Movie and Television Reviews

(+1 for the Tropics girls)

Semi-Pro is the unfunniest comedy since Delta Farce and Will Ferrel's worst movie to date. He plays Jackie Moon, a one-hit wonder who purchases an ABA basketball team, the hapless Flint Tropics. When the ABA commisioner informs Moon that he plans to merge four ABA teams into the NBA (All of the teams except the Flint Tropics were real ABA teams.) and that the Tropics won't be one of them, Moon becomes upset. In a drawn-out boardroom scene, Moon convinces the commissioner to let the teams with the four best records merge. Moon then trades a washing machine for a washed-up point guard called Monix (Woody Harrelson) who gives the Tropics enough "hap" to compete with the rest of the league.

Besides the main story, there's a completely pointless romance between Monix and a newly-married ex-wife.

I'll just say that the plot leaps higher logically than the players on the court do physically.

Like fireworks that launch in the air only to disappear without exploding, every joke in Semi-Pro feels half-done, fizzling without producing so much as a snicker. An unintentional game of Russian roulette is telegraphed and really just grafted onto the movie. Upon reflection, and to give you an idea of how terrible the movie is, that whole five minutes is concentrated cinematic perplexity: Why mention Vietnam? What's the back story to newscaster's insane reaction to the term "Jive Turkey?" Why is getting shot in the arm funny? Why don't we see the injured character again?

There's a vomit scene that elicits shrugs instead of smiles; a painfully long dumpster scene; a court fight; and just about every other kind of forced, predictable gag that one can imagine. Others just leave one hanging and wondering why someone would even think they're jokes in the first place: Is Will Farrel's mom being black supposed to be funny by itself? Is a crotch shot? Semi-Pro like one long Will Farrell riff or bad Tonight Show appearance. It's not that Farrell doesn't try: Never has an actor labored so hard for so few laughs.

Not only is every joke unfunny, but Semi-Pro actually disturbs at times. When Lynn's husband catches Monix and her having sex, he starts to masturbate. I think it's supposed to be amusing because he's such a big fan of Monix that he doesn't mind him sleeping with his wife, but it just made me turn away.

If the above aren't enough problems, the director gets the easiest part of a period movie, the soundtrack, all wrong. Earth to soundtrack guy: Sly and the Family Stone have nothing to do with 1976. On the other hand, Jackie's song, Love Me Sexy is pretty funny. Watch it below and save 90 minutes of your life.

The beer commercial below is more entertaining than the movie itself.

Message/ Politics:

Pride is a sufficient rationale for effort.

Finally, could Will Farrell be going the way of Steve Carell, Jim Carrey, and Adam Sandler, formerly funny actors whose act has run its course?

I enjoyed all of the Oscar nominated films. Two of the five, No Country for Old Men and There Will be Blood are heavy, brilliant films, but ultimately nihilistic and cynical. Still, up until their depressing ends, I'll give them the first two spots. Michael Clayton is of similar mass- not as compelling throughout- but with a "just" ending. Here is my "pocket" opinion. I'll review them at length tomorrow.

1. No Country for Old Men:

The best villain since Darth Vader. Great regional "color." I thought it was going to be Pulp Fiction with a happy, life affirming ending. Instead, it's like Pulp Fiction. That is, terrific dialog, amazing situations, dry humor, and a fearless, swerving plot. It has a good guy for whom I rooted, but alas...

2. There will be Blood:

Like NCOM, TWBB has a novel, fascinating setting- turn of the century California (I also live in turn of the century California). The lead is more of an anti-hero, but still mesmerizing. Like Citizen Kane in that we see the rise and fall, spiritually, of a mysteriously self-driven man. Great acting by Lewis.

3. Michael Clayton:

Non-traditional suspense movie in that we know who all of the bad guys are as soon as they appear. As morally reflective as the above two, but with a societal angle. "Happy" ending.

4. Atonement:

A Masterpiece Theater-type traditional love story. Straightforward with clever twists (some may think them gimmicky). Still, very good and the only one appropriate for a fun evening with the life partner.

5. Juno:

The goofy and not-too-dramatic experience of a pregnant teen, but with little societal approbation in 2008, Juno doesn't really have too tough a time. The fact that she chooses to have the baby upset Maureen Dowd, which makes me hope that it wins.

This is the girl from Star Wars.

Because then I'd have to watch them (it?). Just like I like swimming, but don't tune in to the "Floties" to see Todd accept the technical award for "Best Chlorine Mix," I love movies and television, but don't enjoy watching celebrities. I don't hate them, and if Scarlett Johansson wanted to share a Carrot Cake at Starbucks, I wouldn't say, "no." I just find them uninteresting or, at least, not more interesting than those in pool-maintenance.

I'm also not into fashion, fawning entertainment reporters, canned jokes, or self-righteous political comments.

Anyways, I'm very nearly done with the last of this years Oscar-nominated films (a smashing crop, so far), and I do hope you stop by for a look- It should be a ripping good post (Sorry, I'm watching Atonement.). Toodle oo.

Not everything is as it appears; I'm sure I'll be shocked! My wife wants to see it because it has the guy from Lost.

"21:30. Alright! There's still another half hour to go... 21:55: Darn! It's almost over! Wait: why am I experiencing a TV-induced mini-manic episode?"

Not one to argue with my subconscious, I can conclude from my feelings Monday evening that Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles is a good sci-fi show. In fact, after four episodes, each one better than the previous one, Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles has "all-time great" potential.

(If you haven't seen them, they're available on Fox's website.)

The story picks up after the events of Terminator II in the year 1999. Sarah has killed Dyson, the scientist in charge of evil robots for Cyberdyne Systems and is on the run with future savior of mankind, Barack Ob...I mean John Connor, her son. She falls in love with a recurring character, but leaves him when the fuzz gets on her trail.

Anyways, foxy terminatrix Cameron (Summer Glau) comes to save Sarah from yet another terminator (their proper name. I don't buy into the effort to dehumanize them with terms like "bucket head."). On the run, they use a time travel bomb to move seven years into the future (100 cell-phone years) where they do their best to delay the inevitable by neutralizing robot scientists, all of whom, fortunately, happen to live in the Los Angeles metropolitan area.

She has help, however. Other future warriors are already there to help including John Connor's uncle.

John Connor (Thomas Dekker) is a little too grungy-cool, but none of the cast are objectionable and some are quite outstanding. Even Master Bra'tac from Stargate-SG1 makes an appearance.

The bad guys are genuinely scary and provoke that "Is he one of them? Oh no!" feeling. Like in Battlestar Galactica, there's just something inherently creepy about self-aware, apocalypse-initiating robots. The human-android bonding moments are fine and much better than the automobile-human interaction in Knight Rider.

All time-travel stories are inevitably ridiculous, but once you get over the fact that it can't possibly make sense, you'll notice that Terminator: SCC is expertly written with a sprinkle of TV-PG edginess. This week, the flash forwards lifted Terminator to a whole new level or interestingness, and I can't wait to see how Sarah Connor Chronicles meshes with the upcoming movie.

Between Bionic Woman, Knight Rider, and T:SCC; this one's the best.

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Woops, I meant this one:

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Knight Rider is the third new light-scifi show I've seen of the season, after Bionic Woman and Terminator. I'd put it behind Terminator and about even with the deceased Bionic Woman.

A group of bad guys steal technology from inventor Charles Graiman (Bruce Davison). Needing somebody to break the inscription code on Graiman's computers, the thieves go after his daughter, Sarah (Deana Russo). She's saved by K.I.T.T 3000, Graiman's super car that escaped from the ambush to search for Sarah whom he finds and automatically, through pre-programming, takes Mike Traceur (Justin Bruening). Mike is Michael Knight's, from the original series, son, a former Army ranger in debt to a loan shark.

There's also an F.B.I. agent who doesn't do much of anything.

The series is well-made, if not totally compelling. Some of the chase scenes are very good, especially the crash at the end. The star of the show is K.I.T.T. and it doesn't disappoint. I'm guessing that the producers went with a Ford because GM doesn't sell the Chevy Camaro from Transformers or the Firebird and didn't want to go with the Grand Prix. K.I.T.T is a black 550 HP Ford Shelby GT500KR Mustang. His upgrades include the ability to hack into security systems, nanotech that absorbs damage, and the ability to change colors.

The car-human banter is acceptable and the mandatory AI-human feelings-talk ("I don't have feelings") is blissfully short.

Politics/ Message:

There's a homosexual edge to the show that some people might find "revolutionary," and others grating. In one scene, Mike is in bed with two girls and the commercials have the male-voiced, but "neat" sounding K.I.T.T. jealous of Mike's date.

The seemingly superfluous Carrie Ruvai (Sydney Tamiia Poitier) is a lesbian- a promiscuous one at that. In her first scene, she's leaving her apartment and a beautiful, in-bed, blond whom she "just met."

This breaks new ground as it's very rare for action-oriented shows to have homosexual characters; they're usually seen in soap operas like Desperate Housewives or female-oriented comedies like Grey's Anatomy. Since her lesbianism isn't a part of the story, it's obviously an attempt to "mainstream" the behavior (I know our homosexual brothers and sisters are part of our society, but TV doesn't have to be a cross section of our population- there'd be more ugly people.). I personally don't like it. It's another thing to explain to the kids, adds an unwanted and distracting political angle, and frankly, is a hindrance to our nation's attempt to hold an ordered family life as the ideal.

Finally, at the beginning of any social revolution, revolutionaries present the previously scorned on their best behavior. What happens if Ms. Ruvai begins to seduce other women? Will America see it as playfully as it does, say, James Bond or Face from the A Team's conquests or will the seduction carry with it a sense of corruption?

The A-Team - Season One

A newly single mom, Helen Grace (the very maternal-looking Mary-Louise Parker) takes her two sons and daughter to live in an old country home that belonged to her great uncle Arthur Spiderwick (David Strathairn) and his daughter, Lucinda. One of the boys, Jared (Freddie Highmore) is a hyper-emotional child holding on to the dream that his father will come back and reunite with his mother. His twin brother, Simon (also Freddie Highmore) is a nerd, but otherwise normal. The teenage daughter, Mallory (Sarah Bolger) fences and bosses her little brothers.

Jared soon discovers the presence of magical creatures, a hodgepodge of Tolkien-like demi-humans, like goblins, and Doyleish fairies (or "faeries" for my Brit brothers). The creatures love honey, hate salt, and only let humans see them when they wish it, unless the humans have a magic creature viewing device. The house and its surroundings have other peculiarities like magic walls (a "virtual fence," as it were) and potions which Arthur Spiderwick, unfortunately "chronicled" in a book. Basically, Mulgarath, an evil ogre, wants the book for its secrets, and the children, upon learning that the book would allow Mulgarath to control the world, try to keep it from him. They do so in interesting fashion with trips to the city via a tunnel to visit an elderly and committed Lucinda, griffin flights, and scamps through the forest. You'll find it all very exciting and suspenseful if that's the way you feel about Jumanji.

Jumanji (Deluxe Edition)

In any fantasy movie, whether for children or adults, the creativity of the world is of primary importance and I think Spiderwick does well here. The good characters are somewhat original- we have a bird-eating hobgoblin called Hogsqueal and some interesting flower creatures. The bad guys aren't notable except that Mulgarath can change shapes, a power which produces a surprising twist at the end that, I must admit, had me fooled.

Another fantasy factor is the relevance of the fantasy to the story. Again, high marks. Unlike Pan's Labyrinth and the awful Golden Compass, movies in which the fantasy elements are annoying distractions, the fancy bits in SWC drive the well-paced Macguffin plot.

Politics/ Message:

Nobody has to learn to "accept differences" or "live in harmony-" the children must defeat the monster- so, I guess it's more conservative than liberal. The challenges for the children are to cooperate, be brave, and deal with reality (ironically). Specifically, Jared must confront the fact that his father isn't returning to the family. Like Enchanted, I tend to find acquiescence to the non-ideal, demoralizing.

Definitely, Maybe:

Spiderwick Chronicles:

youtube trailer

Amanda is every man's dream- she's beautiful. She's also a brilliant architect, un-frivolous, fiercely loyal, and somewhat old-fashioned. She expects the same from the men in her life, but, alas, her boyfriend cheats on her and her boss can't get past looking at her skirt.

After scaring her wayward boyfriend with a shotgun, she decides to leave the Chilean capital of Santiago and head for the smaller city of Valparaíso. This time, she intends to avoid further looks-related problems by disguising herself as an unattractive woman (This part of the movie really spoke to me. Women never taking me seriously, seeing me only as some kind of sex-god).

She gets a job as an architect based solely on her excellent resume and promptly proves her bona fides by doing something with radio waves and pipes that I don't understand (something about VP1).

Her co-workers include the pretty Karen (Amaya Forch), the noble, nerdy family man Guillermo (Rodrigo Muñoz), and Marcello or, as he likes to be called, "Marchello" (Marcelo Mazzarello), a lady-killing, sock-stuffing lothario.

When Marcello, Guillermo, and Amanda celebrate their pipe-work, Marcello, completely uninterested in Amanda, barrages her with the most anti-family-values philosophy south of Jack Nicholson.

It's here that Amanda cautions Marcello that one day it's he who will fall victim to love and decides to teach Marcello a lesson. She stunningly, sexily, decks herself out; calls herself "Helena" after the Tojaness; and, with the benefit of advanced intel, uses her every wile to turn Marcello into a slobbering fool.

Marcello continues to confide in the ugly Amanda. The advice-seeking begets a friendship-Marcello's first platonic relationship with a woman- which begets a pure love which...

These parts of the movie feature some very funny battle-of-the-sexes dialog, first with Marcello's chauvinist ruminations and then with his bumbling seduction attempts.

As Marcello reforms, Amanda too falls for him and things proceed in the normal fashion.

Or does it? In one of the scenes, Amanda has Marcello cross-dress and tie himself up. Having placed Marcello in a vulnerable position, Amanda, like some Lorena Bobbit-feminist vigilante, seeks revenge for the pain men have caused her over her life. This possible turning from Latin-American novela to Euro-weird nihilism gives the movie some legitimate suspense.

I give it extra credit for its rare South American setting, excellent acting all around, and fluid story arc.

Politics/ Message:

Conservative culture watchers and women seeking mates are familiar with the term "man-boy" used for a man who refuses to grow up- a drinker of free milk, as it were. The movie implies that somebody can cure man-boyhood by showing him some children or having him fall in love with "the one." Or, a man will cure oneself once he realizes that he's being immature.

The writers, wafting the fumes of Christian culture, ignore the reason why so many man-boys exist in the first place: Most men still able to attract beautiful women only behave "maturely" when they have a reason to do so, not because they naturally prefer fatherhood life over swingerhood. In the Western world, Christianity or Judaism has provided that motivation either directly or through the societal pressure based upon them. With the decline of faith, it's hold on men has decreased. Thus "fumes" and thus the state of the Western world. Either that, or more men in nineteenth century had friends explain how immature they were.

Amanda confides in a priest which is usually pro-religion, however, one of the priests drinks from the communion cup and another is interested in the size of Marcello's appendage. Neither corruption is a deal-breaker for her.

Here you go, ladies: Matthew McConaughey (with Kate Hudson)

Rank Title Weekend Gross
1 Fool's Gold (2008) $22M $22M
2 Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins (2008) $17.1M $17.1M
3 Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour (2008) $10.5M $53.4M
4 The Eye (2008/I) $6.63M $21.5M
5 Juno (2007) $5.72M $118M
6 27 Dresses (2008) $5.7M $65.4M
7 The Bucket List (2007) $5.34M $75.1M
8 Rambo (2008) $4.11M $36.5M
9 Meet the Spartans (2008) $4.08M $33.9M
10 There Will Be Blood (2007) $4.07M $26.8M

I didn't watch Fool's Gold after all. The consensus is that it wasn't very good. It did well, I'm sure, because it seemed fun.