Funnimetric

University of South Carolina students attending a John Kerry speech ran for their lives as security guards opened fire on them. Nobody was hurt, but several students were trampled in the rush for the exits. Kerry aides, speaking on condition of anonymity, downplayed the incident: "Do you think we'd seriously murder a bunch of college kids? We just wanted to scare them a bit; they were being insolent."

Eyewitnesses gave conflicting accounts of the shooting. Sophomore Jane Hutchins claims that Kerry became upset when students booed after Kerry endorsed the Hillary Clinton health plan, "It wasn't like we were totally against it. We just didn't like that it preserved the for-profit insurance industry's stranglehold on health care. We wanted a single-payer system. After we noticed Kerry was a little quiet, we all tried to apologize, but he just winked at us and started walking away. That's when the shooting started."

Another attendee, Chad "Che" Wilkins contradicted Ms. Hutchins's testimony. "Frankly, I think we did deserve it. Here we are booing a man who had an election stolen from him by the fascist death machine known as the Beeazelbush campaign. How would you feel? Besides, it's not like we wouldn't get rid of insurance companies eventually. Please, fellow fighters for social justice, save your hate for the true misery dealers."

Campus president said a preliminary investigation is under way, but cautioned not to jump to conclusions. The shooting follows on the heals of a taser incident at the University of Florida.