Funnimetric

We can all learn to love. Even me...excuse me...

Twiddles (formerly known as "Killer"), the lone surviving dog from Michael Vick's dog fighting ring, gave the Democratic response to George Bush's speech on Saturday. Speaking through interpreter Ed Begley Jr:

Follow up:

My fellow Americans. I don't expect you to understand the horror I experienced inside one of Vick's death dungeons. I don't expect you to feel now what I felt then as I saw my litter-mates dragged from my mother one by one, suckling the loving nourishment from their...our mother...excuse me...one minute... and then the pure hate of Mr. Vick's unregulated competitiveness the next. For, I'm not an educated beast. I wasn't born the son of an oil or pharmaceutical executive. Otherwise, I might be able to adequately describe the pained-filled sound of us dogs-living in the shadows of the human world- whelping our little whelps as Michael Vick took the dogs who dared to be different, who just wanted to love in their own way, who refused to conform to the world, and shoo..ooo..oot them for not meeting his expectations. Just a minute. ([Ed Begley] Can we have more time? This is important. [pause]) OK. I'll be fine. I managed to escape with the help of a homeless man who happened to need a roof under his head- one hopeless person in the land of hope helping a dog without hope.

When I reached freedom, I faced another horror: Who would fix my paw? My scratched eye? The welts on my back? The tears in my stomach? Indeed, the tears in my heart? George Bush, God bless him anyways, vetoed the BISCUIT program for injured fighting dogs, leaving me to spend what little I had on under-trained and substandard veterinarians. Even so, the cost prohibited me from biting off my little piece of the great American rawhide promised to all of us (but enjoyed by the very few). Instead, Bush tossed me what amounted to a meatless chicken bone, "See ya, animal. Go fend for yourself while I gorge myself on oil profits." Luckily, George Soros, bless him, heard of my plight and helped me. But what of the millions of other dogs with no Soros: the cute little terriers that can't fit into their little pink sweaters because they can't get the proper nutrition; the Collies whose coats won't shine because they have to stay outside in the cold rain?

Sometimes I ask myself: What can make a man so cruel to forget his four-legged friends? Is the world just a big competition to see who can destroy the most wildlife or displace the most populations? The fat cats need to understand and help the skinny dogs of the world! That's why I call upon George Bush to sign bill HR 2343 that overturns the unfair cap on non-economic damages in medical malpractice suits.

One final thing: Thanks to help from my friends, the ones brave enough to advocate for the least powerful in our misguided society, I can now present to you my litter: Spike, Butch, Bubbles, and Ricochet. Don't you want them to grow up in a fair, good nation? One where attorneys can fight the powerful on your behalf? Thank you and God bless America.