Funnimetric

**update**

Our esteemed Attorney General called all of us out last week. Ok, Mr. Eric Holder, I accept your challenge- I'm no coward. I will bravely stride across the minefield that is race conversation and bring to my readers the most gorgeous women, by race. You can listen to Eric Burdon and War's great paean to Benettonism, "Spill the Wine," as you browse.

The Best of Eric Burdon & War

Rules:

Since Eric Holder specified "race in America," all of the women on the list have to be apple pie-eating, girl-next-door, bona fide Yanks. I realize that I can pick Rae Dawn Chong and be done with it, but I'm not that lazy. Also, the "Raquel Welsh rule" is in effect (no "in her day" provisos).

The most beautiful Armenian woman in America is Kim Kardashian.

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A nice event in Ensenada, Baja California, Mexico, where my wife's from. The sociologist in me noticed that American movies- Star Wars and Spider Man were there- are popular amongst Latins, but that they still prefer their music.

The geek in me is very upset as the lady next to me knocked the Blackberry Storm that I used to take the video, out of my hand. It fell to the floor (!@#$%^&*nerd-cuss!).

The main girl was a Isabel Madow, a Mexican actress and singer also known as "La Secre de Brozo." She's the blond. You can see her below (the fold). I don't put her above the fold because my wife gets mad. She shouldn't complain; she had the luchadores.

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"It's tough to find a good man."

In an interview with Asymmetric, "octomom" Nadya Suleman said that she's had a tough time dating of late. Suleman speculated that men are intimidated by a woman who's very famous, "They're just afraid to approach me. Or, it could be my dad. He can be over-protective."

The interviewer, Fulana Quiensea, brought up the idea that men may not want to involve themselves with a woman who has 14 children and pointed to her Match.com profile as an example:

Un-medicated psycho-mom seeks man for long-term relationship. I enjoy long walks through maternity wards and sewing booties. No players and no vasectomies.

Smoking: No.
Children: yes.
Want more: Definitely.

"You think so? I was thinking that the profile picture made my look fat. I was pregnant at the time. It's hard to find one from when I wasn't."

Mark Steyn is the funniest man in politics. Here's what he said on the corner:

That summit today was hilarious, especially the bit before all the bigshots went off to their "breakout sessions" and Obama told them, in best Community-Organizer-in-Chief mode, "not just to identify problems, but to identify solutions." A reader adds:

I haven't heard dialogue that leaden since Edward D. Wood was producing, directing and writing his classic films. Plan Nine From Chicago. All Obama needs is a silk body suit, a tin foil helmet and a shower head that's supposed to be a ray gun.

It'd be funny if the shower head wasn't shooting trillion-dollar bills . .

I agree. Obama would be funnier if his fiscal irresponsibility weren't making the country worse now and insuring a (fiscally) dismal future for the nation.

Anyways, compare for yourself.

First, Obama:

Now, Ed Wood:

In an interview with Asymmetric to be released later, Executive Director of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences Bruce Davis admitted that Hugh Jackman wasn't his first choice to host the Oscars, "Since 76% of current Hollywood movies are comic book adaptations, we wanted somebody who could represent the genre. I mean, it's not like people were laughing at Whoopi anyways. I originally wanted John Rhys-Davies who played Gimli in Lord of the Rings, but when somebody told me that LOTR wasn't a comic book, we scrambled for a replacement. We tried calling Thomas Jane from the Punisher, but nobody could find his number. 'Hugh Jackman it is!' I said."

3rd choice.

2nd choice.

1st choice.

There are two iron-clad rules in comedy. One of them is that a pretty woman only makes people laugh on two occasions: one is when she's talking directly to a guy and the other is when she's talking to her girlfriends about the dorky guy who laughed at anything she said.

That's hilarious! You actually told the hair stylist to give you dreads! She knew you were kidding, right?

The next rule is that comedians should not be stronger than a pretty girl. Indeed, one might say that there's an inverse relationship between the comedian's brute force and his ability to make people laugh.

Important: Strong and fat are not the same. We know that heavy people are hilarious.

We can trace comedy back to the medieval times. Knights were strapping, brave, and, at best, morosely ironic. Fools, quite the opposite. These pictures are representative:

Knight

Fool

Next, we go to perhaps the funniest man of all time, Jerry Lewis. Notice the complete lack of physical presence. Why do you think Dean was the straight man?

From Lewis to Joe Piscopo. I happen to have a photo from the ceremony that passed the "funniest man in the (Gallic) world" torch from Lewis to Piscopo. Notice that Piscopo was very skinny.

Joe Piscobo, his mentor, Jerry Lewis, and another comedian at the official greatest living comedian ceremony.

Piscopo bulked up in the late eighties. Raise your hand if you have one of his DVDs from that era or later. OK, then. Having lost Piscopo and starved for comedy, the nation turned to Carrot Top. Again, thinness:

Now look. He reminds me of the Thing from Fantastic 4.

Carrot Top. Grotesquely buff- and unfunny.

Model for Carrot Top?

Questions:

1. Did you acquire a new goal?
2. Or, if previously possessed, did your motivation for accomplishing the goal, increase?
3. Did you see the bikini-clad woman as sex objects or did the picture make you want to talk about university studies, over a cup of cocoa?
4. Are you conscious of the lowest-level desires inherited from your ancestors?
5. How did the women's fertility level factor into your reaction?
6. Do you harbor adversarial sexist thoughts, or do you just do what she says when she tries to dominate you? In other words, do you at least put up a fight?
7. Are you more likely to remember these women or a Burka'd Saudi?
8. What "first person action" came to your mind?
9. List the number of foolish decisions that you'd make for the women in the picture.
10. How much money should the government be spending on studies that confirm facts known since the Pleistocene era?

Thanks for participating. Tomorrow, we will exploring a hypothesis of mine. Namely, that women prefer a tall wealthy man to a short poor one.

The original study is below. I do hope you appreciate how hard it was to find 21 heterosexual men at Princeton.

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