Funnimetric

LGZV (Lich, Ghoul, Zombie, Vampire) community leaders praised Obama's mention of the corpsed community. unSpokesman Keith Richards said that the acknowledgment was long past due, "some people don't even know we're alive...err...that we're here."

Richards also welcomed the decision to let the undead serve openly in the military, "The undead are amongst the best soldiers in the military today. Some of us won't stop attacking until our heads are blown off. We're essential in night ops. Vampires make great medics, under proper supervision. Werewolves only need a little special accommodation, and just one day a month." Richards went on to say that the next step is to modernize the chaplain corps, "We'd need some sound-proofed rooms. The howling gets a little intense at times."

Danny Glover is a man who loves Haitians and wants to help them in this crisis.

However, Mr. Glover, by focusing on irrelevant issues, you do Haitians no good in this time of crisis. Faults in the ground cause earthquakes. Temperatures, which haven't increased anyways, don't have a whole heck of a lot to do with it. Even if weather did affect the earth's crust significantly, Caribbean hurricane activity is at a 30-year low.

I do agree with you, Mr. Glover, that what happened at Copenhagen summit did affect Haiti. Instead of wasting their time and money in Copenhagen flying around in jets, eating expensive meals, panting carbon dioxide with local hookers, delegates maybe could have fortified the Port au Prince hospital.

Perhaps if we don't waste trillions of dollars subsidizing stuff that won't work, maybe we can earthquake-proof some Haitian buildings. Here's an idea: What if don't hobble business with taxation so they can invest in Haiti: Haiti credits, anyone?

Oil industries scrambled to respond to the opening video from the Copenhagen conference (above) after being inundated with letters from distressed children begging the corporations to stop making stuff.

"We consider this a read threat," said Edison chairman, Peter Ludwig, as he looked down upon a throng of children, some covered in fake blood, others chained to power generators, while still others gathered their talking Barbies and PSPs and burned them in a huge pile. "I mean, when three-year-olds are going on hunger strikes, you can't just sit still."

Mr. Ludwig has released a video of his own, questioning the practicality of alternative energies, that he hopes will produce a business-friendly counter-hysteria:

Doesn't say much for their cropping skills.

The White House sees nothing funny about the security breach that allowed Joe Biden to enter Barack Obama's first official state dinner for Indian Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh.

The Secret Service held a press conference today:

"We're as shocked as anybody. We told the Vice-President that it was important that he go to his underground bunker and find waste and fraud in the stimulus spending. The 'solve the Iraqi crisis' bit was getting old. Anyways, we will be conducting a full investigation."

The Secret Service insisted that President was in no danger, as Joe Biden was on one of his "mellow highs."

More emails from the violated CRU (Climate Research Unit) server have been released by Russian hackers. The details on this are still sketchy, we’ll probably never know what went on. But it appears that University of East Anglia-based CRU scientists may have sunk to depths even the greatest climate skeptics never imagined.

From: Phil Jones
To: mann@vxxxxx.xxx
Subject: WTF! WoW!
Date: Thu Jan 29 14:17:01 2008

Mike,

This whole situation is absurd! I'm a Resto and Balance Druid who's
cleared 4/5 ToGC 25 and 5/5 ToGC 10 with Insanity, Ulduar 10 all hard modes no algalon, and Ulduar 25 only Heartbreaker. Yet, nobody's picked me up for their guild!

P.S. Al called; wants more polar bear pics.

Cheers
Phil

Prof. Phil Jones
Climatic Research Unit Telephone +44 (0) xxxxx
School of Environmental Sciences Fax +44 (0) xxxx
University of East Anglia
Norwich Email p.jones@xxx.xxx
NR4 7TJ
UK
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: Mike Mann
To: phil@vxxxxx.xxx
Subject: RE: WTF! WoW!
Date: Thu Jan 29 15:17:01 2008

Dude,

That sucks. I don't want to be rude, but I think people may have heard about that time you got pwned by that 14th-level Tauren Death Knight. Why don't you just erase that part of your character record? I showed you how to do that using the "character-tracker" trick.

-Mike

P.S. Had Wanda (rrrrrr) photoshop a polar bear pic. Get this: The beast is standing on four different blocks of ice, one per foot!

Prof. Mike Mann
Climatic Research Unit Telephone +44 (0) xxxxx
School of Environmental Sciences Fax +44 (0) xxxx
University of East Anglia
Norwich Email mann@xxx.xxx
NR4 7TJ
UK

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: Phil Jones
To: mann@vxxxxx.xxx
Subject: RE: RE: WTF! WoW!
Date: Thu Jan 29 16:17:01 2008

ROFL! Four pieces of ice! Mike, what's going on with Wanda? If I didn't "work" on the other side of the building, I'd be warming her oceans and polluting her climate, if you know what I mean. Heard she's a real 'berg.

-Phil

Prof. Phil Jones
Climatic Research Unit Telephone +44 (0)xxxxxx
School of Environmental Sciences Fax +44 (0) xxxxxx
University of East Anglia
Norwich Email p.jones@xxx.xx.xx
NR4 7TJ
UK

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: Mike Mann
To: phil@vxxxxx.xxx
Subject: RE: RE: RE: WTF! WoW!
Date: Thu Jan 29 17:17:01 2008

Phil,

He he. Yeah, I'm just waiting for the right moment to pounce and then I'll do to her what Ed Begley Jr. did to that Big Mac I snuck into the Greanpeace conference.

-Mike

Prof. Mike Mann
Climatic Research Unit Telephone +44 (0) xxxxx
School of Environmental Sciences Fax +44 (0) xxxx
University of East Anglia
Norwich Email mann@xxx.xxx
NR4 7TJ
UK

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: Phil Jones
To: mann@vxxxxx.xxx
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: WTF! WoW!
Date: Thu Jan 29 18:17:01 2008

-Phil

Prof. Phil Jones
Climatic Research Unit Telephone +44 (0)xxxxxx
School of Environmental Sciences Fax +44 (0) xxxxxx
University of East Anglia
Norwich Email p.jones@xxx.xx.xx
NR4 7TJ
UK

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From: Mike Mann
To: phil@vxxxxx.xxx
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: WTF! WoW!
Date: Thu Jan 29 19:17:01 2008

Homie, you don't know me. I arranged for a copy of my resume, credit report, AND physical to accidentally be left on her desk. I "manipulated the data" just a little bit. Let's just say that she might find me more attractive when she finds out I had strait Alphas at Oxford, have 1000*1000 pounds in the bank, and am hung like a polar bear.

-Mike

P.S.

I'm about to level up. Just use the temperature data from 1999 for the report. AP'll believe anything.

Prof. Mike Mann
Climatic Research Unit Telephone +44 (0) xxxxx
School of Environmental Sciences Fax +44 (0) xxxx
University of East Anglia
Norwich Email mann@xxx.xxx
NR4 7TJ
UK

The Organization of Humanity into World of Warcraft (OH-WOW) has called for the scientists' resignation. Wanda is unaware of the controversy.

Why the system that has created the most prosperous, free, charitable, sacrificing nation in the history of the earth, sucks.