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Kalifornistan is about a poseur Muslim terrorist (Nick Nyon) in Los Angeles who becomes obsessed with a nameless “brown” stripper (Govindini Murty) while trying to detonate a nuclear bomb. A bounty hunter (John Barrett) employed by a Blackwater-like organization called Blackshnauzer thwarts the terrorist’s plans by taking advantage of the terrorist’s incompetent associates and weakness for women- he’s eventually nabbed while buying a Christmas present for “the girl.”

Chimpie McHitler (George Bush) sends him to Guantanamo. He escapes and returns to LA where he exacts revenge on the bounty hunter, seeks the girl, and encounters both her and her Viagra-munching White boyfriend.

Kaliforniastan is befuddling.

The trailer made me think that Kalifornistan is a comedy that mocks terrorists in the un-PC, conservative way that we never get from mainstream movies, like An American Carol. It is, partly.

An American Carol [Blu-ray]

The humor is two-note, mainly consisting of the mundane thoughts and concerns of a person with delusions of terrorist grandeur, unaware of his incompetence and relative unimportance. He streams paranoid, conspiracy-fueled hatreds of American society in general and in particular, with a focus on George Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Republicans, White people (redundant, I know), commercialism, and women. Kalifornistan also features plays on names like “blackshnauzer,” “Glorious Jihad of Kalifornistan” (GJK), and “National Agency for the Defense of a Secure Homeland Against Foreign Treachery” (NADSHAFT). Those two notes aren’t poorly-played. When the terrorist chastises his assimilating cousin for stealing money and continuously hums indistinguishable Middle Eastern tunes, it’s funny. His phallic pride combined with his fear of women is both amusing and crucial to the film’s attraction. Kalifornistan plays a murder and an attempted rape for laughs.

Jason Apuzzo chooses to tell the story through the amateur footage of the terrorist, a device used in Cloverfield and Blair Witch; and Apuzzo’s not kidding.

The Blair Witch Series

Cloverfield [Blu-ray]

It’s this aspect of the movie that confuses: Either the movie is lampooning the first-person camera technique or its one of the least-disciplined movies I’ve ever seen.

Who’s holding the camera? Why is the footage in black and white? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to distinguish between the times the terrorist holds the camera and normal action by having only the terrorist footage in B&W? Instead, the only color we see is the girl waking up. Why?

Some of the situations make no sense. The girl’s boyfriend goes after the terrorist in his car. Couldn’t he have called the police while driving? It wasn’t against the law in 2007.

When the boyfriend doesn’t arrive, the girl goes after him...and finds him! In Los Angeles! How does she know where he is? Why does she leave in high heels?

An intact film was found in radioactive rubble? Is the girl's Christianity relevant?

I’m willing to accept that he bumbles his way off of Guantanamo like the protagonists in Dumb and Dumber accidentally solve a crime, but nobody having names except for the never-seen Azam is unacceptable.

Dumb and Dumber (Unrated) [Blu-ray]

At times it approaches conventional movie-making- you know, with a real plot. The bounty hunter part of the story begins well, with him thwarting his own murder and getting releasing the assailant for a $50,000 check (the funniest moment in the film is when the bounty hunter asks, “you brought your checkbook?”). He captures the terrorist, gets beaten up upon the terrorist’s return, and then, nothing. We don’t see him again. Why focus our attention on the bounty hunter if he’s to play no role in the film’s climax or resolution? Shouldn’t he intersect with the girl at some point?
Wouldn’t it have been better if the terrorist’s captured after the girl overpowers him and then returns to exact his revenge upon her?

Only a Tarantino should even attempt such disjointed film-making.

Overall, Kalifornistan peaks at the sexual assault (not graphic) and I maintained a high level of interest up until the mentioned chase scene when the thriller aspect of the movie kind of falls apart for its lack of internal logic. Worse, I'm afraid that these lapses aren't so much an attempt as artistry as just screenwriting laziness.

With all of its faults, Kalifornistan is worth watching for two insights: that terrorists may be driven by a sense of sexual frustration. This point comes through so clearly that the Apuzzo didn’t have to give us an on-screen statistic. And, that even dumb terrorists are dangerous.

Oh, performances are fine, music’s good, and the direction doesn’t look amateurish.

Politics/Message:

The two insights above plus an indirect satire at the deranged Bush-haters those of us who follow politics suffered through for seven years.

I'm a conservative (Cu-con). Govindini and Apuzzo are Libertarians, I think. I know they're open to conservative ideas from their association with the Liberty Film Festival. I wanted to like this movie on these grounds, and did. This isn't going to be a game-changer for explicitly conservative film, however. I hope they keep making movies and come out with something fine next time.