Asymmetric Music

Songs to leave off your playlist on Valentine's day:

1. All Right Now, Free. The most unromantic song on earth. Co** rock at its most base. Summary: Veni, vidi, vici.

2. It's Getting Hot in Here, Nelly. Less strait forward than All Right Now, HIH contains the least persuasive argument for female disrobement- ever. I see the central cause-and-effect logic behind the plea, but couldn't even Paris Hilton come up with some alternative? Rendered obsolete by central air conditioning.

3. You've Got a Friend, James Taylor. I assume that Taylor is using the old "You've got a friend" technique. Time consuming and famously ineffective, YGAFT often has an opposite, repulsive effect. Worse, she may actually think you want a platonic friendship. Get ready for those crying, "He's such a a****le" phone calls at 1:00 AM.

4. Respect, Otis Redding and Aretha Franklin. Way to greet your man after a hard day at the office, Aretha. Why don't you just have him sit in a bucket of ice water? When a man nags for respect, like Otis below, it's just, well, sad.

You didn't know that Otis wrote this song, did you?

And Aretha:

Follow up:

5. Always and Forever, Heatwave. Like Ritalin is a stimulant that calms children down, Always and Forever is so romantic that it makes one yearn for arena football. I'm also upset that Heatwave didn't give me credit for my T-shirt design.

6. In the year 2525, Zager and Evans. Not only one of the least romantic songs of all time, but one of the worst songs, period. I've only recently learned that Al Gore chose this song for his first dance with Tipper as husband and wife.

7. Me and Mrs. Jones, Billy Paul. Grammar aside, picture this: A married couple on a nice Valentine's Day dinner. The restaurant plays Me and Mrs. Jones. The onions cause the man to shed a tear, he sighs, or maybe looks distracted for a second: Bowl of hot soup strait to his head.

8. House of the Rising Sun, Animals. Nothing like a frank discussion of prostitution and STDs to set the mood.

9. Battle of Evermore, Led Zeppelin. Yes, remind your girlfriend again that the lyrics have to do with Lord of the Rings. Why don't you show her your gnome thief-illusionist character sheet while you're at it.

10. Pictures of Lilly, The Who. You don't need me on this one. Now, hurry up and cancel before they charge your credit card- your three-day free pass is almost up.