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Review: Alien versus Predator Requiem-Crapiem
12/30/07
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem springs from the same tradition that produced Superman versus Hulk/Muhammad Ali/Mighty Mouse, King Kong versus Godzilla, and Steetfighter versus Mortal Combat. In other words, Aliens versus Predator is what happens when nerds get bored.
As for the movie itself: Viewing Alien versus Predator makes being violated by a parasitic alien seem like laying down in a mall massage chair; not worthy of an "F" because no animals were harmed and the republic remains intact, but nonetheless, awful. There's a part in the movie where the girl (Kristen Hager), in bra and panties, asks the guy if he's looking at the clock or her. Well, I was looking at my watch during the whole movie, I wanted it to end so bad.
I refuse to discuss the plot or characters. What I will do is give a little advice:
1. Not everybody reads the graphic novel or plays the video game, and a couple of audience members may arrive with a date or accompanied by their big sister or something: Throw them a bone. Explain what the heck is going on. One flashback is too much to ask?
2. Don't present the pre-crisis lives of and then follow into the climax, four character sets. War of the Worlds and Titanic set up and followed one each. Transformers, one and a half. Independence Day, three. That's the max, O.K.?
War of the Worlds (Widescreen Edition)
3. If you must have a love story, make it deep and mushy like in Titanic or fun like in Transformers. Don't half-step it.
Titanic (10th Anniversary Edition)
4. Don't sprinkle a little government conspiracy for flavoring. That's what it's about or not.
5. Don't ever use a word like "Requiem" in the title unless your name is Spielberg. It sounds pompous and stupid.
Thank you for your time.
(cast below)
Follow up:
Directed by
Colin Strause
Greg Strause
Writing credits
(WGA)
Shane Salerno (written by)
Dan O'Bannon ("Alien" characters) &
Ronald Shusett ("Alien" characters)
Jim Thomas ("Predator" characters) and
John Thomas ("Predator" characters)
Cast (in credits order)
Steven Pasquale ... Dallas
Reiko Aylesworth ... Kelly
John Ortiz ... Morales
Johnny Lewis ... Ricky
Ariel Gade ... Molly
Kristen Hager ... Jesse
Sam Trammell ... Tim
Robert Joy ... Col. Stevens
David Paetkau ... Dale
Tom Woodruff Jr. ... Alien
Ian Whyte ... Predator
Chelah Horsdal ... Darcy
Meshach Peters ... Curtis
Matthew A. Ward ... Mark (as Matt Ward)
Michal Suchánek ... Nick
David Hornsby ... Drew
Chris Martin ... Deputy Ray (as Chris William Martin)
James Chutter ... Deputy Joe
Phil Uhler ... Deputy #1
Kevin Haaland ... Deputy #2
Gina Holden ... Carrie
Kurt Max Runte ... Buddy
Liam James ... Sam
Tim Henry ... Dr. Lennon
Tom McBeath ... Karl
Ty Olsson ... Nathan
Anthony Harrison ... Ritchie
Lloyd Berry ... Homeless Harry
Rekha Sharma ... Nurse Helen
Catherine Lough Haggquist ... Tina
Victoria Bidewell ... Pregnant Sue
Dalias Blake ... Lt. Wood
Timothy Paul Perez ... Mr. Thomas (as Tim Perez)
Rainbow Francks ... Earl (as Rainbow Sun Francks)
Juan Riedinger ... Scotty
Val Cole ... Broadcaster
Andrew Hedge ... Tank Driver
Ryan Robbins ... Truck Driver
Curtis Caravaggio ... Special Forces Commander
Françoise Yip ... Ms. Y.
John Wardlow ... Homeless Guy
Nesta Chapman ... Homeless Lady
Ian Feuer ... Additional Predator
Bobby 'Slim' Jones ... Additional Predator
Glen Brkich ... National Guard
Jay-Lyn Green ... Pregnant Woman #1
Ili Wexu ... Pregnant Woman #2
Adrian Hough ... ER Resident Doc
Karen van Blankenstein ... ER Doctor #2
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1 comment
In regards to AVP...you're pretty ignorant.1) Only an idiot would go see a movie without knowing what it's about, so quit whining about there being no flashback to let you know what's going on. A minority of people read the novel and play the games, and I'm not one of them, but I've at least seen the other movies. Go rent the original and shut up.
2) Aliens and Predators had fiction together before the movies ever came out. Don't whine about nerds being bored leading to the "cross-over."
3) Get a dictionary and look up with requiem means.
4) You know nothing about movies or how to make them good. "A love story should be like Transformers." You're a complete idiot.
It's disappointing that your crappy blog showed up in my Google search, or any Google search for that matter.
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