Funnimetric

After extensive research, Sheryl Crow has decided to revise her previous recommendation that Americans only use one square of toilet paper per day.

"I've decided that one-square per bathroom visit is inadequate for many Americans. I've tripled the previous suggestion to three squares. This does not take away from the fact that while Americans only make up 5% of the world's population, they use 40% of the world's toilet paper."

Sheryl Crow contracted a research firm to investigate the feasibility of her one-square plan. Thirty-five test subjects were chosen at random, given different amounts of toilet paper, and locked in an observation chamber for one month. People received different diets representative of typical American cuisine.

"We found that while one square was adequate for some, many needed more," said public relations manager Doris Hurtada. Apparently, Crow's previous research didn't take into account Southern food choices. "Those subsisting primarily on Slim Jims and fried chicken simply could not maintain an adequate level of hygiene with one square," said head researcher Phillip Sexton.

Those who fared worst were the subjects given placebo toilet paper.

A lot of it is technique.