Movie and Television Reviews

The only strong feeling induced by the Fantastic Four is the one of nausea you get upon noticing the shameless product-placement advertisements. I’m all for capitalism, but I don’t like my movies to look like a NASCAR race. They appear throughout the movie and the film-makers even incorporate them into the plot; as if to parody themselves, the producers of the movie have one of the Four, the Human Torch (Chris Evans), obsess over money and, yes, endorsements.

Behind the Ray Ban and Dolce attire is a thoroughly average film that fails to completely satisfy even the non-exacting movie-goer. In The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) and Sue Storm (both Jessica Alba and her bad self) are about to get married when a glittering alien able to harness cosmic forces through the use of a mysterious oval device which also serves as his primary mode of transport, a Silver Surfer as it were, comes to destroy the planet.

The Fantastic Four must defeat the Silver Surfer. And, at first, they meet with little success. Indeed, the Silver Surfer seems unstoppable. But, who in the world can help the FF? If the only movie you’ve seen in your life is the first Fantastic Four, you may not be aware that whenever the last shot of the villain is of him being led away, he’ll be back for the sequel. And, so Dr. Doom (Julian McMahon) escapes from Eastern Europe to first ally with the Silver Surfer and then, after his overture is rejected, to help defeat him. Doom’s intel and Richard’s technological brilliance eventually do stop the Silver Surfer.

However, after being saved by the Silver Surfer in the action that led to his capture, Susan Storm begins to doubt whether SS is really such a bad guy in the first place. Sue cleverly escapes her own cell (guess how) to visit SS and her interview of him confirms her suspicion. You see, like most “Destroyers of Worlds,” the Silver Surfer lacks enthusiasm for his job; he only really does it to save his own world, the one that’s home to his true love. He further reveals that that he saved Sue Storm because she reminded him of his girl back home. The movie almost made sense at that point, for if your true love looked like Jessica Alba; wouldn’t you journey through the universe destroying worlds to save her?

When Dr. Doom turns on his new allies (woops, I gave that away), they find out that the only one who could save the planer is, ironically, the Silver Surfer.

Subplots include Johnny Storm finding out that it’s not good to only care about oneself and that true love is more important than, ahem, endorsements. And that’s about it, really. I already mentioned the wedding.

The special effects are good, as you’d expect, but then again, there hasn’t been a movie with bad special effects since Die Another Day. The story tries to have some emotional moments, but they all fall flat except maybe the moments between The Thing (Michael Chiklis) and his blind girlfriend played excellently by Kerry Washington. The impending doom that you’d think would accompany the end of the world just isn’t there. I felt more anxious for the world when I learned that Ben Affleck was making another movie.

Nerds will be disappointed for sure despite Mr. Fantastic's nerds vs. jocks tirade directed towards an Army general. First, by this time, seeing Stan Lee in a cameo is about as novel as a television appearance by Ryan Seacrest. Second, the movie contains none of the special bonuses for those who may have read the comic book. And third, nerds like stories that have some internal logic to them and dislike stories that take shortcuts which is why, for example, the best comic books take pains to explain characters’ powers and how they acquired them. I may have to ask my friend, the Sci-Fi Apologist, to help me out with this movie, but it seems as though the writers didn’t accept any nerd input.

Let’s start with the super-fast airplane the Fantastic Four uses in the climax. It has no cockpit cover (though it does have a completely non-functional and un-aerodynamic Dodge grill-the most disgusting example of product placement since Hugo Chavez held up his autographed Noam Chomsky book, Hegemony). Really, can a plane travel to China in ten minutes without a cover and without the wind tearing their heads off? Also, how can Galactus be this huge cosmic dust thing 84 times the size of the Earth, “stand” two miles away from the surface of the Earth, and not cause any kind of harm to the planer at all? How does Reed Richards manufacture the most advanced technology in his apartment? Is there a Fry’s on the second floor?

Message/ Politics:

It has a torture scene which some see as George Bush’s calling card, although the torturer does admit that his methods are restricted by law. The rest of the movie is middle of the road, but in a good way. Jessica Alba is uniquely beautiful, but exudes a normal amount of femininity for a female and wants nothing more than to be married and raise a family. When they do eventually get married, Reed and Storm use a real minister and he conspicuously holds a real Bible (gasp!), even when they’re in Japan, which is kind of weird since they were in China (what was wrong with getting married in China?). The military is portrayed positively. The Human torch falls in love with a lovely female captain, in fact (I can vouch for their existence). And, Reed Richards is a positive nerd role model who speaks positively about studying, is loyal to his wife, and duty bound. The movie isn't exceptionally deep, but has a duty-first kind of message.

Marketing test:

Some people enjoy the ability to live life without having to analyze everything around them. We call these people "happy" and are highly sought after by marketers for their lack of political/social/philosophical baggage. Like the ideal juror, they make up test audiences and evaluate products. Anyways, today’s unbiased tester is my wife, Patricia. She didn’t like the movie. According to her, it had too much talking and the heroes weren’t the Fantastic Four, but the Silver Surfer. Thanks, honey.

One for the gentlemen

And, here you go, ladies.

Below for credits:

Follow up:

Directed by
Tim Story

Writing credits
(WGA)
Don Payne (screenplay) and
Mark Frost (screenplay)

John Turman (story) and
Mark Frost (story)

Stan Lee (characters) and
Jack Kirby (characters)

Cast (in credits order)

Ioan Gruffudd ... Reed Richards

Jessica Alba ... Sue Storm

Chris Evans ... Johnny Storm

Michael Chiklis ... Ben Grimm

Julian McMahon ... Victor Von Doom

Kerry Washington ... Alicia Masters

Andre Braugher ... General Hager

Laurence Fishburne ... The Silver Surfer (voice)
Doug Jones ... The Silver Surfer

Beau Garrett ... Captain Raye
Brian Posehn ... Wedding Minister

Zach Grenier ... Mr. Sherman/Rafke

Dawn Chubai ... Anchorwoman
Chris Gailus ... Anchorman
Kevin McNulty ... Baxter Building Doorman
Andy Stahl ... Tailor
Debbie Timuss ... Hot Party Girl #1

Moneca Delain ... Hot Party Girl #2

Crystal Lowe ... Hot Party Girl #3

Kenneth Welsh ... Dr. Jeff Wagner
Vanessa Minnillo ... Johnny’s Wedding Date
Alicia Thorgrimsson ... New York Pedestrian

Valerie Tian ... New York Teen Girl #1

Patricia Harras ... Fan Four Receptionist

Gonzalo Menendez ... Lieutenant
Suzanne Ristic ... Airline Woman
Giuliana DePandi ... Entertainment Reporter
Malcolm Boddington ... Pub Owner
Stan Lee ... Rejected Wedding Guest
Silver Butler ... Wedding Planner

Michasha Armstrong ... Wedding Security
Peter Kawasaki ... Japanese Fisherman #2

Fareed Abdelhak ... Egyptian Tour Guid