Funnimetric

Superbowl 44 was quite pleasant. Not too many penalties or turnovers. A bold onside kick, which proved to be the momentum changer. Drew Brees gave a steady, Joe Montana-like performance.

The ads were sub-par. They weren't as funny as those in previous years. Megan Fox brought the sexiness factor to 0 all by herself after it plunged into negative territory with Betty White and dudes in their underwear.

She obviously wanted to disprove the ugly thumb rumors.

Instead of going through each one and rating them, as I did last year, I thought I'd just sit down and write about the ones I remember. I'd recall the best, worst, and most effective ones, right?

The Betty White ad was probably the worst, followed by the Super Bowl shuffle ad reprise, Kiss, and every Dorito commercial except the one with the bark collar:

Many other bad ones that left no impact.

The Tim Tebow ad successfully made NOW and Planned Parenthood look silly for opposing a very innocent ad that really said nothing. It merely invited people to learn more about pro-life issues at the Focus on the Family website. So, a big score for the forces of life.

As for social trends, the quiet (lest our wives hear) backlash against feminism was present, again. Remember last year when guys hurt themselves and said, "I'm good," and the Heineken beer closet commercials? Whereas last year's guy ads celebrated mens' goofiness; this year, men were urged to "wear the pants":

Even if this doesn't lead to real change in the dynamics of opposite-sex relationships, it's at least a recognition of a feeling that perhaps things aren't quite right.

Dodge, the dinosaur car company, celebrated the responsible male's life:

Dove, of all companies, released a paean to the good guy, bravo male:

There was another one, but I don't remember it.

The ad that has liberal control freaks up in arms is Audi Green Police. It taps into the growing sentiment that perhaps greeniness isn't motivated by a desire to address a real problem so much as by that old-fashioned drive to control human behavior, Liberal Fascism-style. This is the beginning of the end for the ideological environmental movement, my friends.

What's odd is that Audi mocks its customer base. Or, it isn't that Audi makes fun of extremist greens and them urges people to buy an 8-cylinder guzzler; they're selling a diesel car. Weird.

Liberal Fascism: The Secret History of the American Left, From Mussolini to the Politics of Meaning by Jonah Goldberg

The Denny's chicken alert ad lacked social value, except for PETA, perhaps, but is the one that made me laugh the most.

...that "sometimes when you lose an arm, another sense takes over."

?

So, the little woman and I are watching Batman Begins:

Wife: So, what did the bat give him?

Me: Where's my coffee? Huh?

Wife: When they bit him. What did he get?

Me: Huh?

Wife: Can he hear like a bat or fly or something?

Me: [look at her quizzically]

Wife: The bats bit him. What can he do now?

Me: Are you seriously saying that you think Batman has super powers? He's just a guy. A highly trained guy with stuff. Excuse me, I need to go out for some cigs.

Wife: You smoke?

Me: I guess we're both learning new things about each other.

I haven't gone home yet. What should I do?

The Dark Knight (+ BD Live) [Blu-ray]

Batman Begins [Blu-ray]

1. Forget health care. The president should commission a blue-ribbon panel on the decline in flight attendant quality. It's not that they're rude or wouldn't react like Bruce Willis in Die Hard; it's just that...errr...well, at one point I confused the one on this flight with my dad. It used to be that flying was a stimulating experience. Now, I can't tell the stewardesses apart from the ladies working as See's Candy. And, a bunch of them are guys, or somewhere in between. I don't know.

It's not all bad. The change to women who have gone through "the change" allows me to squeeze in more reading; blogging, at the moment.

Delta fliers can still watch this.

The prettiest stewardess I've ever seen was this lass who served on my trip from Maine to Ireland in 2004. What a trip!

2. I have a fascinating conversation with the person next to me 95% of the time I fly. I know what you're thinking and no, I'm not super-annoying (I think). This time, it was with a New York cardiologist originally from Pakistan, traveling with his wife, son, and new grand-daughter.

Really great person. Wonderful two-hour conversation. At one point, I asked him if he was like his father. He said, "no, my father was twice the man I was." He had recently gone to Mecca.

3. I bought a jacket from Pacific Trail. Love it! I forgot the phone clip for my Droid and was carrying it in my hand. Annoying. Then, I saw the picture below on my coat:

Probably not the most current phone design.

Problem solved! I just put it in there and was on my way. A pocket just for phones: Thanks, Pacific Trail.

4. CNN is still the default news channel. They still play it in the airports, even though Fox has twice the audience. The reason is that conservatives can tolerate liberal stations, if only out of habit, while liberals can't stand Fox.

5. The good thing about the east coast is that everything happens three hours earlier. Less waiting.

Die Hard Collection (Die Hard/ Die Hard 2: Die Harder/ Die Hard with a Vengeance/ Live Free or Die Hard) [Blu-ray]

Don "Moose" Lewis, founder of the world's second all-white basketball league in history (The NBA desegregated in 1950), the AABA, announced the league's first 12 teams today. They are:

1. Orlando Ofays.
2. Little Rock Crackers
3. Atlanta Honkies.
4. Jackson Burnt
5. Tallahassee Sheets.
6. Washington Grand Wizards
7. Utah Speed Metal
8. Montgomery Masters
9. Baton Rouge Necks
10. Boise The Man
11. Chapel Hill Billies
12. New York Ni**erstompers

The season will last two months and culminate in a championship to be held in April. The opening game will begin with a performance of Deutschland Uber Alles by the Lewis' wife and cousin, Anabel Lewis. The halftime show will feature a cross burning (fan participation encouraged), an unfree throw contest, and musical performance by Danzig.

To vote for league all-stars, fans will have to prove that they can read, that their grandfather voted in a previous all-star game, and pay a ballot tax of $10.00.

Asked why he chose to start the league, Lewis said that only allowing white players is the only way to assure a high quality of play, "all that jumping and dunking: it ruins the game for people who just like crisp passing and two-handed set shots."

What is this man saying?

My wife, children, and myself got hungry driving though Bakersfield, on our way back to Los Angeles from Fresno. I gently asked the GPS lady if she'd mind interrupting her excellent navigation and find us a place to eat. She reluctantly agreed and offered us a choice of restaurants. One of them, under the "other" category, was Long John Silver's [restaurant] and it's there we decided to sup, as one of "Long" John's commercials interrupted the History channel's investigation of the 2012 Mayan prophecy (I'm glad somebody's on the job) the night before.

We got off the 5 freeway and spotted LJS, it's urine-yellow sign beckoning; parked; entered; and ordered. Here's how it went:

Service:

Very good. The order-taker spoke an excellent Mexican-English patois, sprinkled with hearty "Arrgh!"s, and patiently explained what was in the hushpuppies. The same girl who informed the cook of our culinary desires by remote control took the prepared meal to our table. Performing both functions made me feel as if we had established a relationship and more than a little pampered.

Atmosphere:

Long John Silver's slogan is "Throw Boring Overboard," an exceptionally clever metaphor with a rare alliterative flourish. As advertised, I wasn't bored the entire time there. LJS's was indeed fun, even thrilling.

The restaurant successfully recreated the fast-food experience of 17th century Caribbean pirates, right down to the coquettish serving wenches and edge-of-the-world bathroom facilities.

Patrons were only twice the size of an average Frenchman.

Food:

I don't know how LJS's does it, but they're able to imbue their bread, chicken, fish, and shrimp with the exact same taste. We couldn't tell any of the foods apart. My suggestion is to just get the cheapest thing. The fish seemed like it would be healthy, combining as it does the best parts of 46 different marine species along with whatever happened to crawl in the fillet vat.

Errata:

The condiment stand was well-stocked, but whoever decided to make the condiment cups 2mm tall should be fired. Such a cup should allow for dipping. The only thing we could do was strafe; twice, and then back to the con-stand. Very inconvenient.

This condiment cup is unacceptable.

A well-stocked condiment stand.

Conclusion:

As exciting as it was, I'm not sure if I'd patronize LJS's again. It's just too hard to maintain that enthusiasm. Sometimes, people just want a nice, boring slab of death.

I had some misgivings, but didn't want to upset the Bakersfield natives. I ordered my son to ring the bell.