womb extension? He'd essentially be a large fetus.

Todd: OK. Good, but won't he feel bad that he's a second class citizen, even if he is a fetus. Clones cry.

Me: Yes. That's a terrible feeling. I think if you can lobotomize the clone so that he would have just enough mental functioning to support the organs or keep him in a frozen state so that he's never conscious, cloning's OK. An unconscious or severely mentally damaged person person won't know that he has no rights, like Terry Schivo. He also wouldn't miss an arm or a leg. He therefore wouldn't feel bad. No harm.

Todd: But there's the chance that he wakes up during the freezing process.

Me: I'm stumped.

And, ladies and gentlemen, that's why our president's a genius. He figured out, almost by instinct (and I don't mean anything racial about that), what took a room full of highly educated graduate students one hour to ascertain.

Chad here.

I went to this progressive web site and took its quiz. It was child's play! Then again, I've honed my progressive skills over a lifetime. I bet most Amerikkans would fail seeing as how, despite our best efforts, we can't seem to overcome the influence of students' bourgeois parents in their upbringing (Although the number of People's History's [PHs to those in the know] I've been seeing in high schools is encouraging- maybe in the next administration, we can have a truly revolutionary curriculum.).

Anyways, I bet Nelson failed.

Chad here, accepting any right wing challenge.

Fascist Henry (named after capitalist exploiter Henry Ford, perhaps?) from Babalu, an extreme right-wing website dedicated to stripping away Cubans' excellent health care and education systems, asked the following question, an inquiry so ignorant that I'm willing to bet my PS3 that Henry is an authoritarian:

Chad, when are you going to get around to blogging about that chick in Houston who is campaigning for that Obama dude with a Cuban flag with Jim Morrison's face on it?

Well, you hateful nut: today, as a matter of fact. Let's get a few things out of the way. Women are not "chicks" and Jim Morrison was a profound poet and critic of society. I usually don't respond to people who diss the Doors (Henry probably listens to corporate rock like Foreigner or Puddle of Mud.), but I'll make an exception since you probably don't know any better. No excuses from now on, OK? What Henry's referring to is this hatchet job from the Bob Dole apologists at Fox:

First of all, how dare wingers criticize our heroes when I've seen, in news reports from reputable sources like Democracy Now!, not fascist propagandists like Fox, right wing politicians with pictures of Ronald Reagan, who forced a ketchup-only diet on oppressed children of color and was seconds away from obliterating the planet, and Libby Dole on their walls?

Poor Henry. I feel his frustration: The forces of light finally have somebody dynamic and exciting who can deliver the hate-free, just, enlightened world that Che gave the people of Cuba (and would have given Bolivia if CIA goons hadn't killed him.) and all Henry has is some broken-down former cold warrior who wants to throw his co-aged-Americans out on the street to beg for dog food while he laughs it up with corporate fat cats.

We can only hope (Hope! Finally, I can hope again. Thanks, Barack for giving me audacity to do so) that Barack Obama will do for Amerikkka what Che did for Cuba.

OK. I release you to read Nelson's fascist rants.

Chad here- talkin' truth to power:

As part of my continuing study of Amerikkan crimes against Latin-America, I've delved into the folk culture of Colombia, a country struggling to unseat the Amerikkan puppet government of Álvaro Uribe, a bitter foe of progressive poverty-fighter and empire-slayer Hugo Chavez.

As I was telling my exploited bell-hop about his upcoming deliverance- when empire-resistors Venezuela and Iran join forces with our companeros in my graduate seminar to wage anti-imperial peace- I heard him say something about maleta (and comemierda, which must be some sort of Colombian word of understanding and appreciation). Wouldn't you know it? At that moment, a Colombian song with the same word played on the television.

The message is so clear that I barely have to use my deconstructive skills. On one level, the video is about female empowerment, with the womyn of color fighting the patriarchal society under which they suffer. "It's your turn to be pummeled," say (or mean, as they still must operate in subversive mode until the people's victory) the womyn, "and you cannot keep us covered up- we aren't your possessions." The womyn dance in harmony and, to prove that only collective action can defeat the powers that are, assist each other in battle against the oppressor. No doubt, the womyn, free of the obsolete societal structures of the past, will marry each other.

I then noticed that the pig of a man wears a cowboy hat. He's George K.K.K. Beeazelbush! These Colombian patriots are willing to kick W and all of his imperial baggage out of their country. Run chickenhawk! One punch each for Cheney, Rumsfeld, and the rest of the gang. Yes, as the boxing metaphor suggests, it'll be violent, but what true change isn't?

If you didn't catch (Don't feel too bad; I've been analyzing art for years.) the cage-like structure around the women, the throwing of the book (probably Greenspan's ode to exploitation), and the ticker-tape explosion signifying the overthrow of the Amerikkkan-feudal financial system/inferno, watch it again. Until our deliverance, you're going to have to pick up these subtle signs.

I know after watching this message to the people, you'll want to visit Colombia and assist them in their struggle.

The bards of truth are Sonora Dinamita and the song is Saca la maleta. For more anti-imperial culture, check this one out.

The Iowans' chug-a-lugging of consumerist propaganda was a disgusting sight. They also lacked one decent comic book store.

Nelson wanted me to post on the facade of freedom brought to you by the good people at Haliburton and Exxon, the Iowa KKKaucases, so here I am.

Before I start, I'd like to prove my commitment to social justice by reminding everybody in my dorm that I forewent a killer X-Box tournament to fly to Iowa from Los Angeles (thanks, dad) and support the Green party. No Iowans may have showed up to our fluorescent-illuminated motel room, but we planted a seed, bother. I'm sure our cause will grow as more people become aware- the sheeple here just aren't ready yet.

I'll discuss all the great solutions we came up with later on my own blog, Bushisntonlylikehitlerhesworsre.blogspot.com. Right now, I'll slum with the mainstream:

Gravel and Kucinich

Gazing at me through my glossy Mac is the news that kkkorporate interests this evening conspired against two valiant knights for justice and strength (through surrender), Kucinich and Gravel, humiliating them and, by extension, every last decent person left in this police state we call a country.

Now, I admit that amongst the lesser-of-the-two-fascist parties, Kucinich was my choice, and I still love his positive recognition of Mexicans' right to exist, but I became intrigued with Gravel after he described, nay, triumphantly proclaimed, during his last debate, how he stuck it to the corporate swine in the credit card industry (Imagine how those pigs would squeal if we were all as brave!). "The man" didn't allow Gravel another opportunity to speak the truth to their power. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton recognizes the obscenity of drug companies charging for the peoples' medicines. She's a woman, a fact that scares the hell out of the patriarchy (I know that I've benefited, but I feel bad about it: I read every book on strong women, and, if my partner and I didn't advocate a zero-footprint existence and I succumbed to the siren song of corporate Amerikkka and got a job, I'd take my daughter to work). But, alas, she's for continuing George Beeazelbush and General Betray Us' genocide in Iraq (748,000,000 dead, according to my count) which cost her.

Edwards

Edwards is not only willing to fight the corporations keeping health care away from people, endangering us with their products, and taking resources away from a planet that needs it, but wants to save black men from extinction, a cause I'm very down with, and give voice to disenfranchised metrosexuals. The obvious lack of well-groomed Iowans prevented a first place finish in Iowa.

Obama

Which brings me to tonight's winner, Obama. Why? Obama simply offers more. You see, Edwards and Clinton are both for change which is great. With Obama, however, you get a new and improved change (the kind you can believe in) and hope- a two-fer as the quaintly regressive Iowans say.

Republikkkans

As for the Republicans, I guess the Bible-thumpers couldn't resist the prospect of another inquisition and chose Huckkkabee.

Romney, the corporate choice, probably promised even more innocent deaths than McCain who, in his younger years, tried to prevent the anti-colonial leader, Ho Chi Minh, from liberating south-east Asia.

I gotta go; I have a teach-in tomorrow and need to rehearse my righteous anger. You can now exit the light and bury your heads in Nelson's pit of lies.

Yes, thank you European slave masters for conquering North America and ravaging the land. As an "Indian" (my girlfriend is 1/4 Guatemalan), I'm indignant that the pale man has the echicuua (Quechua for chutzpah) to eat, this day, the same turkeys denied to the native nations of Tuwa ("America" in Hopi). We all know that the racists you call "pilgrims," who would have died without NT help, tricked the Indians with their white-dark magic, commercialism (NTs had no concept of ownership), fooling them into giving up their superior hunting and farming techniques.

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Cheer up comrades. Yes, it looks like Bush Corp. may be extinguishing the light of social justice Iraq (Chevron must have bribed gullible Iraqi Sheiks again), but there'll be more wars to lose. And, we'll be better prepared next time. I already have “we'll be getting into another Vietnam-like quagmire” macroed on my Mac and we can reuse the Abu Ghraib pictures. Even if Haliburton decides to deny indigenous Americans of their Empire-slaying Jedi Knight, Venezuelans, like Iraqis, are people of color. In fact, take away the suicide vest, and the guy in my “free Palestine” poster looks just like Santana.

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One drop of the torrential rain of shame from the Amerikkkan hegemonical heavens is the systematic oppression of the innocent and culturally colorful American (Shacha Runa in Quechua). Like a Bush bomb slamming into an orphanage, I collided with this reality during spring break in Acapulco. The sight of waiters and waitresses obsequiously serving my roommates, one of whom supports the rape of Latin America by voting...Republican…(there, I said it; his dad sprang for the rental- what could I do?) while the other one hardly attends any rallies or teach-ins, sickened me. Only I could accept the margaritas and little tacos (made with maize which the mighty called “corn” to prevent people from learning that they stole the crop from the aboriginal population) with a free conscious because I made a point of raising theirs: instead of blood-stained sheets known as Amerikkkan dollars, I gave them copies of my Latin-American thesis: Amerikkka: how Neo-Colonialism and Everything Else We’ve Done Has Made Latin America Poorer Than Us. You should have seen their faces! I’m planting the seeds, brother.

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Happy Birth of the Empire, capitalist pigs.

When in the course of human events, your country is taken over by oil corporations and their fascist, war-mongering lackeys, it’s time to give it up. How many people do we have to kill and oppress, resources pillage, and art to ruin before we come to our senses and call it quits? 231 years is enough, isn’t it?

Birthed by slave owners, gun-toting religious wackos, and reprobates, America has taken the world’s dignity, stopped real progress, perpetuated inequality and offered what in return? Heat lamps with which to keep warm our artificial, fat-laden foods cooked by underpaid virtual slaves without healthcare and consumed by flocks of sheep themselves herded by capitalist expectations to their own personal wage hell slaughter in their gas-guzzling SUVs?

I propose the following:

1. Go to the U.N. and offer what we've taken from world to the world community in exchange for forgiveness.

2. Have every American perform 40 hours of world service, according to their ability. I, for example, will teach people how to speak truth to power. Nine Inch Nails will rock. George Clooney will act, scientists will invent stuff or whatever they do, etc.

3. End the line of savagery by sterilizing every American with the name of “Bush” except for Kate who’s down with the program.

4. Try to avoid doing things that make people want to attack us.

Are you down?

Nine Inch Nails is:

What if this whole crusade's a charade
And behind it all there's a price to be paid
For the blood on which we dine
Justified in the name of the holy and the divine

Yeah!

With Teeth

Batman & Robin (Two-Disc Special Edition)

**Chad does not necessarily reflect the views of the Asymmetric staff.**

Ok this is it. According to corporate lackey nguirado, some of the Iraqis have turned against their liberators and towards the imperial forces of Amerikkka. We need to act quickly before this spreads. Call your congressman and tell him he must vote to pull out of Iraq right yesterday. Everything's on the line for this one. If we don't leave now, the Haliburton mercenaries may start tightening their noose around the great nation of Iraq (populated mostly by people of color).

Think of the Iraqi children who will fall under the size H (for hegemony) boot of Imperial Amerikkkan storm troopers.

Think of those ragtag freedom fighters counting on us for our support.

If you need extra motivation, imagine all of the fascists on their way to Wal-Mart or church or wherever the heck they assemble to drink their cool aid stopping us in the street to tell us George Beeazelbush was right!

Imagine walking into class and the Frat boy next to you telling you "I told you so, bro."

I myself plan a consciousness raising ceremony at 12:00 next to the quad. I'll be reading a poem by poet XXX3 comparing bush to the bugs in Starship Troopers.

**The views of Comrade Chad do not necessarily reflect the view of the Asymmetric staff**