Funnimetric

Dear Sc-fi apologist,

On the Fox News website, Khan Noonien Singh is listed as one of the "top ten kick-ass aliens." Can that be correct?

Sincerely,

Out-foxed

Dear Out-foxed,

You did well by contacting me. Unfortunately, the national level of sci-fi knowledge continues to languish behind developed countries like Canada, where their experience with Stargate has really lifted the country's sci-fi literacy.

Let me get off my high tauntaun and give you the answer. As you know Singh, or simply "Khan" as he's known, is a genetically altered leader and conqueror during the Eugenics Wars of the 1990s (the 1990s date is an invention of the Star Trek chroniclers to avoid scaring a 1967 general population already fearful of the Soviet Union). If you remember your history, the Eugenics Wars were a completely interhuman affair; no aliens took part in any of the fighting. Khan isn't, therefore, an alien, if one defines alien as a being from a planet besides the one you're typing on (I assume).

In the Star Trek reenactments, Mexican actor Ricardo Montalban plays Khan (I must say that the resemblance is striking even if Montalban is a little too short).

Why the error? Either Fox news is making a racial joke at Mexicans' expense or the editor of Fox entertainment is an idiot. Giving Fox the benefit of the doubt, I'll assume the latter.

One more problem with the list, if you want to get technical: The District 9 aliens, commonly called "Prawns" (I'm still waiting on Microsoft for a font that will allow me to spell their name correctly; our alphabet isn't capable of a phonetic spelling) have been on earth for more than twenty years. It only takes seven years to establish South African residency.

-Sci-fi apologist

Colonel Mitchell and Tayla solve an Atlantian crisis on their Dell laptops.

Dear Sci-Fi apologist;

I noticed that Stargate command and its international successor, the IOC, use Dell computers, exclusively. Specifically, I've seen Dell Inspiron 1525s and XPS m1530s. Is there a legitimate reason for this or is the Dell exclusivity a sign of IOC corruption?

Sincerely,

Anti-product placement activist.

Dear APPA;

Because your question isn't as stupid as the inanities that usually flood my inbox like a tribble infestation on a Federation starship manned by careless extras, I decided to take time out from my research to investigate.

At first, I too suspected Dell of bribing certain members of the IOC (The French delegate would hand his own mother to the Goa'uld.), but I've been assured that the regular audits and strict bidding rules put in place after the IOC's Naqahdah for food scandal have prevented such abuse.

I then called in some of favors owed to me at the SGC for my work in wormhole event synchronization and learned that their Dell preference isn't an accident. As any non-USC alumnus knows, many consumer advancements have their origin in military research- GPS and Tang to name just a few. Well, during the early naughts, the SGC sought to harden its computer systems against Goa'uld attack. One of the devised defenses against the Goa'uld hand device was a computer screen which would reflect instead of absorb Hand Device energy. Dell later introduced this breakthrough into the consumer market as "Truelife."*

Osiris uses her hand device.

Now, you're thinking (Some of you do, occasionally.): "What about Atlantis: There are no Goa'uld in the Pegasus galaxy."

Pegasus is populated by Wraith whose weapons aren't based on light photons, but concussive proton (Not strictly, but I understand that not everybody who reads this blog has a doctorate in physics like myself.) particles.

The capable, if over-rated, science officer Rodney McKay anticipates a loss of memory in the video log (episode) "Tabula Rasa."

Dell's dominance in the Pegasus galaxy was the result of a purely financial decision on the part of the OIC. In 2003, Dell outsourced its technical phone support to M7G-677, a planet in the Pegasus galaxy inhabited by whiz-kid children whose accents come closest to the neutral Canadian preferred by Dell and Atlantis customers and whose planet, un-ironically, has very lax labor laws. IOC bean counters calculated a huge savings in toll charges.

Dr. McKay wrote a crack for the shareware program Autom8 that McKay uses to monitor the critical systems in the Ancient city of Atlantis to extend its trial period beyond thirty days.

*This name turns out to be a sort of inside joke. Goa'uld, as you know, are the "true life" behind the human host.

Dear Sci-Fi apologist,

I've been watching the Star Wars marathon on the men's TV station, Spike. What accounts for the poor quality of the holograms in the Star Wars movies?

Sincerely,

Star Wars fan.

Dear Star Wars fan,

First of all, only men under 30 or the perpetually juvenile watch Spike. Mature men watch the History Channel. Now, on to your question: At first, considering the vast distances involved, I thought it was a simple case of transmission interference, but then I noticed that even in local projections such as ones from the Jedi security archives and princess Leia's famous plea for help (below), the holograms were of poor quality.

Notice the lack of color and abundant artifacts.

After a little research, I discovered that long ago, hologram projectors for the entire Republic were outsourced to a small company on the slave planet of Tatooine, Invictatech. Early Invictatech hologram projectors suffered from a firmware bug that greatly degraded quality. Although IT directors across the universe worked hard to resolve the problem, during the events in question, many projectors still weren't patched.

The hologram game on the Millennium Falcon didn't suffer from the problem because Han Solo had decided to go with Macs.

Notice the higher quality.

My friend Nelson asked me to mediate a dispute over the scientific accuracy of I am Legend, a recent probability analysis shown to the general public and sometimes ignorantly referred to as a "sci-fi flick." Needing a break from my experimentation with crystal-based propulsion, I assented.

Before we begin, I'd like to state my disappointment with Nelson for referring to the infected humans as "zombies." As everybody knows, a zombie is an animated corpse, or, an already dead person who, for some as-yet unknown reason, gains the ability to ambulate as well as the capacity to desire. In popular film, that desire is often Cerebrospinal fluid (simplified to "brains," for the unlearned masses who probably only revel in the movies' violence instead of appreciate their poignant cultural commentary- a testament to the genre's multilayered depth).

One may not, then, properly refer to the creatures in I am Legend, they having never been dead, as zombies. They are as human as you or I, but infected with a severe form of rabies. I hope that Nelson doesn't make such a gross mistake again, for I may then have to devote my spare energies to the Huffington Post.

On to the objections:

A Howard K on Asymmetric:

For those of you without a clue, “I am Legend” is sadly manipulative to make up for serious story flaws. 1. After his leg is injured, Neville can only drag himself to his car while the sun sets yet only at the last minute does he have the strength to stand up. This was unnecessary as he could have just gotten up to begin with and the scene still would have been tense. 2. If it was dark enough for the mutant dogs, it was dark enough for the Zombie..but he did not attack. 3. BIGGEST FLAW EVER..if the City was quarantined..bridges and tunnels blown up etc ( as we were shown) ...and NYC is an island..How did ANA and ETHAN drive to VERMONT FROM THE CITY???????? OR even get into the City in the First place.

1. The injury: Who is Howard to say when somebody is able to stand? Is Howard a physician? Does Howard think that every injury or every person's response to injury is the same? Does Howard think at all? Mr. Neville of the movie was probably in shock for the first few minutes after he regained consciousness. Mr. Neville rested for a minute and then, emotionally roused by the sight of his canine companion, Samantha, fighting for its life, moved a little more. Notice I said "little." The difference between crawl and walk is only one development stage apart. Howard speaks as though Mr. Neville went from crawl to run.

2. Even in their rabid state, the infected still possess a level one noesis similar to that of congressional representative Loretta Sanchez. In their rabid state, the infected had every reason to assume that the dogs would be able to handle both Samantha and Robert. The fault lies with the infecteds' minds, not the film-makers'.

3. The last objection is foolish enough to cause a reasonable person to inject themselves with a lyssavirus. As you can see from the picture below, numerous points surrounding Manhattan lend themselves to automotive egress. With the fact of drift-collection points, it's quite feasible for an SUV, which Anna drove in the dramatization, to slowly progress off of the island. Yes, the car is immaculate, but if your vehicle were your only means to a non-rabid human colony, wouldn't you detail it once in a while?

Points 1 and 2 provide excellent opportunity for escape. One would only expect point three to remain impassable in a post-viral world.

Another Asymmetric visitor, Matt, has his heart in the right place, but betrays a profound cognitive handicap in his attempt to defend Legend, further proof that sci-fi apologetics is best left to the experts:

well, remember this...the virus was not successfully quarantined, which means besides the possibility of people sneaking out of the city initially who had the virus, the infected had to have found a way off the island somehow to infect others, so it is possible ana and ethan used this method to getting into and out of the city.

ana even says that people in maryland were killed by dark seekers, so they obviously weren't quarantined

Matt, if you're incapable of reading scientific literature, can you at least pick up a TV Guide every once in a while? It was a virus, not an elephant. The movie explained that dogs can get the virus. Slowly for your benefit: Is it that much of a stretch to imagine that some beast capable of traversing 50 feet of water- like a bird or rat- carried the virus to the mainland.

Some further questions from the obvious non-scientist at Rule of Reason, Edward Kline:

2. If the mutant cannibals are so demonstrably feral and non-rational, and reduced to the perceptual level of rabid dogs, how could they emulate Neville and set the same kind of trap for him? Further, Neville and his dog are attacked by a pack of plague-infected dogs, which are introduced by a cannibal who has them leashed. These actions, which necessitate a working intelligence at least as determined as a sly racoon's, contradict the initial premise that the cannibals are incapable of rational thought. No explanations are given.

According to a journal of medicine I came across in a colleague's lavatory (citation please- I don't have time to look up everything.), second stage infecteds may be capable of simple imitation. Or, it could have been one of Robert's own traps.

If Neville had the foresight to broadcast his existence to the outside world, why wasn't he listening for an answer? No answer. If the Vermont colony of survivors had the means to exist, why didn't it acknowledge his messages? If he is not shown listening for a reply, why would he (and we) assume that he is the last living human being? No explanations are given.

Even Radio Shack-150-in-1 kit radio technology escapes this man. Vermont's hilly countryside reflects shortwave back into the ionosphere. It looks as though the camp was situated in a valley of some sort.

As for the rest of his doubts: I feel as though I would permanently damage my mind were I to willfully slum it to Mr. Kline's level of cinematic exegesis.

Good day.

When my friends at Asymmetric asked me to vet the movie Spiderman for scientific error, I had to laugh at the coincidence as I had previously been asked by producer Avi Arad to consult for the movie. I can’t deny that I was both flattered by Mr. Arad’s offer and tempted by the proposed compensation, which would have funded my research for several months, but, alas, I was working on my lunar-borne stimulated emission beam or “laser,” a device that, when finished, will be summoned terrestrially for use in outdoor PowerPoint slide shows, and I couldn’t afford to focus my attention on what is, essentially, an entertainment.

However, I sometimes combat the pervasive ignorance of things scientific in the general population by wrapping my expertise around the occasional frivolity and agreed, therefore, to evaluate Spiderman 3- provided two prerequisites were met: I needed a to view the movie alone in order to avoid the primitive whooping and hollering of the non-scientists that make up the bulk of the American movie audience and I needed the ability to stop the movie on command to allow for a thorough frame-by frame-analysis. The Asymmetric staff agreed, renting a theater and obtaining a pristine reel. My findings follow:

First, I must deal with a question that’s asked of me at every conference or cocktail party (so often in fact, that my eyes now reflexively roll by the word “pass.”) It has to do with the feasibility of Spiderman having acquired his powers in the first place and the inquiry is often phrased: “can a spider pass on its special abilities to a normal human?” The short answer is “yes.” The longer answer is “yes, but only under perfect conditions and probably not as one would imagine.” Let me explain. If you’ve taken any biology past the seventh grade, you’re familiar with the term “chromosome adhesion” or, as the non-serious call it, “sticky DNA.” CH occurs when irradiated chromosomes disassemble within the host body and blend with the host’s genetic material. So, yes: A spider’s muscle density or sensory acuity (Spidey Sense is not precognition. It merely allows a Spider-Human blend [“Spider man,” if you must] to use its heightened senses to predict likely events. For example, a baseball thrown from behind a Spider-man would make a noise, effect the air around itself, which, in turn, would cause a bird’s wings to flutter, and so forth. A spider is able to “sense” these triggers before a human, although a human would eventually do so as well) may certainly be amongst those traits, but it’s much more likely that a blend would result in a mix of what society would deem positive traits (jumping, sensory acuity, etc.) and negative traits such as hirsuteness and poor table manners. Spider-man is, therefore, a best-case DH scenario.

And one need only to study other documented DH occurrences to see the unlikelihood of a Spider-man as presented to us by graphic prose genius and DH idealist Stan Lee. In 1968, a Joe Snuffy was conducting experiments at his lab (alone, as it happens) when he was bitten by a radioactive potato bug. He did, in fact acquire the ability to fly, but this ability was of little use when he decided to commence his crime-fighting career, as he could only fly in a straight line and for short distances. In fact, Snuffy would often fly into glass windows, an occurrence of which left him incapacitated and garden-ridden. He spent the rest of his days alone, penniless, and subsisting on the occasional sugar water given to him by strangers.

Has anybody ever heard of Dung Beatle man, Rolly Polly man, or the Daddy Long Legs Man? No, of course not, yet they’re all past examples of CH. America, it seems, loves a winner.

Another part of the movie sure to spark debate centers on the Flint Marko incident (Sandman). Many will wonder, for example, how a person is able to see with eyes made of sand. I must admit to having gone into my library for this one, but my diligence eventually rewarded me with some plausible explanations. Of the two initial possibilities here, one can be dismissed right away. A colleague of mine suggested that Sandman suffered from phantom-sense syndrome or the condition whereby a person’s mind still believes it possesses a lost stimuli receptor. The sufferer essentially imagines the sense based on past experience. I discounted this theory immediately as it was evident from the movie that the Sandman could react to non-referenced visual stimuli.

That left me the possibility that he Sandman’s particle reassembly allowed him to manipulate the sand’s properties in such a way as to approximate neural processes. This theory is still in its hypothesis stage pending the unfreezing of Stan Lee’s brain.

What about the locket? Why did everything in the particle disassembly chamber disintegrate except for the man’s locket containing a picture of his daughter? It’s tempting to dismiss this as a Hollywood story device, but according to several particle disassembly textbooks, certain metal alloys may indeed resist the particle disassembly (PD) process. It seems that if spaced correctly, the atomic structure of an alloy may deflect the electrons emitted from the PD process, allowing it to retain its atomic structure. Some research on my part discovered that locket s manufactured in 1962, the year of Marko’s “accident,” were typically a silver-copper alloy. Sure enough, upon stopping the film and examining the frame, I noticed the characteristic blood red color of Silver dichromate, to which, of course, silver sulfate is converted after exposure to potassium dichromate, trace amounts of which may have been present in the sand pit. Silver-copper alloys are notorious PD resistors and a PD pit would normally be cleared of any such compounds prior to experimentation.

I was able to find my way to the exits after the theater burst into flame, but my research had to end, pending the investigation and the securing of another reel. Digital may be safer for my purposes, actually.

I won’t leave without commenting on one non-scientific point with which the makers of Spiderman lose some credibility and, frankly, may even represent a libel upon my profession. I know of no scientist (certainly not one in PD) who would ever conduct a PD experiment in an open field without at least 13 feet of vertical fencing and three armed guards (two is the minimum, but scientists gladly accept the costs accompanying the added redundancy if it lessens the chance of an accidental PD). The movie showed the lead scientist, as attractive as she was (as are most) to be, therefore, incompetent, an unlikely characteristic of a PD engineer.

Nobody likes to remember Ladybug Man!

I guess Dung Beetle man didn't fit Americans' preconceptions of a superhero.

Dear Sci-Fi apologist,

Why does every population in Stargate speak English, but beings need translator microbes in Farscape?

Curious and confused at USC

Well, C and C, apparently linguistics is another casualty of education budget cuts. Basically, the Goa'uld took people from Earth to populate their planets with the slave labor necessary to mine Naqahdah, the basic power source for the Goa'uld. According to leading linguistic experts (I must defer to them for although I am familiar with the subject, I consider myself primarily a physicist), a population isolated from any other human group will eventually develop a language similar to English and speak it with a Canadian accent.

Aha! you say. In the original movie, they did not speak English. Well, Ra, the Goa'uld ruler of Abydos, was a particularly tyrannical ruler and you may remember from the docudrama, Stargate, that he prohibited all forms of writing and reading, thus stunting the humans’ linguistic growth. After the great defeat of Ra in 1992 (Stargate, for all of its purported accuracy, contains many historical errors of which the exact date is one; the movie is set in 1993. I've contacted the DVD distributors to include a clarification in the DVD version.), linguistic development developed at an accelerated rate, pushed along even further by renowned yet misunderstood archaeologist Daniel Jackson’s genius. By the time of Stargate SG-1, the Abydosians closed the gap between them and the rest of the galaxy.

Ancients, though not actually human, speak English because of their highly evolved minds. For Ancients, picking up a language is as easy as learning a particular dance is for humans.

Thanks,

Sci-Fi apologist.

Although James Spader was closer to the original Daniel Jackson in appearance, he couldn't fully represent his physical prowess; a suitable replacement was found in Michael Shanks.

Mr. Black asked:

What about Lightsabers?

Mr. Black,

I usually cover lightsabers in my remedial sci-fi class, and, as such, will not cover the subject in-depth here at Asymmetric, however, I have decided to take a few minutes to clear up some common misconceptions. For those unfamiliar with the basic concept of energy-focused weaponry, a barebones if pedestrian summary of my lecture on lightsabers and other retro-future-tech armaments can be found here. If the linked article is too difficult, I suggest you write your congressman and get a refund for whatever taxes your parents contributed to your local school system.

By far the most misunderstood concept concerning lightsaber technology is negative light photon bending or NLPB. The inquiry usually comes in the form of a Cretinish "why would a lightsaber cast a shadow?" of which, damn my over-tolerance for allowing civilians, I happened to overhear a variation of during my Wednesday night screening of the documentary chronicling the events leading to the defeat of Lord Vader known to the public as Episode 6-The Return of the Jedi. in the form of an utterly boorish, "look at the shadows! Lucas messed up" during the fight scene between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader (Annakin Skywalker), prompting a restart of the movie and thusly postponing my post-viewing meditation ritual.

Dejected, I scoured the internet to guage the state of NLPB knowledge. The following exchange, sadly, was typical:

When Luke and Vader are fighting on the stairs, you can see a shadow of a lightsaber. Since lightsabers are supposed to give off light, they shouldn't have a shadow shaped like it.

Comments:
Drakkenfyre writes:
Do this, take a lighter into a dark room, stand next to a wall, strike the lighter, then take a flashlight, and point it at the flame, guess what?, the flame has a shadow, besides, no one is 100% sure what a Lightsaber blade is, they are beyond our current technology, and will be for a long, long time, if ever.


WeX Majors writes:
I hate to inform you all, but it's a completely legit for the sabres to do this. read: http://www.synicon.com.au/sw/ls/sabres.htm and he'll tell you all you need to know
quick summary for the lazier readers: Lightsabres are not JUST LIGHT. It's unknown exactly what they are but whatever they are, they would be solid(light and lasers pass through each other. sabres don't) and since they're solid, they would cast a shadow.

jedipimp writes:
Have you not had a physics class or anything? Just because something is emitting light, does not mean that the source of the emission couldn't produce a shadow; all it takes is a light source form somewhere else.

driftrider writes:
A lightsabers blade is a high energy particle beam. The charged particles generated by the power cell are focused by the emitter crystal(s). These particles emit light because of their high energy state. The reason there is a shadow in the movie is because the lightsaber props wielded by the actors had a clear plastic rod sticking out of them in place of the "blade". This rod was used both to prevent the actors from overswinging their lightsabers, and to give the special effects guys a reference when they hand drew the lightsaber effects. (No computer generated graphics back then).

RonJLow writes:
Something that glows brighter than anything around it CAN cast a shadow.

Try it with a glow-stick like they sell at concerts. The glow stick can be the brightest thing in a dim room, but a beam of light shining in from some distance will be interupted by the stick.

JAX writes:
Even in TPM they used a plastic blade.

NateChu writes:
The point we are trying to make is that light, such as a flashlight beam, doesn't stop if it hits lamp light.
Lamps give off light and they can touch each other, right?
Lightsabers give off light so they can still touch each other. Yes, but can the light they give off touch other light? NO

MIQUEAS writes:
I know how they made the lightsabers lokk like that in the movie. What I was saying is that it just seems that they should have taken care of the shadows. I think it was a poor job that they did not edit them out.

MIQUEAS writes:
Lamps give off light but they can touch each other can't they?
Flashlights give off light but they can touch each other can't they?
Light bulbs give off light and they can still touch each other can't they?

MIQUEAS writes:
The energy in a lightsaber is created through a power pack and focused into the saber with focusing crystals. These make the lightsabers' blade a solid energy blade. The energy gives off light. So, even though a lightsaber is solid, the light it gives off should not cast a shadow the shape of the lightsaber.

jediboy writes:
to make the movie, they made it a real stick the they added computer graphics to make it shine

Matt writes:
But if Lightsabers give off light, then how can they touch each other?

And on it went. Any mention of NLPB? Not these guys. They prattle on about lamps and flashlights like three teenagers at a Turner's Outdoorsman. Light responds to gravitational, heat, and magnetic forces by bending. The intensely focused combination of these three forces emmitted from a light saber alone would be able to influence the behavior of the surrounding light to produce such an effect. Add to it the blindingly fast and forcefully concentrated acrobatics of a Sith Lord and Jedi Master(de facto) in combat and the stale, industrial atmosphere of a Death Star reactor hold and NLPB is inevitable. It is true that certain races possessing a slit-pupiled eye such as the Abyssin can minimize the NLPB effect. But you don't have one, do you?

Before I go, it has come to my attention that many Asymmetric readers, fascinated by such weapons, have taken to purchasing grey-market parts and constructing a lightsaber on their own. The rogue site is here. Below is an example of their product:

Needless to say such practices are not recommended by Asymmetric as they are both physically and spiritually dangerous. Orthodox Jedi consider handling a saber without the proper initiation blasphemy. And so do I.

Please email me with your sci-fi questions.