Funnimetric

Interview with paris Hilton;

Paris: as many of you know, was sentenced by judge Michael T. Sauer to 45 days in jail. Asymmetric is proud to announce that it’s secured the first interview with Paris from jail.

Asymmetric: First, we’d like to thank you for giving us some insight into what must be a trying time for you.

Paris: No problem. I’m glad to be here. Well, not here. I’m glad to…you know what I mean.

Asymmetric: Yes. First, Paris, what was your reaction to the verdict?

Paris: Well, I must be confused because I thought this was America. I thought you couldn’t go to jail for something you didn’t do. My handler forgets to read the stupid letter and I go to jail!

Asymmetric: I think people are saying that you should have opened it.

Paris: I’m not going to get my hand all gluey with letter glue. What was I going to open it with? I gave my guy-correction my former guy- a budget to buy things like letter-openers. Maybe he spent it on something else-the thief.

Asymmetric: Right. Paris, why were you driving in the first place? Don’t people usually drive you around?

Paris: Well, I got this totally hot car and I called my BFF squared, Kimmy to tell her about it. She said, “so what? You don’t drive it, like ever.”

I said, "I so totally do drive. I’ll drive right over now. Get ready."

The rest, as they say, is a story.

Asymmetric: So, how have you made the transition? Has it been tough?

Paris: Well, I kinda had an idea of what it would be like already. I’ve partied with BF amounts of rappers. Puffy taught me how to act.

Asymmetric: What did he say?

Paris: he said the first thing I should do is get in a fight so I could show the other Bs how I roll.

Asymmetric: And?

Paris: I just picked the biggest bia*** I could find and beat her upside.

Asymmetric: What happened?

Paris: I was Tae Boing her apple bottom, when she clocked me. I thought that was it for Paris, but she's my B now. I got her getting me sh** now. In a few weeks, I might be shot-calling sh**.

Asymmetric: Wow, how did you survive?

Paris: Luckily, Tinkerbell was standing next to me. I just told her, “Tinky, mommy needs help,” and she just went crazy. I was able to finish her off with a few B-slaps until the pigs came. I stood up and said, “Anybody else wanna squab? I didn’t think so. Tell your girls, Paris is nobody’s biat**."

Asymmetric: Tinkerbell? How did you get her in here?

Paris: I’d rather not say.

Asymmetric: But, oh, OK. Where’s Tinkerbell now?

Paris: I traded her for a pack of cigarettes. Hey, man, you don’t gotta go home, but you gotta get up outta here. My time’s up.

Asymmetric: Thanks for using your visit with Asymmetric. Will you talk to us again?

Paris: You got it. (turns) I know, Bia***es, get your hands off me.

Paris, queen of cell block 34.