Funnimetric

I was reading some of the commentary on the tragic death of census-taker Bill Sparkman in Kentucky.

The details of his death are unknown, but it doesn't really matter: the important thing to consider is that the people who killed him were probably opposed to nationalized health care.

Conservatives have a responsibility to contribute to the peace of the nation and instead of seizing this opportunity to end history, many of us are being discordant, and that's the problem. It's quite a simple formula, really: Disagreement begets argument. Argument begets division. Division leads to conflict. And, conflict leads to what happened in Kentucky.

As conservatives, then, we need to stop disagreeing, lest we cause the death of more innocents. I know, I know. You don't kill people. Yes, my friend, you do, with words. You see, disagreements are often about ideas. When your ideas don't mesh with others, you are starting disagreement. The formulation described above and a conservative hearing you will eventually take that disagreement as a signal to start killing people.

Don't liberals disagree?

Yes, but liberals have a full mind. They know that words aren't necessarily tied to action or that you can disagree without resorting to murder. Conservatives are much more obedient to authority (except the one they should be, the federal government). So, conservatives hear "He's wrong" and they think "Must kill nonconformist" like bees kill the oddball hive member (or something- liberals know more about nature).

The guy who killed Thomas Beckett was almost certainly a conservative.

I know what you're thinking: "But, maybe I'm right."

No, you're not.

Conservatives also have to realize that they're vastly inferior to people in liberal cities. People in liberal cities are very cool. They go to parties. They like interesting people, many of whom have unconventional sex lives. They like music from Africa. They love everybody as long as they're not a hater (us). They can talk for hours and hours at Starbucks while most conservatives can only communicate in "tongues." Many conservatives just sit on their porch drinking moonshine, scanning the horizon for government workers while Grandpa reads Bible verses. We shouldn't really complain about anything until we become as good as liberals. Then and only then, can we start to speak up.

So, stand up for your country and follow the program. This message will be placed in hunting magazines because most conservatives don't have internet access.

A Wolfeboro, N.H teacher asked this question:

"If you knocked your brother down, would you urinate in his mouth..?"

It really irks me when teachers oversimplify complicated moral problems. Without the context of the situation, it's virtually impossible to answer in either the affirmative or negative.

Assuming, however, that the knocking-down was intentional and for good reason- say as recompense for an uninvited reception of bodily effluence- then the action would be just- an emanation for an emanation, to paraphrase an ancient legal code.

Excepting tit-for-tat retaliation, urination should be used rarely, if at all. Not to say that it should be ruled out a priori- the threat of being peed-on has a deterrent effect. Neither, however, should one use such a messy option without first escalating gradually through less severe options like the "noogie," the "pantsing," and "wet willy."

Urination is always wrong in casual horseplay.

I think that the pee-ee is entitled to adequate medical services from the pee-er or at least the ability to wash up, according to the Geneva convention.

Special rules apply for females.

It's a provocative question. I'd recommend the teacher clarify the brothers' situation.

It's inspiring when people spend their own time to help humanity understand its past. In fact, watching this guy move those huge stones motivated me to figure out some other mysteries. This weekend, my brother-in-law and I will go over to the quarry at Irwindale and recreate one of those Easter Island thingies- Maori, I think.

During my vacation in December, I plan on renting leasing some cheap land, maybe an old Circuit City or something and burning one of those Nazca crop shapes into the ground.

I'm also watching the extended Blu-Ray of Mel Gibson's Apocalypto to figure out how those wily Mayans knew about JFK's death. Hopefully I'll get to finishing it in a couple of years, around Chikchan 14th or thereabouts.

I'd like to be the first to say that I know many pro-choice people who are respectable members of the community. It would be completely unfair for I or any other pro-life person or group to use this horrible incident- where a pro-choice person decided to kill a gentleman he didn't know only because the gentleman wanted to protect unborn babies- to perpetuate a stereotype of the pro-choice as fanatics or homicidal preachers of hate in order to score cheap political points. You can be pro-choice and completely sane: it's just a different point-of-view that we should engage in good faith.

Nor do I think that the pro-choice philosophy necessarily leads to violence and hatred.

I'm sure Planned Parenthood, the Huffington Post, and other pro-choice organizations would have nothing to do with this man and are busy writing up condemnations as I type.

(CNN) -- Authorities have charged an Owosso, Michigan, man with two counts of first-degree premeditated murder in the Friday shooting deaths of an anti-abortion activist and another man, a prosecutor's office said.

Authorities say the suspect, Harlan James Drake, was offended by anti-abortion material that the activist had displayed across from the school all week.

Obama address to nation

Asymmetric has gotten a hold of Obama's speech to the nation's children. It's been significantly revised from the original (below):

Children of America,

I am your president. Ready? 3-2-1: Implement Operation Hope...

Your teachers should be out of the class and those of your classmates not down for the program should be restrained. OK. Let's begin:

Children, you will live in the future for a long time- longer than anybody else (which makes you more important than your parents, if you think about it). You want a tomorrow in which you won't have to worry about school, health care, mp3 downloads, food, intermittent internet access, unwanted births, skating rights, mommy-style jeans, pollution, dead animals, super-hot climates where you'll never be able to wear cute sweaters.

Not only that, you desire a hopeful world that will give you stuff in exchange for a little hope and fairness on your part.

It's your right.

But some people don't want to give you your rights because they're afraid of change. They want you to go through life all raggedy and hopeless. They're like the tracker vampire, James, from Twilight who prefers darkness and evil. These people are called "Republicans" and their leaders are old white dudes who hate people with their own style.

Today, children like you face a fundamental choice: Will you choose the path of backwardness, squareness, uncoolness or will you choose the path of sick bitchin'-ness and dope-ness? Hope or fear? Homework or video games? Pastiness or down people of color? Republicanism or love?

Do you want to be a good, sensitive vampire who drinks animal blood so that you can love humans instead of eat them or the bad, human-eating kind?

Do you want to be like Bono and work to fulfill America's promise or do you want to be un-American like that mean Joseph McCarthy from your history book?

As another good-looking, hip president who would have voted for me said, "Do you want something done for you or do you want to have to do a bunch of boring stuff?"

As my friend Jay-Z says, "Are you down, pimp?"

Now, let me be clear: just like pimpin' ain't easy, fundamental change for goodness and hope will not be "recruit level" in Call of Duty 4.

Here's what we can all do to help the world be a better place. Do them now because every minute we delay, we dis' hope and make change even harder:

When you get home, ask your parents why they want you to die. Get in their face. Don't let them fool you with the stuffy fading values of the past.

Go into their bedroom, take just enough money from your parents' wallet so that they won't notice, and give it to the guy in the t-shirt that says "ACORN" who will be 50 feet from your school tomorrow.

I also want you to do the study materials I sent to each of y'alls' My Space. And, don't worry, I asked them to disable the parent filters for a week.

The first assignment is to write down every anti-progress thing your parents say and email it to myparentswantmetodie@whitehouse.gov or post it on my Facebook (how cool is that?). Be careful: If your parents voted for this man [hold up picture of Bush], they might be total haters and get butt hurt. They won't understand that you just want to live right. If they do find out, ask the ACORN man for the number to the local progress facilitator at the child protective services office and tell them that your parents found out that you're questioning and that they want to talk to you about it. That'll keep them distracted for a while.

Second, text your ideas for helping me help you and a list of cool things everybody should have to the change czar- no airtime charges!

Above all: don't lose hope. You're smarter than your parents. They didn't say anything as they and their ancestors made people slaves and cut down trees. What did they say about your choice to express yourself through body art? One day, as you're on vacation with Tila Tequila, partying down with the hottie of you choice, playing X-Box, and driving fast cars that clean up the planet, you will be glad that you were part of something. As that great liberator Che said, "All you haters, step off, it's our turn."

Thank you and have a cool year. If your teachers haven't found a way in by now, open the door for them.

Original text:

I am President Obama! Listen to me, children of the Earth! Today I bring a New Order to your planet! One which shall last until the end of time!

Each of you... each man, each woman, each person-who-won't-conform-to-traditional-sex-categorization, each child - all will march proudly together in this New Order! Your lands, your homes, your possessions, your very lives... All of this and more you will gladly give to me!

There is no longer a need for separate nations in this world, no need for petty squabbles between one group and another. All of you will work together, strive, produce, and sacrifice together - and all for a common goal!

It is useless for you to resist as it is for me to annihilate you. You will only bring death and destruction upon yourselves, while I will lose the potential products of your labour. There is now one law, one order, one ruler who alone will determine your collective destiny! One force before will all of you shall kneel forever! In return for this submission you will have my generous protection! In other words - you will be allowed to live.

I will not repeat myself again! There is no nation! Therefore there cannot be a monument to one! From this day forward - there is only Obama!

I did three manly things in one week, fulfilling my quota for 2009 (it's good to get things out of the way early).

The first thing I did was train my sons in the martial arts. Antonio, 8, below:

Yes, America: somebody will have your back in 2020.

Next, my older son told his mother that a kid who who lives down the block threatened my son and insulted my wife in ways which I won't get into now, but that the kid probably learned from a rap video. My wife wanted to call the cops or go confront the mother herself.

OK. First, I assessed the threat level. If the kid was by himself, "you should go up and tell him something, son." No, he was with some older boys. Too dangerous.

Next, as I read in the National Review years ago that husbands are the representatives of the household, I told my wife that I'd handle it myself. I went and talked to the kid's parents and they saw it my way. Problem solved. Wife felt taken-care-of (womanly) and my son felt proud. Next day, the kid didn't bother my son.

Lastly, I changed a tire in the desert on the way to Las Vegas.

I want to acknowledge two fine human beings, at this point: First, some lady alerted me to the flat while on the road by writing a sign and putting it up against the window. God bless her.

Second, a man stopped on the highway behind me to take some pictures. I asked him for a tire iron since my wife's car didn't have one (un-preparedness- not manly). He gave me his which happened to be the right size. God bless him.

Anyways, I got the flat between Apple Valley and Barstow. I tried calling a tow truck to change the tire because I didn't have the tire iron, but nobody wanted to come out and help- I was in no-man's land.

My marriage being a heterosexual one and me being the man, there was never any doubt who would be in charge of fixing the flat. The chore received bonus manliness points for its difficulty: the tire iron couldn't turn the screw on the jack, and I had to MacGyver a mechanism to do so from one of those clips people use for I don't know what in the civilian world and that I had in the car because the Army gave me one.

There you have it: one of the most manly weeks of my life.