Funnimetric

There are some manly things that I just can't wrap my hairy, rippling arms around. I know what you're thinking: "That's impossible- you are the epitome of manliness; the most manly man since Alexander the Great."** Sorry to disappoint, but I don't like:

1. UFC.

It was exciting when it first came out, but the brutality gets to one after a while. I prefer more refined sports like boxing or dog fighting.

The bitter science

2. Tom Clancy.

I read about two-thirds of Debt of Honor. Yes, it has descriptions of machinery and the characters ooze martially-oriented cleverness and virtue, but it also has pages of dialogue whose only purpose is to explain how stuff happens. If I want to know how stock markets work, I'll go to Wikipedia.

3. Beer.

Just like people burnish their sophistication bona fides by pretending to like Picasso or Frank Zappa or to have read Finnegan's Wake (or by using Latin phrases), some guys emphasize their love of beer to prove their sensible down-to-earth-ness. "Beer" summits? "Who would you rather have a beer with?".

4. Bar-B-Que.

I don't know why cooking outside is any more manly than cooking indoors. To me, it's still cooking. I suspect that some clever lady brought this up at the annual wives meeting:

"How do we get our husbands to cook, gals?"
"Tell them it's a macho thing."

Some guys also spend big money on outdoor stuff; sometimes on things that were once free or aren't so much things as lack of things, like dirt. Here's a place called My Fire Pits that sells pits. Gentlemen, you can spend $200 on a fire pit or $7 on a shovel and cook the way your ancestors did when their lord booted them off the manor for refusing to give up 30% of their wheat.

5. Wood.

There's nothing like the feel of a nice slab of Formica or composite plastic.

6. Car Maintenance.

I have to admit that building and fixing can be emotionally rewarding, but if I really liked to "do it myself," I wouldn't have taken my car in to change the dome-light bulb.

7. Survival.

I'd rather stay in a hotel and watch History Channel than get lost on purpose so that I can use my orienting skills to find my way to the exact same starting point. You can tell which berries aren't poisonous? Big deal. I guarantee you this power bar won't kill me. As soon as men have been able, they've gone to cities. The only people who stay are disaffected Rambo types. Even then, they're often forced back into civilization during emergencies.

8. Hunting.

Talk about obsolete! This isn't the late 19th century; modern slaughterhouses are clean and their products, delicious.

9. Trophy wives.

I admire rich guys who have a wife their age- and height.

10. Poker.

I prefer a dice with twenty sides to a deck with fifty-two cards. Not knowing how to play sure does make me popular, however.

11. Megalomania.

Taking over the world would be nice, but is it really worth the trouble? Getting the right permits for the lair. Interviewing henchmen and sexy assassins. Exotic pets. Hacking into super-sensitive computer networks to control a robot army. Who needs it?

12. Man caves.

I tried to make my garage into a man cave. I had my computer there with some nice Klipsch speakers, a little fridge, books, darts. I like my "man time." It's just that I feel bad being alone when the wife and kids are around; surely, it's psychologically unhealthy to know that your dad is spending big bucks to avoid you?

"Where's dad, mami: I want to take advantage of his vast knowledge."

"Yeah, mom. I need somebody to mold my character. Right now!"

"Mom, does dad know that the offspring of men with man caves have a 60% greater chance of going to jail or working for ACORN?"

"I don't know kids. The man I married needs to be alone. Just 40,000 more points and he'll be a level 49 wizard in WoW. You know how important that is to him."

13. Muscle cars.

Who would rather drive a car that gets 13 miles to the gallon, handles like a real Hot Wheel, and is as comfortable as sitting next to Michael Moore in economy class when they can buy a modern Civic that goes just as fast and women are actually willing to sit in?

Notice that there aren't any women close to it. The nearest woman is probably 40 miles away, in some guy's BMW.

14. NASCAR, Power boating, Motocross, X-treme sports, Log throwing, Truck pulling, and any other pseudo-sports or real-sport bastardization like keg softball.

To qualify as a sport, an activity:

1. Requires participants to have a body fat percentage under 70.
2. Can't require anything invented after 1836.
3. Can't last longer than 4 hours.
4. Can't be an extension of some ancient occupation.
5. Has to be interesting to at least 10% of the black population.

15. Body functions.

Necessary for health. Sometimes relieving. However, neither funny nor fun. Definitely private.

**If you're really stuck on me being your ideal of manliness, you can rationalize this whole post by saying that I'm man enough to admit my weaknesses.