Funnimetric

The Obama car is painted with eco-friendly dyes.

GM, under the guidance of car czar Ed Begley Jr. unveiled a prototype of the new Obama Car or O-car, an automobile designed by GM (Government Motors) with input from ACORN, labor unions, and the Santa Cruz Women's Study department. Special features include:

1. Runs on fetal stem cells.
2. Comes with choice of anti-Bush bumper stickers.
3. Radio pre-tuned to NPR, Native American ceremonial chants, and C-Span Book Talk. Unfortunately, this being a modern car, legacy technology like AM radio is unavailable.
4. GPS programmed with coffee houses, independent movie theaters, animation festivals, day care centers, modern art galleries, and other liberal points of interest. Comes with gender-neutral "yellowtooth" technology. The 12cm. screen plays public service announcements during stops and alerts readers to nearby protests and teach-ins.
5. Overhead pocket distributes both condoms and "denal dams."
6. "Gay friendly" center console.
7. Reverse OnStar monitors in-car conversations for "hate" speech.
8. Each car comes with a residence-independent drivers license.
9. Convenient storage compartments for Birkenstocks. piercings, and pot.
10. External camera automatically records all police interactions.
11. Metric system-only gauges.
12. Seats a village of 4.

The car is priced at 10% of an individual's yearly income. Those without income will receive a car subsidized by new taxes on guns, rosaries, Bibles, NASCAR tickets, the History channel, Tom Clancy books, and merit badges.

The California Supreme Court reached a compromise on same-sex marriage today, deciding to allow lesbians, but not male gay couples to marry.

The majority opinion was given by Chief Justice Ronald George summarized the majority position:

Chicks dig weddings. They like to pick the food, invites etc; make the guest list; get all gussied up. It would be hard for us to not give that to them. Lesbian relationships might actually be stronger, as they'd be able to avoid common pitfalls like one spouse leaving the toilet seat up.

Associate Justice Joyce Kennard dissented, anticipating problems:

Yes, we all like weddings, but what about Christmas time? Who's going to assemble the bikes for the kids?

I was running. Nice evening. The corner dogs started barking. Then again, those biatches always do the same thing. My dad called me and I answered on my new Bluetooth headphones (review forthcoming). He gets mad at me for running at night. It's a pretty safe neighborhood. If it weren't I wouldn't wear my snazzy new headphones.

Sony Bluetooth Wireless Stereo Headset / Headphone (Model# DR-BT101-White)

O.K. Footlocker keeps sending me these coupons because I'm too lazy to unsubscribe. So, a couple of weeks ago, I caved in and ordered some new shoes. I have wide feet so I only buy New Balance as they're the only ones with wide sizes. I bought a black pair. I forget the model number. They're nice. Funky souls that look like a parking garage. My wife didn't like her Asics. Hopefully, she'll break them in, though.

I looked on Amazon. These are my shoes:

New Balance Men's MR1306 Running Shoe,Black,8 D

I made it around the block. The neighborhood's intact. I get home and my wife asks me about the earthquake. I ask her about the shoes. They hurt her feet (I guess our kids are destined for wide feet). $50.00 down the drain, as she lost the box. What a waste! She says she's going to sell them on eBay. What a waste of money! I'm mad now. Plus, she's watching the semi-idiotic Nuestra Belleza Latina. Hot girls sandwiched in between lame "talent" competitions, cat fights, and the kind of weepy personal stories you see at a Democratic convention. If there's one show you need to watch with the volume down, it's this one. Here's a picture:

"Let's go over the earthquake procedures." I have to wait for Alejandro Fernandez to sing. Now, I go over the procedures. They're the same ones as those in case of a Day After Tomorrow-type global warming cataclysm. Get out!

OK. I'm calm now. Anybody want some size 6.5 women's Asics?

Asics Womens Gel Kanbarra 3 White/Purple/Orchid Pink Running shoe Sz: 7.5

Have you noticed how self-righteous some people get when attacking the CIA's interrogation policy? "It's immoral." "It's un-American." "Core principles."

Immoral according to whom? Anti-American as defined by whom? What else is in that core?

What gives anti-torture activists the right to prevent the rest of the country from attaining valuable information through enhanced interrogations? Don't American's have a right to know who'd attack them? We're going to endanger ourselves for some wacko's personal beliefs or their vision of the "American way?"

Really, why do the torture-fixated insist on imposing their morality on the rest of us?

And, who's forcing them to torture, anyways? If they feel that waterboarding people is wrong, then they shouldn't join the CIA.

Anti-torture nuts: Keep your heads out of our interrogation rooms.

P.S. Pictures of torture victims don't work on us. You think we're going to start crying or something?

My wife is as dedicated a mother as mine, except for the cans and threats of violence. Not that she wouldn't fight for her kids; she'd claw like a cornered ferret. It's just that violence wouldn't be her first option.

My wife is like a Star Trek tricorder in that she's always aware of her kids' life signs. She instinctively knows every heart rate elevation, every change in breathing pattern. Her life is one long nurse's shift.

She cares more about disease prevention than a Chinese bureaucrat in charge of a toy factory. When I came home from work the day she heard about the swine flu, she scrubbed me harder than they did Indiana Jones in Crystal Skull, after having survived the nuclear explosion. The skin on my kids' feet have never touched the kitchen floor.

Sometimes I argue with her that she does too much, "Have them make their own sandwiches," or that she needs ot be a little tougher on our kids about stuff, but, deep down, I know that she can't help it, and besides, that what I'm there for.

Happy Mother's Day, honey.

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Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Single Disc)