Comrade Chad

Chad here.

I went to this progressive web site and took its quiz. It was child's play! Then again, I've honed my progressive skills over a lifetime. I bet most Amerikkans would fail seeing as how, despite our best efforts, we can't seem to overcome the influence of students' bourgeois parents in their upbringing (Although the number of People's History's [PHs to those in the know] I've been seeing in high schools is encouraging- maybe in the next administration, we can have a truly revolutionary curriculum.).

Anyways, I bet Nelson failed.

Ok this is it. According to corporate lackey nguirado, some of the Iraqis have turned against their liberators and towards the imperial forces of Amerikkka. We need to act quickly before this spreads. Call your congressman and tell him he must vote to pull out of Iraq right yesterday. Everything's on the line for this one. If we don't leave now, the Haliburton mercenaries may start tightening their noose around the great nation of Iraq (populated mostly by people of color).

Think of the Iraqi children who will fall under the size H (for hegemony) boot of Imperial Amerikkkan storm troopers.

Think of those ragtag freedom fighters counting on us for our support.

If you need extra motivation, imagine all of the fascists on their way to Wal-Mart or church or wherever the heck they assemble to drink their cool aid stopping us in the street to tell us George Beeazelbush was right!

Imagine walking into class and the Frat boy next to you telling you "I told you so, bro."

I myself plan a consciousness raising ceremony at 12:00 next to the quad. I'll be reading a poem by poet XXX3 comparing bush to the bugs in Starship Troopers.

**The views of Comrade Chad do not necessarily reflect the view of the Asymmetric staff**

OK, I just finished my internship at the French Institute of Peace, and I'm back to teach people what I've learned.

As I hopped on that marvel of international cooperation, the Airbus, to teach the sheeple in Amerikkka how to live, people in my dorm were trying to figure out how, exactly, Karl Rove and the CIA, rigged the French election. It seems that they somehow repressed the social consciousness of the French people and replaced it with such wingnutty American ideas as competition.

Get this: The newly installed by Rove French president Nikkkola SarKKKozy is telling French youth that they may be fired from their jobs. Great, so now the life of millions of Frenchmen is dependent on the whim of some fat-cat businessman. SarKKKozy is essentially saying to French youth, "***k you, you have to work." Well, needless to say, my friends were mad as was I in solidarity with them. Gone are the days when they can serve the state by the important work of acting as a conscious for the country. It is this lack of recognition for those tasks considered "unproductive" that make me suspect foul play.

Not only is SarKKKozy anti-laborer, he's a racist. He thinks that immigrants are more prone to violence and criminality because statistics say so. He fails to examine how the French themselves drove them to such extremes. Wouldn't you commit crime if your adopted country saved you from a life of poverty and allowed you freedoms and subsidies you could only dream of in your former nation?

And what do they do? Burn a few symbols of industrial slavery like the automobile. I wouldn't be surprised in General Motors paid them to do that in order to sell more cars. The French should be thankful.

Anyways, the staff at Asymmetric said they'd let me raise your consciousness every once in a while.

**The views of Chad don't necessarily represent the views or opinions of Nelson or the Asymmetric staff**

Nelson suggested I accompany him to the Amerikan Mind-control Center (AMC) and I accepted, as dad was mad at me and only fronted me enough cash for regular coffee. Upon arrival, I immediately noticed the difference between this temple to bourgeois consumerism and the cinema I usually attend. Instead of the in-tune socially conscious people I find at the Nuart, I sat amongst cretins who only thought of stuffing their face with the popcorn in their grubby hands and their minds with the mush on screen. No cool thick glasses with beat up sports coats and authentic jeans in this crowd. Nope. People wore things from Wal-mart; some even brought children! During the movie, I tried to explain how Amerika stole popcorn from the Native Americans, but instead of benefitting from my knowledge, they preferred to imbibe the lies projected on screen.

Anyways, Nelson picked The Nativity Story. “Great! I thought, now I have to sit next to some right-wing Christianist and hear the saliva trickle through his three teeth while he plays with his snakes.” I suggested to Nelson that we make-out just to see them freak, but he refused.

Right off the bat, I knew I was in for a propaganda-filled screed. My studies and consciousness-raising experiences inure me to any brainwashing, but what about the sheeple in the rest of the country? Are they going to fall for this? Of course! They’re Americans. The opening scene has Palestinian soldiers defending themselves from Zionist aggression by “slaughtering” newborn Jewish babies. Typical of the American media, the movie never mentions the slaughters perpetrated on innocent Palestinian babies by the IDF. Wouldn’t it have been fair to include a flash-forward to the under-reported Aytaroun massacres? This technique is not uncommon in more sophisticated French (redundant, I know) cinema-verite films.

The movie also sneaks in a plea for prayer in schools. In one scene, children are being indoctrinated into the Jewish myth by mindlessly, but blindly enthusiastically repeating Bible verses-no doubt skipping the first time God ordered Jews to practice genocide against innocent Palestinians. Pink Floyd is the proper model here.

After doing its best to destroy the dignity of children, The Nativity Story goes after women. The Mary of The Nativity Story could have made a bold statement by proudly announcing her pregnancy and deciding to raise her child independently of any man. Better yet, instead of impossibly having been impregnated by some mythical angel, how about a turkey baster? Not in puritanical Hollywood, she conforms to the religious fanatics of the day and marries Joseph who, in the movie “protects” Mary, suggesting to the boobs in the audience that women need men as a kind to shield them from reality. Couldn’t she have rejected her condition and gone back to worshiping the goddesses of her ancestors instead of the patriarchal Yahweh? And three wise MEN? The producers could have made room for at least one woman here. A truly wise woman like Janeane Garofalo would have been perfect.

The movie’s not all bad. In a brilliant move, The Nativity Story compares the fahter and son dynasty of Herod and Herod II with GHW Bush and his spawn, W Beeazelbush, correctly pointing out that genocidal maniacs never fall far from the tree, although the Herod of the movie has an easier time with the English language than our current despot. Continuing the allegory, the film-makers portray the three Wise Men as the ancient version the heroic Kennedy, Pelosi, and Reid, with both trios refusing to cooperate with their own corrupt and cruel Herod. I also appreciated the advocacy for a single-payer health-care system. Obviously lacking medical insurance, Mary travels from home to home seeking medical attention before giving birth in a substandard manger. (spoiler)The ancient Bush' domestic policies force Mary to flee the manger before the Clinton mandated 48 hours as well. Lastly, the Nativity Story advocates for the social sciences by trumpeting the importance of accurate census data.

Unlike Nelson, I refuse to demean art with a rating system, but I will say that fellow progressives will find things to enjoy in this movie. Christianists will also enjoy it-just not at the same level.

As a public service and sevice and so that my friends won't think I'm going soft, I present the eminent public atheist absalutely destroying some fascist fool.

**Comrade Chad does not reflect the views of Nelson Guirado**

Many of you, including some whose opinion I count as being aligned with progress, have said that my study was not the best way to count Beeazelbush's victims in Iraq. OK, let's split the difference between the Lancet near-fascist interpretation and and my more progressive approach and call it 23 million. That's still as many as died defending the Soviet Republic from Prescott Bush (oh where have all the anti-fascist heroes gone?).

The "progressives" at the Institute for Coexistence with Capitalist Oppressors just squatted and released a study unintentionally (I'll give them the benefit of the doubt-some of them are down with the program) undercounting BeeazleBush's victims. How could they be so wrong? It seems that they only counted people the family admitted to have died as a result of combat. Not only that; they only counted physical death, completely ignoring the death of the creativity, love, and with the butchering of Uday and Qusay by Amerikan stormtroopers, a certain whimsical gaiety that existed before BeeazleBush decided he needed to compensate for the National Guardspeople who didn't get a chance to laugh at him in the shower because he was AWOL.

Now, imagine the average Iraqi, scared to death of being raped by Americans, being asked about how many people died in their household. Of course she (now that the Americans discouraged husbands from staying home and helping their partners with the housework) is going to give you a lower number. The people at Lancet should have adjusted for the distrust and fear of the United States engendered by Bush in 2003.

In between classes, I came up with a much more accurate method for counting Bush' vitims. I even asked my people studies professor and he agreed my way would be much more likely to strike a blow for progress. What I did, in essence, is go through every blog with a social conscience, counting the number of physical deaths attributed to BeeazleBush and multipying that number by how much the blogger is right-on. Using these figures, I reached a total of 47,000,000 dead Iraqis. The lie machine we call the media is so beholden to car company advertisers who, in turn, are beholden to big-oil that power their cars, who themselves are beholden to Bush for eliminating previously endagered species residing on the Native-American burial sites containing most of AmeriKa's oil that they won't report that we've killed 1.5 times the population of Iraq-in Iraq alone. Of course, for consistency- and because I believe in fairness-I just counted deaths where the heart actually stopped and grudgingly ignored deaths caused by Bush's callous approach to healthcare.

And that's just Bush. What about the number of Iraqis murdered by KKKarl Rove and Dick Cheney? How many Iraqi children would be alive just from what we pay Helliburton to provide Christian death-rock in Iraqi reKreation/conscience numbness centers?

Like most of you, I was lustily enjoying the Refascists sizzle in the oil of their own hypocrisy. All those years making people feel bad for enjoying nature and now, HA! Got you. One of the enlightened baristas here at Starbucks told me that the Foley scandal was just the tip of the iceberg. Hastert didn't say anything because he wanted a piece too, as did all of the other Refascists, and the only squabble was who was going first. It seems that as they tell America to zipper up, their zippers are falling faster than the milk factories they blow up in Iraq.

But today I was reading the blog at weonlytellthetruth.cp that the French are laughing at us. A French expert on American sexual repression mocked us for not realizing that worrying about the virtue of underage youth is actually a throwback to the age of patriarKy, when fathers tried to regulate their children's impulses. No regulation of impulses! Indeed, when don't Western men try to dominate nature. Before reason defeated darkness (White Album), men preferred women who were "pure" at the time of that most oppressive of boigouis ritual, marriage. Well, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that only the soaking rich could stay "pure." Everybody else had to participate in the sexual economy, creating a society of have virtues and have not virtues. Only when love is given freely to those who need it by those able to produce it will this tyranny of virtue end. Just look at the girl sitting in the soft chair (while I have to sit on the hard one) sipping her coffee, torturing me. If she would just buy into the future my torture would end. Instead, she might as well be Rumsfeld water-boarding innocent people of color. Cruel capital!

Ahem, well anyways, I think we should stop talking about Foley now. The thought of the French laughing at me gives me the willies.

The KKKarl Rove orchestrated lie machine kicks into high speed as he defecates on your local video store, whose bourgeois owner is only too happy to comply (he will pay), with the release of Flight 93. Where to begin? If, and this is a stretch, some people of color did in fact appropriate the capitalist tool of oppression (although your history teacher won't let you hear of the Soviet contributions to aviation), the airplane, to bring attention to their cause, why do the film-makers throw away this teaching moment by choosing to focus on the stories of those complicit in the rape of the under-developed world with their incessant hamburger buying instead of what drove the airplane appropriaters to lash out against their oppressors in the first place?

Why don't we hear of the Amerika's support for the Shah and how we keep the Sauds dependent on our oil Kompany-imposed gas consumption (so that our bourgeois can drive to each other' homes and plan how dupe backwards southerners to assasinate the world leaders who dare to oppose our hegemonic imperialism), rather than helping them develop a people-driven sustainable farming economy. Why don't we hear of the fraternity parties they weren't invited to because they couldn't convince dad to pay for the initiation fee and the girls who rejected them because they were brainwashed by the Mattel to lust after good-looking KKKen look-alikes? Why don't we hear about how the Israelis kicked them off their land and only offered billions of dollars in return?

Now, to the movie. The lie-faktory that is Hollywood (except for Syriana which was great) conveniently ignores the fact that Dick Cheney was seen parachuting from the cockpit of flight 93 by scores of graduate students. They conveniently ignore that many progressive physicists have noted that the angle of approach would cause a debris diperssion far different from the one found at the scene. The producers totally omit that flight 93 never left the ground that day as somebody who sounded like a member of the Khristian right drove the plane to a hangar filled with Republican operatives, anti-choice spokespeople, and a member of the Moussaud.

If you can get past these inconsistencies and you're a right-wing nutjob, then you are sure to enjoy the movie, just like you enjoy watching the appropriation of a beautiful pre-Christian fertility rite involving endagered furry bunnies and yummy Aztec-derived chocolate Kandies destroyed by a Nazi-led Patriarchal death-machine.

3d Shew Nothing to your Freind that may affright him.

Like what the Downing street memo? People need to be shocked into action. I crashed a meeting of PTA-Proletariat Termination Association -where bourgeois ladies talk about their latest exploitationwear from Deathmart and discuss how best to indocrinate the future of the state into the virtues of capitalism, when I just whipped out the Abu Ghraib pictures I carry in my flexowallet. Frightened yet?

2d When in Company, put not your Hands to any Part of the Body, not usualy Discovered.

I have a right to put my hands on any part of my body I please. It says so in the constitution and no slave-owning hickory-toothed bumpkin is going to stop me.