Funnimetric

Iowans gather at Joe's Bait Shop and Grill to discuss the issues likely to confront the next leader of Ivory Coast.

In a recognition of Iowans' good, mid-western common sense and dedication to wise leadership choices, the U.N. and Vatican have agreed to cede electoral responsibility for the next Secretary General and Pope, respectively, to state of Iowa.

In the Iowa tradition of early campaigning, cardinals descended upon Tim's Railway cafe in Dubuque to acquaint themselves with the Iowa electorate. Meanwhile, former Singaporean ambassador to the U.N., Kishore Mahbubani, greeted customers in front of the Hot Dog on a Stick at the Coral Ridge Mall in Coralville, Iowa.

See these girls behind me? They're huge! How'd they get that way? Rice? No, Corn. Not just any corn, either. Iowa corn. As U.N. Secretary General, I promise to swing some of that U.N. money this way. How does "oil for corn" sound? People in Mongolia will be eating your cobs!

Follow up:

Later, in an interview, Mahbubani explained that Iowans won't vote for anybody they don't know,

"You have to get here, kiss some babies, ask them about Darfur, sea treaties, and malaria; get to know the folks, see what's on their mind."

Not all went smooth for the candidates, however. Cardinal O'Henry from Ireland backpedaled from a statement he made at the Iowa Baptist conference concerning the mass. "It was taken out of context," insisted O'Henry.

With Pakistani candidates hoping to succeed president Musharraf close behind, a Pakistani envoy officially asked the Iowan secretary of state to schedule a caucus in January.

"A quick election will prevent further bloodshed," said Pakistani Interior Ministry spokesman Javed Iqbal Cheema.

However, secretary of state Michael Mauro, cast doubt on the likelihood of a caucus in January:

We'd like to help, but we got the Des Moines Sport, Boat, Tackle, RV & Vacation Show in January. People just aren't going to be focused.

Many Iowa pundits pointed out that representatives of extremist parties in Pakistan failed to make a good impression,

"Look, hand severing and whippings just won't fly here. You gotta go after the pocketbook issues," said MSNBC Pundit Joe Scarborough.

Local townspeople agreed, "That one fella, Asif Chotu, of Lashkar-e-whats it, I just don't like him. Nothing concrete; I just don't like the look in his eye. He's got that Alan Keyes kinda thing" said poultry farmer Jim Bunt.

"He gives me the creeps," added his wife, Colleen. "Heck, I'd rather vote for Joe Biden."