Funnimetric

The federal grand jury in charge of the investigation into Michael Vick's alleged dog-fighting farm in Hampton, Virginia insists it has uncovered a vast network of secret dog-fighting arenas, many of which cater to the rich and famous and that Michael Vick has agreed to assist the authorities crack the ring in exchange for immunity from prosecution.

Sources close to the case claim that Vick has in his possession a book with the names and betting habits of his clients. Federal prosecutors are neither confirming or denying the existence of the book, but Asymmetric has acquired a few pages.

More names will be forthcoming in an Asymmetric cable special but we can say now that the book lists such celebrities as: Barbara Streisand, Ed Begley Jr., Angelina Jolie, and Paris Hilton, whose Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, went 7 and 1 in the lightweight division before being sidelined with a paw injury.

Ron Paul, angry at the speculation that he may be on the list of dog-fighting participants, furiously denounced the inquiry itself, saying that the government has no right to tell people what to do with their dogs.

Pamela Anderson was questioned by police shortly after Vick's bargain with the DA and spoke briefly to reporters as she left the courthouse. Responding to a question, she said, "Just because I have 14 Pit Bulls in an underground garage doesn't mean that I'm involved in this disgusting sport. And Hacksaw's injury? He just tripped and fell into the path of a John Deere.

Paris, filmed here leaving Vick's farm with winner, Tinkerbell, allegedly became addicted to the sport while serving time in jail.