Funnimetric

Hilarious. Thanks to Fausta.

My Democratic convention scenario (Michael Jackson is Howard Dean.).

"We now have a small army of male black porn stars that are sifting through five, ten, fifteen thousand women," he said. "One man can now genocide the wombs of thousands of women," infecting them with sexually transmitted diseases that leave them barren.

He calls it "Porn mule womb slaughter . . . the most effective weapon of mass destruction."

From here.

In the late eighties, I'd sometimes accompany my black girlfriend to her church on Sundays (I never heard anything negative towards whites and they never failed to make me feel welcome, by the way.).

During the music, I always noticed that I was the only one "on-beat." Well, thanks to Reverend Wright, I now see that my black brothers and sisters at the church weren't rhythmically "deficient;" they were just acting on their genetic inheritance- "different."

Graphical representation of Obama cell phone.

Supporters were shocked to find that Obama left his grandmother off of his list of T-Mobile MyFaves or his "First Five." Commentators suggest that her reaction to a "aggressive" black pan handler made her too controvertial.

Making the list is:

1. William Ayers, unrepentant terrorist, casual dresser, dorm bull-session star, and Obama fundraiser. Obama intentionally mis-spelled his name with a "z" at the end because Obama said it was "more gangsta- pimpin' like Jay."

2. Reverend Jeremiah Wright ("Uncle J"), science ethicist, America judger, singer, contextualist.

3. Tony Rezco, helping hand, real estate guru, fashion plate, corruption monger.

4. Ted Kennedy (TWG or "Typical white guy"), party animal, anti-hero, more conservative senator than Barack Obama.

5. David Emerson, Canadian trade minister.

Another famous T-Mobile customer: Charles Barkley.

Youtube

Is there any kind of intervention available. Tony's too young for midnight basketball.

Every parent's nightmare. An entomologist in the family.

Using the high tech equipment available to Asymmetric, our investigation has concluded that Obama did not intentionally flip off Hillary Clinton. Summary of full report to be released on cd-rom and available for download (Those with dial-up may want to order the cd.):

Evidence for:

1. Obama did indeed glide his middle finger across his cheek.
2. He did so at the same time that he clumsily attacked Hillary Clinton.
3. The crowd (the kind that wears "Buck Fush" T-shirts) reacted as if he had given Hillary the bird. Either that or they have a soft spot for unfunny stuttering.

Evidence against:

1. Obama did not laugh, smile, or give any signal that he was making a joke. The crowd may have just been projecting their own feelings onto Obama.
2. Neither did Obama exaggerate the gesture.
3. Obama denies that the gesture was intentional:

A spokesman for the presidential campaign of Illinois Sen. Barack Obama has criticized The Ticket for making a "false and childish accusation" in an item Thursday that the candidate's one-fingered gesture during a speech that day might have been the finger aimed at his Democratic Party opponent instead of an innocent finger aimed at brushing his cheek or scratching a scratch.

Three to three with the benefit of the doubt going to the gesticulator. Conclusion: One cannot say for sure that Obama intentionally flipped Hillary Clinton off.

From the corner. If you're single and happen to be in a swinging part of an Arab state, some of the words here can be very useful.

...when we meet the black-eyed virgin with her black hair and white face – praised be He who created night and day. What hair! What a chest! What a mouth! What cheeks! What a figure! What breasts! What thighs! What legs! What whiteness! What softness! Without any creams – no Nivea, no vaseline. No nothing! … how soft will a black-eyed virgin be, when she comes to you so tall and with her beautiful face, her black hair and white face - praised be He who created night and day. …
There is no god but Allah. He told us that if you entered one of the palaces, you would find ten black-eyed virgins sprawled on musk cushions. … When they see you, they will get up and run to you. Lucky is the one who gets to put her thumb in your hand. When they get hold of you, they will push you onto your back, on the musk cushions. They will push you onto your back, Jamal! Allah Akbar! I wish this on all people present here. He said that one of them would place her mouth on yours. Do whatever you want. Another one would press her cheek against yours, yet another would press her chest against yours, and the others would await their turn. There is no god but Allah. He told us that one black-eyed virgin would give you a glass of wine. Wine in Paradise is a reward for your good deeds. The wine of this world is destructive, but not the wine of the world to come.

Video here.

Obama mocks a Paladin of Ilmater at a Pennsylvania gathering.

Barack Obama drew the ire of gamers across Pennsylvania for making the following comments before the Scranton PS3 club:

"Look, you got these guys- umm- they don't have a lot of social interaction- nobody likes them- and they're feeling the pinch from competing role-playing games like the Hero system and even electronic, console-based PS-3- so they're bitter. They cling to their dice- their pencil and paper-based Dungeon and Dragons- probably still using the 2nd edition rules, mind you- I was asking some of my independent graphic prose supporters- 'Can you imagine them telling each other that they want to lower their armor class [laughter]?' ... watching the world pass them by. So it's no wonder that they feel antipathy to people who play Tunnels and Trolls, X-Box, computer games, and Minis- people who weren't there at the beginning. And when a black guy like me comes along, well-umm- they just remember how uncool they are [laughter]."

Role-players- incensed at Obama's caricature of them as uncool, throw their support behind Hillary Clinton. "This is a guy who still thinks that Tunnels and Trolls is a viable system."

Asked about the controversy, Hillary Clinton responded with:

"This shows how little Obama respects the people who made Final Fantasy and Elder Scrolls possible. They don't play Dungeons and Dragons because they don't have anything to do on Saturdays or because they're mired in the past- they love their traditions- and are proud of them.

I remember my own experience in the early eighties, watching VHS's of Conan the Barbarian, drinking Pepsi and trying to get the best rolls for my female Orc- I always went for the misunderstood races- thief-illusionist. It was fun. I wasn't 'clinging' to anything. When I'm in office, I plan to have a secretary of role-playing and fantasy. I'll bail out Wizards of the Coast- give gamers the opportunity to do some "green gaming" under fluorescent lights with recycled maps. Have midnight D and D in the inner city- get kids involved in this important American tradition.

Obama's elitist, out-of-touch attitude reminds me of what one of my heroes, Gary Gygax once said, 'Shut up and roll.' It's time for Obama to stop the rhetoric and propose something that helps struggling gamers."

Recent polling suggests that Obama's comments hurt him among single white men in their forties, a demographic that previously wrote in for Rutger Hauer.

From Michelle Malkin

...secular, afrocentric, liberal gun control advocates.

Let's see. So far he's gone after:

1. Whites, typical or otherwise.
2. The religious.
3. Gun Owners.
4. People who believe in physical manifestations of patriotism.
5. Colombians and Canadians.

And, by claiming that without his help they'd "fall prey" to people who wave papers with numbers in front of their face, the under-prepared homeowner (Really, anybody who thinks they can survive without Obama's direct intervention.).

To his credit, Obama hasn't, Kerry style, directly insulted the military. I don't recall any comments about midgets, the near-sighted, mustachioed women, or Iranian madmen either.

I plan on boycotting the Olympics, but, then again, I've boycotted every Olympics since 1976 (I don't count the attention I paid to the 1984 games because they were in Los Angeles and, thus, unavoidable). I didn't boycott the Seoul Olypics because of the rust on my Kia or Atlanta because of that modern Nostradamus, Ted Turner. In fact, my Olympic aversion has nothing to do with politics: The Olympics are just deadly boring. All of those "profiles" stuck in between a tiny bit of action; the announcers and their "let's go tos." There's the explosion of events that nobody cares about. I get that people in Bulgaria like handball because they could conduct illicit tournaments in abandoned wherehouses, but synchronized swimming? Somebody tells their little girl to keep practicing their aquatic robot moves so that one day they can be the Olympic laughing stock?

The male-female equivalence kind of bugs me. I imagine that both men and women find female weight lifting disgusting. Honestly, who would advertise during such an event? "We bought a 30 second spot on the female 75 Kilo Cling and Jerk."

The biggest problem, however, is the end of the Cold War for which the Olympics served as proxy (Warm up war?). Remember those watercooler discussions? Inevitably, somebody would interject, as if it were the most revelatory statement, that Communist athletes weren't really amateurs. There was the Olympic episode on Get Smart wherein the good American robot beats the evil Kaos goon. Really, a battle of systems. Until Al Qaeda gets its own relay team, things just won't be the same.

So, Nancy Pelosi wants Bush to Boycott the China Olympics. I don't think it's a bad idea- they deserve it, but it'd be unnecessarily undiplomatic and more than a little hypocritical. We conduct huge amounts of trade with China and China exchanges culturally and academically with American schools, but the president can't attend the Olympic ceremonies? "We're good enough to sell you cheap pants, but..." The Carter boycott was feckless enough, but at least we were, more or less, at war with the Soviet Union.