Funnimetric

The Syfy channel has had such a positive reaction to the spelling change in its name (from the hoarily traditional Scifi) that it plans on doing it again. Syfy is currently considering Sigh Figh, CyFi, Tsi Phi, and the Cthulu-inspired S'nglui Ph'nglui.

President Dave Howe said that he might eschew all of those names and choose something that brings in a female demographic like XOXOXO or BFFi.

Syfy encourages consumer feedback.

Danny Glover is a man who loves Haitians and wants to help them in this crisis.

However, Mr. Glover, by focusing on irrelevant issues, you do Haitians no good in this time of crisis. Faults in the ground cause earthquakes. Temperatures, which haven't increased anyways, don't have a whole heck of a lot to do with it. Even if weather did affect the earth's crust significantly, Caribbean hurricane activity is at a 30-year low.

I do agree with you, Mr. Glover, that what happened at Copenhagen summit did affect Haiti. Instead of wasting their time and money in Copenhagen flying around in jets, eating expensive meals, panting carbon dioxide with local hookers, delegates maybe could have fortified the Port au Prince hospital.

Perhaps if we don't waste trillions of dollars subsidizing stuff that won't work, maybe we can earthquake-proof some Haitian buildings. Here's an idea: What if don't hobble business with taxation so they can invest in Haiti: Haiti credits, anyone?

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

Got it from this fellow B2evolution user. Explanation here, as if you needed one.

Bucking the trend towards discounted services, a new chain of upscale check cashing stores has opened locations in major cities throughout the nation.

Walk into an Espèces Chalet and you're greeted by one of the long-legged "cash attendants." She might bring you an expresso as you use the leather-trimmed, Alexa Stamatiou-adorned ATM. Checks are cashed at the concierge desk where you can also ask about the latest, hottest clubs and night spots.

Manager Roland says that business has been brisk, "The French name helps a lot. We're getting a lot of Hollywood customers as word spreads. Margot Kidder's right over there. She was in Superman."

Indeed, during our time there, we saw Wesley Snipes, Lindsay Lohan, MC Hammer and other stars come in for what's becoming the famous "Chalet treatment."

Asked why those in need of his financial services wouldn't just use online services that provide cash loans, Roland, a distinguished-looking gentleman with a hard-to-place European or perhaps Salvadorean accent said that some people are accustomed to being waited on, and they expect that level of service in even the most mundane tasks: "They can cash a check anywhere, but in other places, it's just a business transaction. Here, it's an experience."

Papparazzi outside of the Especes Chalet sometimes encounter hostile celebrities. One of the starwatchers recounted a particularly nasty run-in with Gary Coleman, where the Different Strokes star allegedly kicked a photographer in the shins, "He might have grown up in luxury, but he's a tough little dude. You have to admire his loyalty to Dana Plato, though."

For those of you planning on rubbing elbows with the "non-banked chic," you're out of luck. Services are by appointment only and clients are recommended.

"It's not snobby. It's part of the dream. That's what great about America. One day you're working on a farm in Iowa and the next you're paying 25% interest on a $500.00 loan to buy sunglasses and a winter coat," said a certain star of the long-running series Night Court who asked not to be identified, "I don't want to be mean, but I've had some stalkers. Lots, if fact. A whole bunch. Probably more than a lot of stars. Really."

Experts are divided on the future of Especes Chalet, but one thing is obvious: the famous still need to hock their wedding rings; they just do it in style.

Beyonce escorts Emmanuel Lewis to the Chalet. Sometimes stars just want to be seen.

The Chalet is always busy when residual checks are cut for Small Wonder: "Who'd have thunk that that little robot chick would be a stripper. She seemed so disciplined," remarked a patron.

Barack Obama received his "any enemy of George Bush is a hero for peace" award today. I don't want to write this joke twice, so just substitute Obama's name for Gore's.

Al Gore wins Alderaanian medal.

To paraphrase Edwin Starr: Dachshund? What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!

I was at my friends house playing the nearly incomprehensible Arkham Horror when an equally perplexing thought occurred to me: Why do dachshunds exist? It wasn't a completely random thought; two of these "dogs" wandering underneath (way underneath) the table prompted the question. I didn't mean it in the Cartesian, philosophical sense- I was staring right at them and didn't doubt their real presence. It wasn't a redirection of my frustration at Arkham Horror. I didn't hate the dogs themselves. In fact, I can honestly say that I pitied them. The owner of the dogs wasn't being a bad host- he's a nice guy with a fabulous collection of beers (Mexican beats Irish beer, I think). I just don't know for the life of me why these beasts walk, nearly crawl, on the face of this earth.

Think about it: Some German dude scoured the forests of Central Europe for the smallest-legged dogs he could find and did everything he could to shorten them further, "No, I can still see the legs. Get me a shorter dog!" He kept going until he came up with what is, essentially, a millipede with teeth and ears.

Honestly, how long would such a creature live out in the wild? 12 minutes? They're probably as frightened of a 12 Monkeys scenario as humans. The only thing it'd be able to catch is an older Dachshund. Noah would prioritize dachshunds between hamsters and ticks.

12 Monkeys (Special Edition)

What job would you assign a dachshund? Dobermans can guard a house. Retrievers get stuff for you. Pointers help you find things. Chihuahuas are good corporate spokescreatures. Dachshunds can only bring its owner the sympathy of people with real pets.

Stephen Hawking's smart. Do Dachshunds make up for their physical shortcoming with an advanced doggy intellect? Not that I noticed. Same sniff, eat, sleep routine as other dogs.

Thanks for the opportunity to vent. I'm studying the Arkham Horror rule book and sandwiching these brief diversions between my eight-hour study blocks helps me keep my sanity.

Arkham Horror

Arkham Horror: Kingsport Horror