Matatouille - Thought, Opinion, Nonsense, Etc.

I heard this viewpoint on a radio show a while back, and like sometimes happens, it stuck with me. And no, this will not be a rant against the liberal media.

This guy was explaining how the kinds of people who used to go into journalism as a career back in the day are not the kinds of people who go into into it now.

See, in the old days, think pre-TV, an awful lot of journalists were muckraker types. They had an axe to grind. Maybe they were bullied a lot as kids or whatever, and they wanted to get back at the world. These were people with something to prove, people with chips on their shoulders. Get the point? Anti-social types. And that made for great investigative reporting.

And now? It almost makes me laugh. Who goes into the "News Media" now? The term itself suggests the answer. People who want to be on TV. The elitists. These are people who went to Ivy League schools and decided to go into the media so they could be on TV instead of going to law school or becoming doctors or going into politics.

So, naturally, these people are entranced with celebrity. As has been pointed out ad nauseum if you're paying attention, these are folks who go to cocktail parties with the people they're reporting on. So, naturally they follow the herd. That's how they got to where they are in the first place. Do they want to rock the boat? Sure, if by rocking the boat you mean doing stories on how messed up Britney is or how another politician got caught with his zipper undone, or which restaurants have the most rats. You know, the kinds of stories that people watch that change absolutely nothing. Or if it means going after the right wing, sure. To them, those are the bad guys.

It's just so ironic. The type of people we really need to be in the media are the absolute opposite of who's attracted to it and who runs it now. Sigh...

And so where do these sourpusses go now; these muckrakers; those bozos with chips on their shoulders? Bloggers mostly. Can you tell? (He smirks, already knowing the answer) Yeah, it's true. I have a chip on my shoulder the size of Cleveland. (Cleveland's big, right?) Someone, please help me get this damn thing down. Or maybe not. That bile actually makes for some interesting posts. Not that I could get them in the paper. lol. Sigh....

But you know what? Nature does actually abhor a vacuum, just like the cliche says. These people (myself included) had to go somewhere and nature (well, natural computer geeks anyway) has supplied the internet.

It's almost as if God himself created the internet just for clowns like me.

You think?

Matt Lipeles

I wrote a posting complaining about my name the other day. But almost immediately, it occurred to me that perhaps I was being a tad disrespectful to my parents.

I'm a believer, so dissing the folks doesn't seem like such a great idea to me.

But the name thing made me think about the whole subject of respecting one's parents. Since psychology has become so popular and religion less so, blaming your parents for your problems seems to have become just short of an Olympic sport these days.

A lot of biblical/religious concepts are really paradoxical, so it's easy to see how they can be misunderstood. (That happens when you don't actually want to understand. Take a look at politics. Happens all the time.)

There are people out there who grew up with, let's say, less than dedicated parents. Let's say you're one of them. Let's say your father was in prison and your mother was... disinterested.

Well, they still gave you life. That's really the crux of the whole thing. No matter how bad your parents were, they brought you into this world (with a nice assist from above). So even if they were awful, you wouldn't be here if it weren't for them.

Now, let's say you are more like most other people. You had good parents, but like everyone else living, they had flaws. They tried to raise you right, got you decent clothes, books, birthday and holiday presents; they drove you to soccer or whatever, fixed your teeth, maybe even payed for college. When you were bad, or got bad grades, they punished you. And since they were imperfect, since you've been to therapy a few times, they made a mistake or two that you have to deal with. You have trouble with relationships, or you have trouble making money, or whatever, and you think you can logically link it back to something they said or did.

Look, if this sounds anything like your situation, you have awesome parents. Really. I know what bad parenting is like. I'm a teacher. I have kids who stay out all night or fail all their classes and their parents don't say anything. That's bad parenting.

I had a student who used to skip my class half the time, and never did her work. One day, I took up a note she wrote about having sex with a guy. I called her parents. They said it was her decision. She was 14. But then when I threw her out of class for making a cell phone call in class, her father got very upset. That's bad parenting.

But even in a case like that, you can still honor your parents. Honoring your parents does not mean you have to be like them. It does not mean you take all their advice. It just means you try to be nice to them, that you're not rude to them, that you try to make them proud, that you help them if they need help.

It's somewhat paradoxical, I know, when you don't actually want to be like your parents, or your parents are messed up, to try to honor them. It can be difficult sometimes. But most of the time, it's not that hard.

And if it really is true that your parents screwed you up somehow, join the club. It's hard to be a parent, and easy to screw up your kids in some way you're not even aware of, specially in regards to relationships. But that doesn't mean they're bad parents. That just means they're human beings. Would you prefer to be raised by wolves? Trust me, you're better off with who you've got.

I'm going to New York for a month, starting this Sunday. A few weeks ago a friend was explaining why I hadn't put away enough money for this trip.

I was all like, "Nah, I'll be fine, because sublet-airfare mumbo jumbo blah, blah, blah..."

And she was all like, "But there's all this other stuff."

And I was all like, "Well, I'll be fine."

And then, I actually looked at my bank account. Which is when I decided to work another couple of weeks to make extra money for the trip. (Great thing about teaching: you can do that. It may not be the best paying of professions, but when you need a short term cash boost, there are always lots of opportunities.)

Since then of course, I've thought about what I actually may be doing in NY, and I'm mighty glad I wised up and made some extra dough.

Because (and I realized this yesterday) New York is just replete with things you might want to do that cost money, but you can't do any place else: go to world-class museums, Broadway shows, go to Central Park. Ok, that last one is free, but you get the idea. (btw, did you notice my use of the word replete? Impressive, huh? Obviously those SAT prep classes are still paying off 20 years later.)

In any case, yeah, NY will be more expensive. I'll let you know how it goes once I get there. For sure, I'll be blogging. I'll keep you posted. For any New York readers out there, feel free to suggest cool NY things or really good kosher restaurants.

by Matt Lipeles

Or maybe it would be enough if I was one of those people who were fine with ditching their name. Unfortunately, I'm neither.

Matt Lipeles. sigh... Matt is fine. In fact, it's downright good. No complaints there. Which is darn lucky, considering my parents named my older brother Stewart, and gave me the middle name of Ira. Is an explanation even necessary to explain the problems of being a Stu or an Ira? Looks like I dodged a bullet on that one.

The problem is the last name. If you see it, you can't pronounce it, 85.2% of the time. (I've been keeping track as you can see.) Lip-less, Lipe-lees, I've heard it all.

And of course, if you hear it, you have no idea how to pronounce it. Oh well. It's not so bad.

But wouldn't it be great if I had one of those really cool sounding names? How about Roland Strong? Or Bo Duke? Or Jimmy Page? Man, I wish I had a cool sounding name. Oh well, I guess I'll survive. It hasn't killed me yet.

Matt Lipeles

Last time I wrote about this, someone left a comment, something about the "burned out teacher". It might have been something else, but it was that sort of tone.

Any teacher out there will be able to relate to this. But if you're not one, this might be interesting anyway, just to peer behind the veil of another point of view.

There are certain lines of work that most people think they know something about, but they really don't. Fashion, entertainment, comedy, cooking, how to treat the common cold. They're all like that. Let's take the first. Look, it might be that I used to think I knew something about fashion. But then I saw and read, "The Devil Wears Prada," and I can tell you for sure, without a shadow of a doubt that I know only enough about fashion to know I know nothing whatsoever about it.

I'm sure the same is true about real cooking, I mean gourmet. And the rest of the list is the same. But it's not a problem to a chef that his customers know nothing about gourmet cooking but think they do. It's a hell of a big problem for education though, because all the people making decisions in education are people who think they know something about it. But they don't.

Trust me, if you are not a teacher in America's schools today, you have no clue as to what is wrong. I can tell you exactly what's wrong. Not that I'm arrogant.

But I am a public high school teacher. I've been teaching 9th grade English for the last 6 years. Every year, the majority of my incoming freshmen have tested between 2nd and 4th grade in reading and writing skills. Shocking, isn't it? It still is to me. Every year, it shocks me all over again. How can they be this far behind?

So I may not be a genius, but I can tell you that there isn't much we can do on my high school campus to solve this problem. If a kid gets to high school 4 to 6 years behind in skills because he's been socially promoted year after year after year, I'm telling you, if we can get this kid to pass the graduation test, it's like a miracle. But the only way it's going to happen is if this kid works hard. Problem is, we've been training him for years that he or she doesn't have to make any effort. But suddenly, they have to make a herculean effort. It's a big problem.

The problem with today's educational system today, at least in Southern California, more than any other one thing, is social promotion.

So, did you know that? Didja? Well, you do now. Now go home and tell mommy what you learned today. K? And remember, you know nothing about comedy or fashion either. Ok, so you learned 2 things.

by Matt Lipeles

You gotta love the Democratic side of the election. As someone who can safely say he'll probably never vote Democratic again, to me it's kind of amusing, this fight between Hillary and Obama.

But just for fun, let me try to deal with (giggle at) their dilemma.

"Man, Obama is so awesome.... Just so dreammmy... ahhhhhhhh," I say to no one in particular.

But after the weekend, I was reminded that he doesn't really know anything. That he's never really done anything. Could that be a problem? Ummmm. I don't know. Um.... That's not such a good thought. Damn...

Well, on the other hand, there's always Hillary. "She's solid," I say almost confidently. "She's been there. She seems prudent. She knows how to get things done."

"Except... that.... I kind of hate her. She's so annoying. So unbearable. So much the Lady Mao type." (I say this not as myself of course, but as the imagined conflicted Democratic voter. Myself... well she annoys me too. lol. Sorry.

I mean, come on. Does anyone actually love Hillary? Does her husband even? And then you remember that she doesn't actually have that much experience.)

"Damn," you say, as if you just jammed your thumb. You see, in the Clinton administration, Hillary wasn't VP. She wasn't Secretary of State. She was the First Lady. She picked out china patterns. I mean, maybe she was in the room when important things happened. It's just that she didn't do any of those important things.

So, as the Democratic voter, I have this problem. On the one hand, I've got this great charismatic.... question mark. And yet, on the other hand, I've got someone who seems really solid... at first. But really isn't. Because, she really isn't. She was First Lady to a governor, not a governor herself.

"Why does happen to us every time," I sigh, (still in character as my left wing imaginary friend). I don't know, how do the Dems always put up candidates that make one pause? I don't know. Just from my point of view, it was obvious the only two Dems that looked qualified to me were Biden and Richardson. (Again, as I say over and over, I also felt Huckabee was largely unqualified. I mean, really, this is the biggest most important job in the country. Don't you want the best applicant, with the most relevant experience? Go figure.)

So, I guess the problem isn't the Democratic candidates. It's the Democratic voter. And that, my friends, really does make it hard to decide.

By Matt Lipeles

Forget Obama, man. Check this out. I know Nelson. I know to a lot of you, he's this faceless, superhip, clever dude who supplies you with your daily entertainment. But I know him. I work with him. (and he's no Jack Kennedy...right? No, sorry, accidentally channeled Lloyd Benson. Forget I said that.)

Nelson, dude, you do look like Curious George.

The weird part is, I mean it as a compliment. Who doesn't like Curious George? He was cute, and friendly, and handsome in a monkey-esque kind of way.

Anyway, Nelson, I have no idea if I've insulted you tonight, or made your day. But I was just trying to agree with you. I hope that counts for something.

That Poor girl." That's what I always think these days when I hear Britney's name. Think about it. This girl started working when she was like 8 years old. I don't even see how that's legal. Really. How is it legal for a child to work? A little girl can't get a job at McDonald's, or in the coal mines. Wasn't that the rallying cry back in the day? We've got to help these poor kids in the coal mines. Well, Britney may not have Black Lung, but she may have a problem just as bad.

Trust me, when the tabloids start to take bets on when you're going to croak, you've really got problems. And it seems obvious that a lot of her problems stem from being a child star. How is it illegal for a kid to flip burgers but not to be on the Mickey Mouse Club? The principle is the same, isn't it?

In any event, obviously between being a child star, and... let's say her parental shortcomings, it appears that this once pretty, sweet young girl has now just about... lost... her... mind. Sigh...

Is it her fault? I don't see how it can be. Sure, she's been a little wild, but what do you think you'd be like if you were a huge star at 15, and a millionaire? I shudder to think what I would have done with that kind of money and access as a kid. Frankly, I was an idiot at that age. I probably would have drowned in a pool of groupies.

I worked for a former child star once. I wouldn't want to say his name. He's not a bad person.... In fact, he's a nice guy.... But he has problems.

He was a semi-regular on a TV series during most of his teen years, and worked semi-regularly in lower level entertainment for most of his twenties. You know, B movies, the washed up celebrity circuit, mall openings, that sort of thing. He's probably been on one of those dumb reality shows by now. Anyway, he bought himself a little house with the last of his money, so he was able to keep going on residual checks and the occasional job. So, he didn't have to get a regular job, a 9 to 5 thing.

If you've worked a normal job most of your life, and you've never known someone who could afford to laze around most of the time, trust me when I tell you it's really not good for your mental health. It's really not. You have no idea how lucky you are that you have to get up in the morning and go someplace. It's especially bad for a man in his 20's or 30's. These people generally become drug addicts or alcoholics, never get married; just get stoned all day, watch Maury Povitch and order takeout. It's not a pretty sight.

Anyway, this guy was really messed up. He got high most days before noon, and he always had someone working for him; fetching stuff, answering phones, that sort of thing. Me, for 4 months. Most pathetic job of my life.

So, I really feel for Britney. This is not really a situation she's created. It was kind of thrust upon her. Would you have said no to international stardom at 15? I don't think so. So, next time you see an unflattering picture of Britney in OK! magazine, or watch her sad tale unfold on Access Hollywood, have a little sympathy. But for the grace of God, this could have been you.

Matt Lipeles

Generally speaking, I don't use stuff from other blogs. It's a time-tested totally ok blogging technique, stealing the ideas of others, that is. So, it's not that I have anything against it. I just haven't done it much lately. But when I saw this on Drudge today, I just had to borrow it. Check it out:

"I generally don't like England that much," said Prince Harry. "And it's nice to be away from all the press and the papers."

Now, let's not give him too hard a time. He's the Prince of England, and he's said he doesn't really like his country that much. He's bound to get hammered. Truthfully, I can't blame him. It's kind of rainy there. But the kids at home, blimey, they're probably going to be kind of ticked. (giggling uncontrollably) I can't help it. It's just hilarious.

Let me just say this. If you're English, don't be too tough on him. I say stupid stuff every day, and the only reason I don't get in big trouble is that I'm not being followed around by cameras. I'm sure he didn't mean it. England's his home. I'm sure he loves it there. It was a slip, brought on by battle fatigue and the paparazzi. Just cut him a break.

Matt Lipeles

I just had to use this one. It's been burning a hole in my pocket for a week.

Obama talks about "The Audacity of Hope." That makes me laugh. I mean... wait for it... wait for it.

If anybody's got audacity, it's Obama!!!

Why? Who am I to question everyone's hope? He's marvelously charming, Harvard Educated, and what a smoothtalker. I would never trust him alone with my sister... If I had one.

Hope. Everyone loves hope. But why does Obama keep on bringing up hope?

Because he HOPES he'll be able to do the job of President, with essentially no relevent experience.

He HOPES we won't be attacked, and if we are...

He HOPES he'll know what to do.

But I have hopes too.

I HOPE he doesn't get elected.

If he does, I HOPE he doesn't totally mess up and make some sort of horrible mistake.... since he's talked about invading a nuclear country and having tea and crumpets with Ahmadinejad, a homicidal maniac who sent 20,000 kids walking into minefields during the Iran Iraq war.

I'll HOPE he doesn't pull a Carter.... But he's such a dove, I FEAR that he will. Isn't anyone listening to what he says?

Geez, I HOPE he loses. Because if he wins, I HOPE I'll be able to sleep.

(If anyone wants to criticize me, saying my opinion is based on race, know this. I'd feel similarly concerned about Huckabee or Edwards, two other politicians who would make me nervous as hell with their lack of foreign policy & military knowledge during these dangerous times.

Conversely, I'd feel pretty safe with Colon Powell. Now think whatever you want.)

Dudes, I am so down about this. Most years, I'm pretty good at predicting Oscar winnners. Two years, I only got 2 wrong. I mean, I was amazing. This year? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Truthfully, I don't even know how bad my record is. I don't want to know. I stopped counting after five mistakes.

Sure, I knew that ex-stripper was going to win the screen writing Oscar for Juno. But that wasn't exactly rocket science. She had the whole outlaw thing going for her, plus Juno was totally adorable. On that pic, I just couldn't lose. But everywhere else, I was creamed. Creamed, I tell you.

Sigh!!!! I'm so bummed. Oh well, there's always next year.

Hey Nelson? How'd you do?

Matt Lipeles

I know, sometimes I sound like the cranky old man, but it's just unbelievable to me that the best the Democrats can do is a charming sounding guy who's been in the Senate for 3 years. What if this guy wins? Then what? How can I be the only one who has a problem with this?

Last night, Obama was asked a question about being tested in a crises, and he responded with talk about being an organizer. Sure, Obama, you've been an organizer and you've been to Harvard, but how the hell does that make you qualified to be president? That's the first step. Then you need to be Senator for a while, Governor for a while. Get some damn experience.

Nobody noticed, except some talk show guys that Obama didn't answer the question. The point is he hasn't been tested. He hasn't been through a crises. Will he be ok, anyway? Maybe. Who knows? Maybe he'll freak out. When trouble came, Nixon fell apart. So, did Lincoln's successor, Johnson about 150 years ago. So did Grey Davis as governor of California a few years back. How someone does in a crises is what true leadership is all about. And I'm sorry, I don't want someone in the presidency who hasn't been through something hard.

Rudy had 9/11. He performed like a champ. McCain was a POW, and refused to go home early if it meant leaving his buddies behind. Does anyone know this? He could have gone home after being a POW for just a few months, because his father was an admiral. He refused. Now, that's character. Even Hillary has obviously been through some very public difficulties. She wasn't perfect, but at least she has been tested.

And Obama? Nothing. He has 3 years of national experience, none as an executive and half that time, he's been running for president.

And Hillary can't beat him? What the hell is wrong with her? If I was her, I'd be referring to this every time. She calls him inexperienced. Why doesn't she say he's only been in the Senate for 3 years? Do you know his only 2 foreign policy ideas? Invading Pakistan, a country with nuclear weapons, and sitting down to talk with Abedinejad, the man who sent over 20,000 children into mine fields to blow themselves up. You can look it up. Who wants to talk to someone who murdered thousands of children? Who thinks it's a good idea to invade a country with nuclear weapons? And these are the only things he's said besides let's abandon Iraq.

And he's hard to beat? Hillary, you're pathetic. If I were you, every time I went on stage, I'd be referring to the idiot beside me who wants to negotiate with baby killers and invade an unstable country with nuclear weapons.

Perhaps worse than Hillary is the news media, who are supposed to be seriously questioning every candidate. What ever happened the the 4th estate, guardians of the public trust? But that's a complaint for another day.

Matt Lipeles

You guys have no idea what I've been going through for the past week.... That's if anyone besides Nelson even notices that I haven't been around. Anyway, my computer died. It was the oddest thing. About 2 1/2 weeks ago, my computer started logging out of my web browser mysteriously, all by itself. Then, within a few days, it was turning itself off. Then, it started turning itself on too. That was my first clue that this was potentially really bad.

Within a day, it was dead. It got so it was turning itself on and off at the same time. Just flashing light. It was horrible.

So, naturally, I took it into the shop. I figured, he'd fix it; I'd pay him. That would be it. That wasn't it. Not even close. I came back the next day, and he'd replaced the power supply and the fan and charged me $125.

I was thinking, Couldn't something be causing it to do that? Apparantly, he wasn't too concerned with that. He was like, "Well, let's just get it working and go from there."

Now, this should have been my first clue that this guy didn't know what he was doing. But what could I do. He'd put work in. The computer was turning on. I had to pay him. But it was obvious that something was off. My first instinct when this happened was that it was a virus. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. The point is that he didn't check. Wasn't even curious. Within a day the computer was dead again. Big surprise, huh?

That happened again and he gave up. Never once did this guy try to figure out what was causing it. Wierd. Kids, this is what happens when you don't like your job. YOU WILL BE BAD AT IT. Anyway, he at least refunded my money. I think. I haven't seen the money appear in my account yet. Doesn't it take a few days for the money to appear back in your account? Does anyone know anything about this?

Anyway, if it doesn't appear by Monday, I guess all I can do is threaten the guy. I'm not going to take him to court for a hundred bucks.

In any event, I've got a new computer now, well a new one to me. Since I'm going to NY for a month soon, I figured it didn't make sense to spend 200 bucks fixing the destktop. Instead, I got a year old laptop, payed to have the data cleaned, pressed and transferred; and customized a few more things.

Whew!!! What a pain in the ass. Anyway, I'm back. And I'll never leave you again.... unless I see a much prettier girl. Just kidding.

Matt Lipeles

Nelson and I are both high school teachers, so it shouldn't be a huge shock when one of us writes about it. But I do have a few thoughts that could sort of look like I've got an axe to grind....

Well, if I do have an axe, it must be pretty damn sharp.

But here's the long and the short of it. You may not be aware of this, but there are movements in educational thought. They tend to last somewhere 10 years or longer. These days, the buzzword is accountability. The would be swell if it were the students being held accountable. But usually, it's not. Usually, it's the schools and teachers.

You know all those standardized tests kids have to take? Well, while they are given a score for them, it often doesn't affect thier grade. But it does affect the school big-time, and sometimes, the teachers.

Now, in all fairness, some of this is having a positive affect. And so is the high school exit exam here in California. (One instance of the kids being held accountable.) I think these things are good.

But I'll give you a great example of the school accountability not working. I've been teaching 9th grade English almost my entire teaching career so far. That's about 8 years now. In that time, most of my incoming freshman (that's 9th graders, about 14 yrs old) have tested at 3rd-4th grade reading level, sometimes even lower, with similiar writing skills.

Yes, you heard that right. A huge percentage of my students, as incoming 9th graders are about 5-6 years behind in their skills. Horrifying, isn't it? How is this possible? How can this happen, I hear people muttering. It's actually pretty simple. Social promotion. That's what it's called when kids don't learn all the skills they're supposed to in a certain grade, but are then passed on anyway. I know, it's insane.

And at least in California, that really is a huge part of what's going wrong. But do they address it? No. It's too hard. They tried once, about 7 years ago. But it was a half-hearted effort. They figured out how many kids they'd have to hold back. (It was well over half the student in most grades.) So, they gave up.

Now, that's just here in Southern California. But all over the nation, due to No Child Left Behind's rules, the philosophy is the same. If something's wrong, if things don't measure up, penalize the school. And as we all know a little too well, when you put a big pile of feces up on a the top of a great big bleeping hill, it tends to roll down, doesn't it?

It's actually good that the schools are held accountable, to a degreee. But meanwhile, the kids aren't, and year after year nothing changes.

So, if this students are so far behind, why isn't something being done? Good question. First of all, something is. It's just way, way too little. But the major thing is, that kids, like most other people are lazy. And if they can get away with not doing work they will.

What may be even worse, is that we have been training kids, educating them, if you will, that if they do something wrong, they won't be held accountable, that it'll be ok. Nothing will happen.

Which of course isn't true. Once they get out of school, if they break a law they could go to jail. If they do poor work, they will be fired. But they haven't been shown that. And unless something drastic changes, we'll go on doing things the same way.

It's depressing I know.

And what may be even worse is that I've tried, several times to contact the L.A. Times to get somebody to write a story on it. I've even submitted columns on it myself.

How can this not be a huge story. Kids getting to 9th grade, ROUTINELY, like the it's the most normal thing in the world, with 3rd grade skills.

Well, at least you, my dear reader, are aware.

Finally, it would be easy to just cite incompetance and curse somebody under your breath, but that doesn't help too much. Politicians made these rules with very little input from teachers. Because everybody know that teachers are what's wrong with education, right? Well, that's how we go to this situation. And that's how we got to this situation, teachers blamed for the decisions of politicians. Unfortunately, it's just going on and on.

A few nights ago, on Dennis Miller's radio show, they were discussing the best concerts ever, you know, one of those theoretical conversations, as if you could go back in time and go to them, which would be the best to go to.

And his sidekick instead chose a historic event, I forget what. It was kinda jokey. But it made me think of cool historic events to be there for.

I guess like most people I'm a little myopic, so I divided them into the coolest Jewish moments (might be interesting for Christian Bible buffs too) and coolest moments in "regular" history (as opposed to the irregular Jewish kind.)

I'll start with the Jewish ones, then post the "regular" history ones.

And with no further ado, the coolest moments in Jewish history are (drum-roll please):

1. Splitting of the Red Sea - Single coolest moment in Jewish History.

2. Receiving of the 10 commandments at Mount Sinai - This has to tie for coolest. The Bible says that they heard the sights and saw the sounds, or something to that effect. How cool is that?

3.The Sacrificing of Isaac - Wouldn't you like to see the angel stop Abraham just in time?

4. Jacob and his sons in the war against the local tribes after they destroyed Shechem - Obscure, I know. You have to go into the Midrash to find it. But apparently, Jacob and his 12 sons defeated over 5 thousand men in battle over the course of a week. Naftali could run super fast. Yehuda could roar like a lion. Really. The 12 brothers as cartoon heros. You probably don't even believe me, it's so cool.

5. King David's Court - Any good moment would be cool, but perhaps the coolest would be when he finally brought the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem after rescuing it from the Philistines.

6. David slaying Goliath - Kind of a no brainer. Don't you think?

7. King Solomon's Court - He wasn't just wise. He could order demons around. Who wouldn't want to see that?

8. Ezekial raising the bones - He didn't just raise the dead. He raised about 30,000. I don't even think he broke a sweat. He's like the inverse Clint Eastwood.

9. Samson in battle - The one where he slew all those Philistines with nothing but the jawbone of an ass. No, not a jerk, a donkey. Come on, concentrate.

10. Pinchas slaying Zimri and Cosbi - In another obscure Biblical moment, a prince of Israel commits a public act of immorality, which starts a plague. As thousands die, only Pinchas (who I affectionately call Spearchucker) has the presence of mind to slay the sinning couple, ending the plague. The first zealot. Not the best example for the kids, but a true, and truly bizarre hero.

That's it for now kids.

Matt Lipeles

Okay Johnny boy, you weren't my first choice, but now that it looks like you're going to be the nominee, I want you to win the election. The idea of a liberal in the White House in these dangerous times scares the hell out of me. Images of Obama inviting Ahmadinejad for tea and crumpets are giving me nightmares. So, despite my earlier reservations, I really want you to win now.

But let's be smart about this. Let's face it. The three top issues are:

1. Iraq and the War on Terror.
2. The Economy.
3. Immigration and the southern border.

Now, on #1, you're gold. On #3, you're ok. (I don't really want to think about this one, 'cause it makes me mad at you.) But you really have a big problem with #2, which will soon be #1 in the minds of the voters if it's not already. And you made the huge (can't really believe you even said this) mistake of saying you know nothing about the economy. I mean come on. You are a politician for crying out loud. You are running for president. How could you have said something like that? If Hillary is the nominee, she'll run that clip every day till the election.

But I've got an idea. We might be able to fix this. If you've read the title of this posting, you already know my idea. Announce that you're going to put Alan Greenspan in your cabinet, say secretary of commerce or whatnot. I think he'd do it. Why not? It would cap off a terrific career, and he's the biggest economic genius of our time. If he says yes, then you consult him. Ask him for his three top reccomendations to fix the economy.

Then any time someone asks about the economy, you can spit out, #'s 1, 2 & 3, and say Greenspan will be running your economic policy.

Genius, isn't it? I know. I surprise myself sometimes. You don't have to thank me, though I wouldn't mind a night in Lincoln's bedroom if you really feel indebted. I just want you to win, so you can protect this country.

Got it? Good.

Matt Lipeles