Funnimetric

Question: Why is this sexy? (answer below)

I understand the desire of women to feel as though they can control their amount of sexiness, but I feel it's my responsibility to break the news to my distaff audience: You turn us on plenty and there's very little you can do to increase (although there's a lot you can do to decrease) our desire for you. Let's look at the advice in this article:

1. Be mysterious: (Get lost sometimes): This may make him more jealous, I suppose. If you want to play that way, go ahead.

2. Woo him with food: ("Paint the canvas," says Nigella -- flowers on the table, a pot boiling on the stove, and you the seductress in the middle of it all. Dig in yourself, she advises. Show him you're a woman of voluptuous appetites.") This might work, but any allure would come from watching the woman perform the feminine task. If it were the food, men would have bought posters of Julia Child instead of Farrah Fawcett.

3. Pamelize him: ("she focused in and hung breathless on his every word. Give it a whirl.
Ask him how he got so smart, so handsome, so strong. Then actively listen to his answer instead of interrupting with your own."). Don't make it obvious, OK.

4. Channel Marilyn Monroe: ("Anything that looks like it might come undone unexpectedly will work.") Yes, but again, Marilyn was sexy because she was (played) innocent; she wasn't aware of the effect she had on men.

Follow up:

5. Make Him Laugh: ("tell him a great joke that makes him laugh until he cries") Quick, the top ten comediennes whom men think are funny: Rosanne? Elayne Boosler? Janeane Garofalo? Ladies, we love you, but we don't think you're funny (Actually, I've had two exceptions to this rule in my own experience.). Better advice: Don't say much of anything.

Hmmm: Joy Behar or Monica Bellucci? Tough one.

6. Flirt with Adventure: ("Forget the makeup -- take him hang-gliding, say, or camping in the deep dark woods.") That's what Donald Trump liked about Marlena- her khakis. Take the makeup just in case.

7. Use His Name: ("You look so wonderful, Lionel") OK. Can't hurt.

8. Find Your Signature Scent: ("Choose a scent that spins your irresistible legend faithfully.") Ladies, if your man can tell the difference between perfumes, dump him right away!

Here's the lowdown: God gave you everything you need to make your man crazy. Do you think cave women needed to "find their signature scent?" Act natural (why do some men like voyeur cams?), comfortably feminine, and, above all, don't think about being sexy.

Answer to question: She has no idea what she's doing to us.