Funnimetric

You may have heard that LAUSD, the school district I help out when I'm not blogging, is suffering through a massive payroll problem because of a computer switchover (wait until the same guys run your health care). Well, today I wasted a nice chunk of your money waiting in the LAUSD downtown office to fix one of those problems. On the other hand, I got to watch daytime TV!

1. Three observations on daytime commercials: First, I'm impressed by the job training opportunities available to my temporarily home-dwelling brothers and sisters. Second, people who watch daytime TV seem to be very accident prone. Finally, I'm glad there's enough legal representation for them.

I don't know if this is Jacoby or Meyers; either way, he'll "fight for you."

2. To set things right, Montel Williams will kick anybody's a**: disobedient teenagers, wife-abusers, train collectors, anybody! And, man, does he ever want to help! Montel tries his best for the forty minutes he's allowed to intimidate and bully his guests, but often wishes that the show could go longer so that he can offer even more assistance. We all know, however, that once a show is over, hosts are forbidden by law to talk to their guests.

You better be good. You better not pout...because Montel Williams will kick your a**

Follow up:

3. Temptation, on Fox, is the USFL of quiz shows. With brain-melters like "Finish: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's..., it must be a big self-esteem booster, "They made the contestants name three of the characters on Friends, and I only missed by one."

The USFL: Where men were men, and they could dance after a touchdown.

4. It's no wonder that my wife is mad at me when I get home:

"Honey, wouldn't we get more light if we put the lamp over there?"

"Oh, so now I'm dumb. That's mental abuse you know. Oprah said."

The parade of abusers** on daytime talk would turn June Cleaver into Lorena Bobbitt.

Lorena Bobbitt

**I know there are real victims and I'm not making fun of them.