Funnimetric

El Cholo Restaurant in Los Angeles.

You could have spun me with a feather last night when I got a call from Bill O'Reilly inviting me to dinner. It seems that O'Reilly is a big fan of Asymmetric and wanted to consult my opinion on several important issues. Of course, I accepted and proposed our minds meet over dinner. When he said that he wasn't too familiar with Los Angeles, I informed him that many fine restaurants reside in Los Angeles, "We'll dine at one of my city's fine Mexican eating establishments, El Cholo on Western Ave."

Follow up:

I admit to being a little nervous. After all, this was a man whose debating style had inspired mother-in-laws all over our fair nation. How could I hope to keep up with him? I shook his hand upon his approach and greeted him. He did his best to ease my nervousness, "Pleased to meet you. No spinning tonight, got it?" What a down-to-earth guy! From then, I knew that this was a man I could relate to. We discussed Iraq, Iran, and prognosticated Republican chances. "Fascinating" isn't the word. I chose the sentence he allowed me to utter carefully and I think he found it useful- or affirming, at least. El Cholo impressed him as well:

You know, I have to admit to being a little shocked. I don't see any mothers giving birth in the kitchen-some of them aren't even pregnant- or gang members shanking each other in the corner. And where's the graffiti? I wouldn't be surprised if some of the employees had legitimate social security numbers. In fact, let me call my assistant and tell him he can stop guarding the car from the valets.

After dinner, we decided to have coffee at one of my favorite hang-outs, George's Greek cafe. They don't like O'Reilly there, but that's because they're elitists. He waxed eloquently on his determination to expand Christmas by one day to 13 and I was again quite proud that Bill looked favorably upon my choice of after-dinner venue:

Wow! Where are the hairy men wrestling in olive oil? Nobody has a discus (maybe they ran out of plates and broke them all). I was scared to go the bathroom because of...well...you know, but I opened my eyes to push the button on the hand dryer and didn't see anything that would elicit the slightest tingle from Larry Craig.

I let Bill know that I found his subtlety and urbanity both exhilarating and frustrating, "How do you find the strength to hold back?" In turn, he appreciated my obsequiousness and judged it especially well-done. He then sprang his new theory on the effect terrorism has on the war on terror. It was so revolutionary that I begged Bill to continue over some Lichee from Yang Chow's Chinese restaurant. He agreed and a half hour later, the hostess seated us at our table. I don't think he was just being polite when he said:

Frankly, I'm surprised (pleasantly, of course). I haven't seen one spontaneous craps game. In fact, I don't notice any gambling at all. And I'm glad that they've learned to conduct business without resorting to highly choreographed martial arts battles. How about a nightcap?

“Sure. There's a great English pub called John Bull."

"You know I'm Irish, right?"

"Yeah?"

"Well...Oh, OK."

The pints must have loosened him up a bit as he he went into a 20 minute tirade on how the liberal media prefers to use the word “trial lawyer” over “bloodsuckers.” Also,

Look at these guys. Concentrate on their teeth. They're all there. Some of them are a lighter color than my toenails. Astonishing!

His phone rang. He said it was his secretary and that he needed to take it in the bathroom.

“Guard the babies!”

When he returned, it was obvious that he had become somewhat tired- that the evening was drawing to a close. He thanked me and offered me a free month of "Premium" services at billoreilly.com where I'll be able to interact with other O'Reilly enthusiasts (I haven't been able to get off their bulletin board since). As I turned to walk away, I very nearly whipped up the courage to ask for a t-shirt, but, alas, I had already received too much. I suggested we do it again sometime, "I know a great Soul Food restaurant."

"No thanks, I had Soul last week."

**disclaimer: I know, but I need variety too.**