Funnimetric

President elect Barack Obama today unveiled plans for a massive bailout of Blockbuster Entertainment by buying up to a trillion dollars of late fees, an amount equivalent to 8% of the United States' GDP.

Obama:

People are struggling right now; they want to send their kids to college or buy a home, but the weight of these fees are holding them back.

In order to help at-risk movie renters, many of whom are low-income people and minorities who fell victim to predatory movie lending practices, I've directed the incoming Treasury secretary to spend 1 trillion dollars for the purpose of lowering or, in some cases, eliminating these late fees, but really: To give people a chance at the American Dream.

In testimony on Capitol Hill today, some of those victims expressed their outrage at whom they called "greedy DVD pimps":

"It wasn't my fault, really. The guy at the counter kept telling me to watch the second season of Rome. I can't deny that it's a good series, but there was no way that I was going to finish both seasons in the two days. The guy should have known that."

Rome - The Complete First Two Seasons

Others criticized Blockbuster employees for their lack of articulation: "I thought he said 'Thursday.' It was due on Tuesday!"

Weeping, one Cincinnati, Ohio woman vividly described Blockbuster's "strong arm tactics," claiming that a Blockbuster recovery agent poisoned her dogs for scratching disc three of the second season of Sex and the City.

Sex and the City - The Complete Series (Collector's Giftset)