Funnimetric

Sources close to Janet Jackson are hinting that the pop-diva plans on selling the swath of land she acquired on the coast of Guyana to form Rhythm Nation, a group of settlements bonded together by the idea that modern society has perverted man’s true purpose, to dance.

Ms. Jackson (I have to call her that because she says I’m nasty) began purchasing the land shortly after the release of her album, Rhythm Nation 1814. After holding auditions, Ms. Jackson brought over the first group of settlers and began ordering life in Rhythm Nation according to her ideals, assigning positions of importance according to an individual’s ability to perform complicated physical movements. Initially, Rhythm Nation enjoyed some success, with its school curriculum winning praise from educators for its innovative approach to math. In Rhythm Nation “studios,” students would spin on their heads to learn Geometry and do the Robot to familiarize themselves with android technology.

But overwork, dissension, and constant warfare with the neighboring Harmony Nation have taken its toll on the one-time envy of the world.

“Things were good at first,” said former head choreographer Sylvia Drew. “We would sit around and dance all day long. Things started going wrong about the year 1817 (1992). It was obvious that some of the prerequisites for the most important positions were designed to exclude some members of the community. Comandante Jackson would require choreographers (leaders) to perform the Running Man, effectively excluding most of the Rhythmans hailing from Montana from the hierarchy.“

Some say the problem was the very structure of society. "We chose our treasurer because she could Cabbage Patch circles around anybody else," said Mary Johnson, "but she was terrible with money. She bought thousands of leg warmers, while leaving many of us to starve. The 5000 calories we needed a day just to perform our dance rituals made the lack of food even worse.“

Still others decided to leave because they say Ms. Jackson became a cruel leader; “She always wanted to be in ‘control.’ She even threatened to execute those who failed to perform routines to her exacting standard.“ Ms. Jackson received heavy criticism for not allowing her factory workers to form unions.

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Ms. Jackson had no immediate comment.

**picture of Janet Jackson in uniform removed by request**

Rhythm Nation 1814