Movie and Television Reviews

(not an "F" for the best Sabre-tooth scene since Flinstones.

Youtube trailer

A movie as bad as this only comes around every 12,000 years organically, but one may speed up the process by giving Roland Emmerich enough money to film his live-action, Saturday-morning cartoons.

Plot:

Take every movie with... 1) ...a questing party whose travel over spectacular mountains is captured on film by a “gorgeous” long shot and who eventually forms...2) ...an alliance of freedom-loving peoples who fight well because of a...3) ...rallying speech by the protagonist who then leads them into a...4) ...huge, computer generated battle; mix them together; place the contents into a microwave to destroy any nutrients; and serve to an audience on the far left of any bell curve.

Not that I wouldn't travel a few weeks and take down a few mammoths for a dirty-faced and primitive, but foxy village-chick with a mamak stampede-stopping face like Evolet (Camille Bella).

Camille Bella working that animal skin.

If you bought a ticket to learn some anthropology, however, this is the movie for you: At least, I learned a lot (I fact-checked with eyewitness John Sydney McCain himself.):

1.Isolated villages with populations of less than 1000 can have more genetic diversity than a Barack Obama rally in Los Angeles.
2.You think we have climate problems? 12,000 years ago steamy jungles, barren deserts, and Alaska-like mountainous tundra were within a week's walk from each other.
3.Ancient peoples had English words for everything except "woolly mammoth" which they called “mamak.”
4.Good tribes are almost always better-looking than evil tribes.
5.Bronze age weapons are no match for bone-age spears.

Politics/ Message:

1.Germans can make movies as awful as Korean ones.
2.Slaves should be screened for weapons at the door.
3.Almighty rulers shouldn't pick advisers from a pool of inbred mental-deficients no matter what the ADA says.
4.Speaking of worker protections, where's OSHA when you need it?
5.Don't be quick to dismiss old wives tales if they come from old wives with the super-natural gift of long-distance resurrection.
6.Men with long finger nails- watch them.
7. The producers used "B.C."instead of the idiotic "B.C.E" (OK, when did the common era start?).