Comrade Chad

The Iowans' chug-a-lugging of consumerist propaganda was a disgusting sight. They also lacked one decent comic book store.

Nelson wanted me to post on the facade of freedom brought to you by the good people at Haliburton and Exxon, the Iowa KKKaucases, so here I am.

Before I start, I'd like to prove my commitment to social justice by reminding everybody in my dorm that I forewent a killer X-Box tournament to fly to Iowa from Los Angeles (thanks, dad) and support the Green party. No Iowans may have showed up to our fluorescent-illuminated motel room, but we planted a seed, bother. I'm sure our cause will grow as more people become aware- the sheeple here just aren't ready yet.

I'll discuss all the great solutions we came up with later on my own blog, Bushisntonlylikehitlerhesworsre.blogspot.com. Right now, I'll slum with the mainstream:

Gravel and Kucinich

Gazing at me through my glossy Mac is the news that kkkorporate interests this evening conspired against two valiant knights for justice and strength (through surrender), Kucinich and Gravel, humiliating them and, by extension, every last decent person left in this police state we call a country.

Now, I admit that amongst the lesser-of-the-two-fascist parties, Kucinich was my choice, and I still love his positive recognition of Mexicans' right to exist, but I became intrigued with Gravel after he described, nay, triumphantly proclaimed, during his last debate, how he stuck it to the corporate swine in the credit card industry (Imagine how those pigs would squeal if we were all as brave!). "The man" didn't allow Gravel another opportunity to speak the truth to their power. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton recognizes the obscenity of drug companies charging for the peoples' medicines. She's a woman, a fact that scares the hell out of the patriarchy (I know that I've benefited, but I feel bad about it: I read every book on strong women, and, if my partner and I didn't advocate a zero-footprint existence and I succumbed to the siren song of corporate Amerikkka and got a job, I'd take my daughter to work). But, alas, she's for continuing George Beeazelbush and General Betray Us' genocide in Iraq (748,000,000 dead, according to my count) which cost her.

Edwards

Edwards is not only willing to fight the corporations keeping health care away from people, endangering us with their products, and taking resources away from a planet that needs it, but wants to save black men from extinction, a cause I'm very down with, and give voice to disenfranchised metrosexuals. The obvious lack of well-groomed Iowans prevented a first place finish in Iowa.

Obama

Which brings me to tonight's winner, Obama. Why? Obama simply offers more. You see, Edwards and Clinton are both for change which is great. With Obama, however, you get a new and improved change (the kind you can believe in) and hope- a two-fer as the quaintly regressive Iowans say.

Republikkkans

As for the Republicans, I guess the Bible-thumpers couldn't resist the prospect of another inquisition and chose Huckkkabee.

Romney, the corporate choice, probably promised even more innocent deaths than McCain who, in his younger years, tried to prevent the anti-colonial leader, Ho Chi Minh, from liberating south-east Asia.

I gotta go; I have a teach-in tomorrow and need to rehearse my righteous anger. You can now exit the light and bury your heads in Nelson's pit of lies.