Funnimetric

Asymmetric has managed to get a copy of the "Beer Summit" transcript:

Gates: What's up, O? Joe. Hey, do I smell bacon?
Obama: Yo, Chip! Mr. Crowley.
Crowley: Mr. President. Mr. Gates. Mr...
Biden: Vice President.
Obama: Hey, we're just chilling. I'm not Nancy Pelosi. You can call me "O." Let me get you a beer- it's Bud light. That's you, Joe.
Biden: Right.
Crowley: Thanks, O.
Obama: OK, what happened? Why you dissin' my boy, Crowley?
Crowley: I was respondi...
Gates: What happened was that I was in my house and he just comes up and snatches me.
Obama: Damn! What you got to say for yourself, Crowley?
Crowley: He was yelling at me.
Gates: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I was in my house.
Crowley: Yeah, and then you started yelling.
Gates: So, can't a brother yell? African-Americans had to learn to yell because Africa is loud. It's a black thing. If you wouldn't have brought us over as slaves, we'd be making noise in the motherland.
Biden: Here's the beer. You know, back in Scran...
Obama: Shut up, Joe. The man's talking.
Crowley: Well, not in public, at a cop.
Gates: You probably have an AA- am I right? an AA?
Crowley: Yes.
Gates: OK, an AA. I teach at Harvard.
Crowley: I didn't know that at the time. I just saw two guys breaking in.
Gates: You saw two BLACK guys, you meant.
Crowley: Look man, you yelled and pissed me off. .
Gates: Can I get another beer? This Bud thing is making me sick. What you got?
Biden: We have Sam Adams.
Gates: I ain't drinkin' no slave-owner beer. You got something by people of color, like Tecate?
Obama: Joe, hurry up, biatch.
Biden: Right away. You know, back in Scran...
Obama: Shut up! OK. Go ahead, Chip.
Crowley: Actually, Sam Adams never owned slaves.
Gates: Where'd you get that, the History channel? Look, whatever. Are you down for some speeches. I'll explain why your actions were a result of systematic racism and you say something like, "You're just a spade." Big bucks. Not a big deal for me, but a dude like you can buy some NASCAR tickets or something.
Crowley: Sure. Maybe we can donate the money to some African-American charity.
Gates: Yeah, right.
Biden: Here, Mr. Gates. Back in Scrant..
Crowley, Obama, Gates: Shut up!
Obama: Can you move a little, Chip. The gleam in the teleprompter is bothering me. OK, thanks. Crap! We've got five minutes. So, Mr. Crowley, ummm what's your favorite gun?
Crowley: I don't know, O. Why do you ask?
Obama: Nothing. How about them Red Sox?
Crowley: They're OK. I'm worried about the pitching.
Obama: Yeah. OK, sports, guns. Little more, Chip? Thanks. Oh yeah! That Jon's a scumbag, leaving Octamom and all, isn't he?
Crowley: Jon?
Gates: That Kate. That's one salty cracker. You like 'em thick, Crowley?
Crowley: What?
Gates: Your wife. It's OK that she's obese.
Crowley: She's not obese.
Gates: You don't see her as obese because that's your white working class beauty standard. Us Africans find large women attractive too. If you were around Harvard long enough, however, you'd get to like normal women.
Obama: 3-2-1. O.K. Crowley, it was a pleasure. The usher will give you some Harry, the TV Repairman or whatever DVDs and some Walmart gift certificates. Want to get some steak, Chip?
Gates: Only if I'm buying.
Obama: I got this. Joe, be a good veep and rustle up the chopper. Tell them we're playing golf, too.
Biden: Can I co...
Obama: Joe, git!

After two days of relative calm on Friday and Saturday, the Comic Con convention in San Diego exploded in violence on Sunday after what seemed a personal dispute spilled over into the crowd.

Surveillance cameras captured the flash point: A man dressed in a Batman costume (Dark Knight #3 sans-cape, but with full utility belt) invited a young Jubilee-clad girl to his "batcave." The proposition didn't sit well with her boyfriend who arrived at the convention as a semi-transformed Bruce Banner, and a scuffle ensued. The audible portion of the tape is presented below:

"What do you want, DC punk," the boyfriend was overheard saying. "Why don't you go and fight for Truth and Justice, boy scout."

"That's Superman, dickweed. Batman is DARK! He's not for little kids anymore. Even Superman, with the release of Birthright is way deeper. Superman must battle himself and he advocates veganism." Besides, in your semi-transformed state, you can do me no harm.

"I'm getting angrier."

The crowd, having overheard the scuffle, began choosing sides and the disturbances commenced, dissipating the uneasy calm. Participants began fighting those with whom, after days of negotiation, they had put aside their differences to "revel as brothers and sisters regardless of origin or state of mutancy."

"All Hell broke loose. It was like a scene from Hulk #451. Everybody just started fighting. I can't believe this. I wanted to use my powers for good, not to fight my fellow comic book enthusiasts," said Gordon Fulanovich (AKA Clear Arrow), a plastic cover vendor.

With Marvel on one side and DC in the other, most of the alternative comic-book fans stayed on the sidelines and laughed. Some, however, like those from Fantagraphic Books, actually cheered them on, "Once we get those losers out of the way, we can get the recognition we deserve," said Love and Rockets devotee, Brad Johnson.

Music for Mechanics (Complete Love and Rockets, Book1) Vol. 1 by Jaime Hernandez, Gilbert Hernandez

Others, like Phillip Brown, outfitted as The Escapist, chose sides, "During my late twenties, as an immature reader of graphical prose, I would often read some of Marvel's offerings. I can't sit by and not do anything. Today, I assist the Marvel Multiverse."

Hell's Gate (BOOK 1 in new MULTIVERSE series) (Multiverse) by David Weber, Linda Evans

As none of the rioters had any real powers, the only people who inflicted considerable harm were some of the strength-based characters known as bricks. Timberwolf was particularly damaging, defeating both the Thing and Sabretooth before being subdued by police.

Juggernaught hurt himself running into a wall and the Human Torch burned down part of the Comics in Culture art display. Characters like Magneto and Marvel Girl left the brawl early, their tactics being decidedly ineffective.

Riot police quickly brought order to the event after Storm failed to deflect the tear gas employed by San Diego SWAT.

Citing their past community service, the police dropped most charges except for Thor, who was booked on misdemeanor weapons possession.

In future Comic Cons, Marvel fans will be separated from their DC rivals

CNN here and here.

Firedog attack on Geek Squad car heading out to upgrade a hard drive.

Rogue elements of the officially disbanded Circuit City paramilitary group Firedog continued their insurgency campaign today against their formerly friendly rivals sponsored by electronic retailer Best Buy, the Geek Squad, ambushing and destroying a group of Geek Squad trucks.

Investigators later determined that the Firedog insurgents placed a woofer box full of recalled Sony batteries on the side of the road and detonated it from a remote location with a Tracfone. Firedog insurgents first blinded the Geek Squad drivers with glossy netbook screens.

Lone survivor Timothy Hernandez described the scene:

"We were on the way to do a home theater install- ceiling-integrated speakers, 52" LCD, high voltage receiver, universal remote, even those outside speakers that look like rocks, everything. Then...I don't know, I just heard explosions and hid behind the TV mounting plate."

Best Buy manager Wendy Sherman held a press conference afterward:

This was another act of cowardice by Firedog. They hit our brave installers and then tried to blend into the non-nerd population by removing their t-shirts. Typical for them. Remember, this is a gang that not only targets other techs, but keeps the population in terror by threatening them with misprogramming their remotes and breaking through their firewalls to install problematic programs like Real Audio.

Firedog propaganda is often left by Firedog militants after an attack, in impoverished areas around Los Angeles, and in university faculty lounges.

The vice-chairman of Best Buy, Jonathan Story, also condemned Firedog, but dismissed their ability to disrupt Best Buy operations by claiming that the Firedog insurgency "is just a few dead-enders in their last throes."

Experts, however, caution that the insurgency is recruiting new members from a population upset with Best Buy's new restocking fees and stranglehold on high end audio.

Some even suspect that Firedog is secretly financed by Best Buy arch enemy, Howard's Big Screen, an allegation HBS denies.

Not everybody agrees that Firedog is ultimately responsible for the violence, however. Chad Thurston claimed that Firedog is merely resisting Best Buy's "technology imperialism" and struggling for "gadget justice."

Thurston also questioned Best Buy tactics:

"By capturing Firedog personnel and holding them without evidence of wrongdoing in secret or "black" warehouses with nothing but Zunes- with stock headphones (!), making them pose with eMachines and other retail computers with integrated graphics, and flushing their comic books down the toilet, Best Buy is just creating more tech terrorists."

Whatever the cause, people like Denise Gutierrez who lost her Blackberry Pearl to Firedog-hacked firmware just want the violence to end, "can't they just like both help people, side by side, like friends."

John Reece Roth, 71, a prominent plasma physicist was sentenced to four years in prison for 18 counts of conspiracy, wire fraud and violations of the Arms Export Control Act, after he allowed a Chinese graduate student to see sensitive information on unmanned aerial vehicles (UAVs), also known as drones.

“The illegal export of restricted military data represents a serious threat to national security,” David Kris of the U.S. Department of Justice, said in a statement, “We know that foreign governments are actively seeking this information for their own military development. Today’s sentence should serve as a warning to anyone who knowingly discloses restricted military data in violation of our laws.”

Here.

Some guys can't control themselves.

You don't think the Argentine president has the keys to the South Carolina National Guard armory?