Funnimetric

Police picked up Jon Mauvais Jovi, evil twin to rock superstar Jon Bon Jovi, for stalking his famous brother. According to sources close to the Jovi family, John M. Jovi has long held a grudge against his brother, whom he’s accused of stealing his music and career. Jon M. goes into detail in a recent interview for Evil Twin Mag:

"At my house it was always “Bon this and Bon that. Oh, look at little Bon rock. Why can’t you rock that hard, Mauvais?”

The secret was that I could rock way harder than Bon. In fact, he stole every one of his songs from me. He took my song, Wanted Dead and ruined it by changing it to, Wanted Dead or Alive.
He would modify the lyrics of my best songs, making them all goody goody. He removed the last line from this stanza from Livin’ in Sin:

I know they have a hard time
And your Daddy don't approve
But I don't need your Daddy
Telling us what we should do
Let’s ritually sacrifice him.

He totally messed up my Stabbed through the Heart:

Ritually sacrificed,
And you're to blame
Darling, you give ritual sacrifice
A good name.

The worst one was was Runaway:

Ooh, she's a little runaway
Daddy's girl learned fast
All those things he couldn't say
Ooh she's a little runaway
Let’s ritually sacrifice her

And the evil guitar licks? Gone.

Why do I stalk him? I don’t know. It just seemed like the evil thing to do. I was tired of living in his shadow. Outside of evil circles, I was virtually unknown. I lived off of the pittance he would throw me. I should be where he’s at now. I should have been Calista Flockhart’s love interest in Ally McBeal. I should have taken my place with rock gods Ozzy and David Coverdale. Instead, it was him. I would have given him some things, however. He could have kept Pay it Forward and I wouldn’t have fought the Nazis in U-571."

Brother Bon Jovi was unavailable for comment, but his press spokesman, Phil Fulberg, put out the following statement:

Mr. Jon Bon Jovi is saddened by the incarceration of his brother, Jon Mauvais Jovi. Even with the threats and the embarrassing ritual sacrifices during Mr. Bon Jovi’s many charity events, Jon Bon Jovi loves his brother and refuses to ask the judge for a restraining order. Mr. Mauvais Jovi will be welcomed back into the Bon Jovi home as long as he agrees to follow some basic rules:

1. No evil friends at pool parties.
2. No evil guitar licks during jam sessions.
3. No shoes on the carpet.
4. All animals at the Bon Jovi residence will be considered pets, not sacrifice fodder.

Mauvais Jovi happy to find another victim for his evil rituals.

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Pay It Forward