Funnimetric

Making History.

Democrats have opened up a huge "history gap" with the Republicans, lately rubbing their history-making noses in Republican's static faces. Democrats chose the theme "making history" for their California convention and may do the same for Denver. The candidates themselves have mentioned their historicity in debates.

By "history," they don't mean their economic policies as they first made history in Bismarkian Germany in the late 19th century, then in Italy a few years later, and the United States in 1930, 1933, 1964, and 1976. Nor is their foreign policy novel, having been implemented in 382 in Rome, 1937 in Great Britain and Vietnam in 1975. What they're talking about is Obama's half blackness and Clinton's complete womanhood (You know that race and sex don't matter unless it does [is of benefit], don't you?). Although McCain was born in Panama, the idea of having the first Latin-American president hasn't so far electrified the electorate- ask Bill Richardson. To counter Barack's melanin and Hillary's hormonal advantage, McCain needs to make a strategic Vice-President choice. Some possibilites:

1. If Obama chooses a white running mate, his ticket would be 1/4 black. McCain can counter with somebody like Wesley Snipes, trumping him with a 1/2 black ticket.

2. Obama can go with Jonathan Edwards in which case it would still be a 1/4 black choice, but also 1/4 female and a fully 1/2 oppressed (Edwards had to fight in school.). McCain can choose Sarah Palin who wouldn't have as nice hair as Edwards, but would make a ticket that's 1/2 female and 1/2 hottie.

Palin is the good-looking one with glasses.

3. The biggest danger for McCain would be for Obama to choose supporter Oprah Winfrey in which case the democratic ticket would be 3/4 black and 3/4 woman (1.5 for Oprah + 0 for Obama/ 2).

4. If Hispanics suddenly become the cool minority, a running mate like Ileana Ros-Lehtinen can make for a 1/2 female and 1/2 Hispanic ticket. Perez Hilton would add some Cuban-Gay mojo (1/2 Hispanic, 1/2 gay, 1/2 blond). A black Hispanic female would be good too (1/2, 1/2, 1/2), but could lead to confusion (Am I making history for Hispanics, Blacks, or women?).

Lola Falana: Multi-racial, Multi-talented.

5. McCain can add a little mystery with somebody of omniracial background like "The Rock" or Vin Diesel.

You can see the crowd reaction is similar to one at an Obama rally.

6. I've heard Bobby Jindal for the McCain veep slot, but competent though he is, Indians just aren't on the map at this point: Indians don't have an underclass; their music is nice, but their dancing is very inaccessible, requiring elaborate costumes and a cast of hundreds. Maybe if Jindal was an untouchable.

7. For religious diversity, McCain can go with Lieberman. Romney would also be from a minority religion, but he's like two white men which would result in an unacceptable 3 white men and 1/2 Mormon. Better would be one of Sammy Davis' children (Sammy Davis was part Cuban, to boot!). For McCain, that would mean 1/4 black and 1/2 Jewish. If Davis' kids are Democrats, that would mean a full half and half for Obama.

Which brings us to the smartest move, covering all of the bases: Rae Dawn Chong! McCain'd have 1/8 of everything except for the sexual diversity (I don't want to start any rumors.). Being in Hollywood, she might be a Spiritualist which would peel away thousands of Obama supporters.

Believe!