Funnimetric

I missed it. Darn! I'll guess what happened; tell me if I'm right:

1. Edwards pledged to fight the heartless people employ us, make products we use, pay taxes, and host lovely company picnics (in parks full of potentially lethal hazards like monkey bars). He mentioned that he was personally against gay marriage because his parents saddled him with an unmentionable spiritual point of view, but that his 15 month old neighbor, a baby who must live in a protective bubble not covered by her health insurance, convinced him to change his mind because she "wants to see a iddy-biddy mo' love in the world" before she goes "by by."

Follow up:

2. Hillary Clinton promised to take care of my children, mow my lawn, check the air pressure in my tires, and clip my toe nails- all with the money the government saves by repealing Bush's tax cut for the "obscenely wealthy." As an example to the country, Hillary will, during the course of her presidency, babysit for every family in America.

3. Dennis Kucinich vowed to schedule a four month surrender tour during which he'd grovel at the feet of every nation that worked against our interest. To qualify, a dictator must have proven that it can cause the United States significant harm by assigning each of a nation's past international crimes a point value (political assassinations-5 points, supporting suicide bombing- 4 points, etc.) He said something about aliens.

4. Bill Richardson stated that he's Hispanic during a question on stem-cell research. When he bent over for water, he revealed that his suit was indeed a George Clooney hammy down.

5. Mike Ravel ran a shell game across the street to raise campaign funds. He guaranteed to only cheat those earning greater than $200,000 a year.

6. Christopher Dodd spent all of his speaking time attacking Joe Biden.

7. Joe Biden, distracted by Barack Obama, looked over to him and said, "Man, Obama. You are one shiny black man."

8. Barack Obama reminded voters that he didn't vote for the Vietnam war in 1966. He also swore to end the "vicious cycle of innocence" in American pre-schools by mandating age-appropriate sex education. In foreign policy, he indicated that he would immediately hold negotiation with Iran, Syria, and Sudan while simultaneously initiating a massive carpet-bombing campaign in Scandinavia.