Funnimetric

My friend Nelson asked me to mediate a dispute over the scientific accuracy of I am Legend, a recent probability analysis shown to the general public and sometimes ignorantly referred to as a "sci-fi flick." Needing a break from my experimentation with crystal-based propulsion, I assented.

Before we begin, I'd like to state my disappointment with Nelson for referring to the infected humans as "zombies." As everybody knows, a zombie is an animated corpse, or, an already dead person who, for some as-yet unknown reason, gains the ability to ambulate as well as the capacity to desire. In popular film, that desire is often Cerebrospinal fluid (simplified to "brains," for the unlearned masses who probably only revel in the movies' violence instead of appreciate their poignant cultural commentary- a testament to the genre's multilayered depth).

One may not, then, properly refer to the creatures in I am Legend, they having never been dead, as zombies. They are as human as you or I, but infected with a severe form of rabies. I hope that Nelson doesn't make such a gross mistake again, for I may then have to devote my spare energies to the Huffington Post.

On to the objections:

A Howard K on Asymmetric:

For those of you without a clue, “I am Legend” is sadly manipulative to make up for serious story flaws. 1. After his leg is injured, Neville can only drag himself to his car while the sun sets yet only at the last minute does he have the strength to stand up. This was unnecessary as he could have just gotten up to begin with and the scene still would have been tense. 2. If it was dark enough for the mutant dogs, it was dark enough for the Zombie..but he did not attack. 3. BIGGEST FLAW EVER..if the City was quarantined..bridges and tunnels blown up etc ( as we were shown) ...and NYC is an island..How did ANA and ETHAN drive to VERMONT FROM THE CITY???????? OR even get into the City in the First place.

1. The injury: Who is Howard to say when somebody is able to stand? Is Howard a physician? Does Howard think that every injury or every person's response to injury is the same? Does Howard think at all? Mr. Neville of the movie was probably in shock for the first few minutes after he regained consciousness. Mr. Neville rested for a minute and then, emotionally roused by the sight of his canine companion, Samantha, fighting for its life, moved a little more. Notice I said "little." The difference between crawl and walk is only one development stage apart. Howard speaks as though Mr. Neville went from crawl to run.

2. Even in their rabid state, the infected still possess a level one noesis similar to that of congressional representative Loretta Sanchez. In their rabid state, the infected had every reason to assume that the dogs would be able to handle both Samantha and Robert. The fault lies with the infecteds' minds, not the film-makers'.

3. The last objection is foolish enough to cause a reasonable person to inject themselves with a lyssavirus. As you can see from the picture below, numerous points surrounding Manhattan lend themselves to automotive egress. With the fact of drift-collection points, it's quite feasible for an SUV, which Anna drove in the dramatization, to slowly progress off of the island. Yes, the car is immaculate, but if your vehicle were your only means to a non-rabid human colony, wouldn't you detail it once in a while?

Points 1 and 2 provide excellent opportunity for escape. One would only expect point three to remain impassable in a post-viral world.

Another Asymmetric visitor, Matt, has his heart in the right place, but betrays a profound cognitive handicap in his attempt to defend Legend, further proof that sci-fi apologetics is best left to the experts:

well, remember this...the virus was not successfully quarantined, which means besides the possibility of people sneaking out of the city initially who had the virus, the infected had to have found a way off the island somehow to infect others, so it is possible ana and ethan used this method to getting into and out of the city.

ana even says that people in maryland were killed by dark seekers, so they obviously weren't quarantined

Matt, if you're incapable of reading scientific literature, can you at least pick up a TV Guide every once in a while? It was a virus, not an elephant. The movie explained that dogs can get the virus. Slowly for your benefit: Is it that much of a stretch to imagine that some beast capable of traversing 50 feet of water- like a bird or rat- carried the virus to the mainland.

Some further questions from the obvious non-scientist at Rule of Reason, Edward Kline:

2. If the mutant cannibals are so demonstrably feral and non-rational, and reduced to the perceptual level of rabid dogs, how could they emulate Neville and set the same kind of trap for him? Further, Neville and his dog are attacked by a pack of plague-infected dogs, which are introduced by a cannibal who has them leashed. These actions, which necessitate a working intelligence at least as determined as a sly racoon's, contradict the initial premise that the cannibals are incapable of rational thought. No explanations are given.

According to a journal of medicine I came across in a colleague's lavatory (citation please- I don't have time to look up everything.), second stage infecteds may be capable of simple imitation. Or, it could have been one of Robert's own traps.

If Neville had the foresight to broadcast his existence to the outside world, why wasn't he listening for an answer? No answer. If the Vermont colony of survivors had the means to exist, why didn't it acknowledge his messages? If he is not shown listening for a reply, why would he (and we) assume that he is the last living human being? No explanations are given.

Even Radio Shack-150-in-1 kit radio technology escapes this man. Vermont's hilly countryside reflects shortwave back into the ionosphere. It looks as though the camp was situated in a valley of some sort.

As for the rest of his doubts: I feel as though I would permanently damage my mind were I to willfully slum it to Mr. Kline's level of cinematic exegesis.

Good day.