Funnimetric

1. T-shirts with a company logo. Imagine if every car were the same except for a huge "Toyota," "Ford," or "BMW" across the hood. That's what we have today with all of the Hollister, BeBe, Abercrombie, Ed Hardy, Aeropostale, Calvin Klein, etc. shirts and Coach, Louis Vuittan, Dooney and Bourke purses. The only genius these shirts display is the marketer's ability to have consumers pay for the company's advertising.

Wow, I never could have come up with that!

I think women's tops should either have a real design or just be plain.

At least somebody had to design something.

2. What I said above goes double for logos on the butt, and you can add on some tackiness, to boot.

Can you come here? I forgot my glasses.

3. Tasteless Ts. It's bad enough when guys wear offensive t-shirts, whether it's political like "Buck Fush" or sexual, like any number of things (just do a search). It's downright unladylike for women.

In order for society to function at a level of high harmony, it's best that people to wear positive things in public. I thought it a positive trend, relatively, when girls at my school started wearing "I love my boyfriend" shirts.

A nice sentiment, at least.

Sports, games (I've seen Bingo shirts. Apparently, there's such a thing as "Bingo fashion"), nature; the pro-Obama shirts are fine, but not the Joker-Obama hybrid ones.

Go Angels

4. Low-rise jeans. In certain instances, they can be "effective," but two issues "arise." First, about 40% of the low-rise jeans I see should not be around the women they are. There may come a day when legislation catches up to fashion, and the government issues licenses for low-rise jeans, but I don't see a grass roots movement for that today and it's up to individual women, therefore, to self-police.

Second, and I know I'm ruining it for some of you guys, but low-rise jeans can cross the line between wholesomely sexy (noticing a woman's beauty) and prurient/slutty (practically forcing men to imagine marital acts). It's a fine line, but one that exists. I mean, what's the point of showing butt-cleavage, ladies?

Crossing the sexy/slutty divide.

Doesn't say much for their cropping skills.

The White House sees nothing funny about the security breach that allowed Joe Biden to enter Barack Obama's first official state dinner for Indian Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh.

The Secret Service held a press conference today:

"We're as shocked as anybody. We told the Vice-President that it was important that he go to his underground bunker and find waste and fraud in the stimulus spending. The 'solve the Iraqi crisis' bit was getting old. Anyways, we will be conducting a full investigation."

The Secret Service insisted that President was in no danger, as Joe Biden was on one of his "mellow highs."

Tomorrow is the biggest shopping day of the year and I know that there are tens of people out there awaiting my advice before venturing forth. Well, here it is:

1. Try to get your Black Friday shopping in early. It might be a little more expensive, but you get your stuff earlier and avoid the long lines. I bought a printer last week, the 495CW for $99.00. I can get that same printer tonight for $89.00 and the higher-end model at Staples is now $99.00, but hey! err... it's in my bedroom right now, isn't it?

2. Always pay with a debit card and get cash back. That way, it doesn't feel like a purchase at all; it's like you're making money!

3. If you get there a little late and are far behind in the line, create a distraction, Scooby Doo-style. I'm having my son wear a hospital gown and go up and down the line, sneezing. Keep an eye out for meddling kids.

4. Remember that Black Friday isn't for your benefit. The economy depends on people buying things they don't need.

OK. Now, go out there and do your duty.

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More emails from the violated CRU (Climate Research Unit) server have been released by Russian hackers. The details on this are still sketchy, we’ll probably never know what went on. But it appears that University of East Anglia-based CRU scientists may have sunk to depths even the greatest climate skeptics never imagined.

From: Phil Jones
To: mann@vxxxxx.xxx
Subject: WTF! WoW!
Date: Thu Jan 29 14:17:01 2008

Mike,

This whole situation is absurd! I'm a Resto and Balance Druid who's
cleared 4/5 ToGC 25 and 5/5 ToGC 10 with Insanity, Ulduar 10 all hard modes no algalon, and Ulduar 25 only Heartbreaker. Yet, nobody's picked me up for their guild!

P.S. Al called; wants more polar bear pics.

Cheers
Phil

Prof. Phil Jones
Climatic Research Unit Telephone +44 (0) xxxxx
School of Environmental Sciences Fax +44 (0) xxxx
University of East Anglia
Norwich Email p.jones@xxx.xxx
NR4 7TJ
UK
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: Mike Mann
To: phil@vxxxxx.xxx
Subject: RE: WTF! WoW!
Date: Thu Jan 29 15:17:01 2008

Dude,

That sucks. I don't want to be rude, but I think people may have heard about that time you got pwned by that 14th-level Tauren Death Knight. Why don't you just erase that part of your character record? I showed you how to do that using the "character-tracker" trick.

-Mike

P.S. Had Wanda (rrrrrr) photoshop a polar bear pic. Get this: The beast is standing on four different blocks of ice, one per foot!

Prof. Mike Mann
Climatic Research Unit Telephone +44 (0) xxxxx
School of Environmental Sciences Fax +44 (0) xxxx
University of East Anglia
Norwich Email mann@xxx.xxx
NR4 7TJ
UK

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: Phil Jones
To: mann@vxxxxx.xxx
Subject: RE: RE: WTF! WoW!
Date: Thu Jan 29 16:17:01 2008

ROFL! Four pieces of ice! Mike, what's going on with Wanda? If I didn't "work" on the other side of the building, I'd be warming her oceans and polluting her climate, if you know what I mean. Heard she's a real 'berg.

-Phil

Prof. Phil Jones
Climatic Research Unit Telephone +44 (0)xxxxxx
School of Environmental Sciences Fax +44 (0) xxxxxx
University of East Anglia
Norwich Email p.jones@xxx.xx.xx
NR4 7TJ
UK

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: Mike Mann
To: phil@vxxxxx.xxx
Subject: RE: RE: RE: WTF! WoW!
Date: Thu Jan 29 17:17:01 2008

Phil,

He he. Yeah, I'm just waiting for the right moment to pounce and then I'll do to her what Ed Begley Jr. did to that Big Mac I snuck into the Greanpeace conference.

-Mike

Prof. Mike Mann
Climatic Research Unit Telephone +44 (0) xxxxx
School of Environmental Sciences Fax +44 (0) xxxx
University of East Anglia
Norwich Email mann@xxx.xxx
NR4 7TJ
UK

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: Phil Jones
To: mann@vxxxxx.xxx
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: WTF! WoW!
Date: Thu Jan 29 18:17:01 2008

-Phil

Prof. Phil Jones
Climatic Research Unit Telephone +44 (0)xxxxxx
School of Environmental Sciences Fax +44 (0) xxxxxx
University of East Anglia
Norwich Email p.jones@xxx.xx.xx
NR4 7TJ
UK

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: Mike Mann
To: phil@vxxxxx.xxx
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: WTF! WoW!
Date: Thu Jan 29 19:17:01 2008

Homie, you don't know me. I arranged for a copy of my resume, credit report, AND physical to accidentally be left on her desk. I "manipulated the data" just a little bit. Let's just say that she might find me more attractive when she finds out I had strait Alphas at Oxford, have 1000*1000 pounds in the bank, and am hung like a polar bear.

-Mike

P.S.

I'm about to level up. Just use the temperature data from 1999 for the report. AP'll believe anything.

Prof. Mike Mann
Climatic Research Unit Telephone +44 (0) xxxxx
School of Environmental Sciences Fax +44 (0) xxxx
University of East Anglia
Norwich Email mann@xxx.xxx
NR4 7TJ
UK

The Organization of Humanity into World of Warcraft (OH-WOW) has called for the scientists' resignation. Wanda is unaware of the controversy.

The McRib is back! Who says that consumer action doesn't work? Friends, after a year of writing letters, picketing McD's headquarters, and the human chains; we finally brought Goliath to his knees (I think the hunger strike really pushed them over the edge). The man has relented and given the people culinary justice.

I guess I can finally eat my "in case of emergency" McRib, frozen and vacuum sealed.

For those of you unfamiliar with this delicacy, the McRib is to pork what nuggets are to chicken and the Filet-o-fish is to seafood: a product that- while using it as a reference and building block- improves upon nature.

Visual learners:

Chomp! Indeed.

**disclaimer**

Check with your doctor before eating. Asymmetric is not responsible for either physical damage or life-dulling bliss.

Don't eat while driving.

Bucking the trend towards discounted services, a new chain of upscale check cashing stores has opened locations in major cities throughout the nation.

Walk into an Espèces Chalet and you're greeted by one of the long-legged "cash attendants." She might bring you an expresso as you use the leather-trimmed, Alexa Stamatiou-adorned ATM. Checks are cashed at the concierge desk where you can also ask about the latest, hottest clubs and night spots.

Manager Roland says that business has been brisk, "The French name helps a lot. We're getting a lot of Hollywood customers as word spreads. Margot Kidder's right over there. She was in Superman."

Indeed, during our time there, we saw Wesley Snipes, Lindsay Lohan, MC Hammer and other stars come in for what's becoming the famous "Chalet treatment."

Asked why those in need of his financial services wouldn't just use online services that provide cash loans, Roland, a distinguished-looking gentleman with a hard-to-place European or perhaps Salvadorean accent said that some people are accustomed to being waited on, and they expect that level of service in even the most mundane tasks: "They can cash a check anywhere, but in other places, it's just a business transaction. Here, it's an experience."

Papparazzi outside of the Especes Chalet sometimes encounter hostile celebrities. One of the starwatchers recounted a particularly nasty run-in with Gary Coleman, where the Different Strokes star allegedly kicked a photographer in the shins, "He might have grown up in luxury, but he's a tough little dude. You have to admire his loyalty to Dana Plato, though."

For those of you planning on rubbing elbows with the "non-banked chic," you're out of luck. Services are by appointment only and clients are recommended.

"It's not snobby. It's part of the dream. That's what great about America. One day you're working on a farm in Iowa and the next you're paying 25% interest on a $500.00 loan to buy sunglasses and a winter coat," said a certain star of the long-running series Night Court who asked not to be identified, "I don't want to be mean, but I've had some stalkers. Lots, if fact. A whole bunch. Probably more than a lot of stars. Really."

Experts are divided on the future of Especes Chalet, but one thing is obvious: the famous still need to hock their wedding rings; they just do it in style.

Beyonce escorts Emmanuel Lewis to the Chalet. Sometimes stars just want to be seen.

The Chalet is always busy when residual checks are cut for Small Wonder: "Who'd have thunk that that little robot chick would be a stripper. She seemed so disciplined," remarked a patron.