Movie and Television Reviews

Director Guillermo Del Toro certainly has a talent for creature creating. In Hellboy: The Golden Army, a giant flower monster explodes in a beautiful mess when destroyed, and there's an impressive rock giant in Ireland, reminiscent of the Ents in Lord of the Rings. Better are Del Toro's smaller creatures for their extraordinary detail. "Tooth fairies," six-inch terrors that swarm upon their enemy like locust, have articulate, humorous faces. It's Del Toro's rendering of gears and gizmos that's perhaps his greatest genius, however, and HGA has many of those.

It's too bad for HGA, then, that Del Toro can't match his charming visuals with his storytelling or character development.

For all of its gizmos, HGA's plot is no more sophisticated than the Mummy's or even Dungeon and Dragons's. An Elven prince, Nuada, decides that humans have been poor stewards of the earth and deserve to be destroyed. To that end, Nuada goes about finding the necessary components to summon an unstoppable mechanical army called the "Golden Army" that lies dormant in Ireland.

The Mummy Collector's Set (The Mummy (1999)/ The Mummy Returns/ The Scorpion King)

A crown, in three pieces, controls the army. Nuada locates the first piece at an antiquities auction and kills his father for the second. His sister, with whom he has a kind of physical-telepathic link, escapes with the third part. Nuada's excessive violence in taking the first piece draws the attention of the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense. The BPRD dispatches Hellboy, Abe Sapien, and Liz Sherman to investigate. There, a clue takes them to a troll marketplace. Nuada finds his sister and takes the last piece of the crown. With the help of a smoky German soul called Johann Kraus, the BPRD make their way to the Golden Army and fight.

Hellboy himself is the familiar gruff, straightforward "man who doesn't give a crap" and unfunny, repeating such lines as "I wouldn't do that if I were you" and painfully forcing us to watch him negotiate with a government official for some Cuban cigars. Nuada is a martial arts guy and his sister, Nuada, is nothing special. Sapien reminds me of C3PO. None of the other characters distinguish themselves in any way whatsoever.

I cared more about the mustard to mayonnaise ratio on my hot dog than the love stories between Hellboy and Liz and Sapien and Nuada. HGA has the most contrived "true love" moment since Snow White. In one scene copied from Tommy Boy, Sapien and Hellboy cry drunkenly while singing Can't Live Without You along with Barry Manilow. Hilarious, no?

Tommy Boy (Holy Schnike Edition)

The martial arts fighting is even more boring than usual. Nuada actually uses the run-on-the-wall-before-kicking and slide-under-strike maneuvers that went out of style with The One. What's next, slow motion bullet-dodging?

And then comes the most grievous sin one can make in a nerd-oriented movie: Not making sense. When Nuada pulls a monster bean from his pocket, the whole BPRD team turns around for a whole minute to look at it go in the sewer. Why wouldn't the lightning-quick Nuada strike at this moment? Why didn't Nuada just steal the crown piece from the auction house? He certainly wouldn't have aroused as much suspicion. How do the normal human FBI agents think they'll survive against the tooth fairies? By shooting them individually?

I get the feeling Del Toro doesn't really care about these details- that he focuses all of his attention on making us gawk at the manifestations of his admittedly impressive imagination.

Guillermo Del Toro will be responsible for The Hobbit. I hope he does better there. I've seen his previous Cronos and Pan's Labyrinth and found each one lacking in some way. My friends and the reviewers on Rotten Tomatoes love him; they're wrong as usual: Del Toro may be, in fact, the most over-rated director working today- even more than M. Night Shyamalan.

Cronos

Pan's Labyrinth

Politics/Message:

Sherman wears a cross and Hellboy carries what could be a rosary or crucifix. I like the inclusion of real religion in movies.

Coming after Wall-e and The Happening, this is the third strait film with an environmental theme.

CNN Review:

CNN insists that HGA is a "lowbrow movie." They're wrong. It's a highbrow movie that makes highbrows think that they're doing something naughty. It's like cinematic slumming. Highbrows like it because Guillermo Del Toro is "hot."

Credits below:

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Tags: golden horde, hellboy 2, hellboy christian, hellboy ii, is hellboy any good